Heimat

I think I'm getting old.

Lately I've been feeling very... I don't know how to put it..."heimatverbunden" - very attached to my native home.
Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe it's because I'm visiting my parents more often. Maybe there's some other reason.

I grew up in the south-western part of Germany. I call it "The Shire of Germany" because it reminds me a lot of the Shire in Middle-Earth, home of the Hobbits. It's a very rural area, there are no big cities and no big industries. But it's so beautiful! There's a big river (the Rhine), there's valleys and hills and mountains covered with old, dark forest (the Black Forest). There is a lot of agriculture, viniculture, forestry and actually in the past there's even been the cultivation of pipe-weed (tobacco). The rest of the world generally doesn't care about this place, except for tourists maybe (plus there's a town with an old renowned university). The weather is rather warm, and the food - influenced by French, Austrian and Swiss cuisine and benefiting from the warm, nearly Mediterranean climate - is the best in all Germany.
It has been part of the area the Celts originated, later home to the Alemanni tribes but the Romans greatly influenced this area, too (e.g. with their love of hot springs and wine).
Every time I'm on my way home I look out of the train window and admire the landscape, the rolling hills and the mountains looming behind them.

Or well, maybe with the mountains and the university it's a little more like Rivendell...?


Anyway. I find I'm getting more interested in the traditional dishes (though I can't cook), fairytales, history and landscapes of the area. I enjoy the farmer's market and walks in nature. I take more pictures of things I wouldn't even have looked at when I was younger.


The place where I live now is nice, too. The flat is nice (although too hot in summer), there's bus stops just across the street, a big store a few minutes walk away and a mini town ceter a few more minutes walk away. Plus there's a small river with footpaths, trees, garden plots and playgrounds; the perfect place for a walk or Nordic Walking. It's my place, I can decorate how I want and I can clean up when I want. I can do what I want when I want to. I have all of my things there.
But I don't feel like I feel when I'm at my parents - I just feel happier there. I just can't seem to recreate this feeling of home and Gemütlichkeit at my place. Maybe it's because when I'm at my parents, I'm always there on holidays (or when I'm ill). Maybe it's because I get good food there. Maybe because I have company there; I never seem to be able to make friends, so when I'm at my parents' I have more company, more social life (outside work) and communication than normal. I often site in front of the TV in the evening with my parents and watch documentaries or concert DVDs. My parents often go for walks somewhere if time and weather permit, and when I'm there I go with them.
I often think how I could recreate that feeling at my place, but I don't really know how. Maybe it's not possible.

Normally it shouldn't be a problem, but it worries me for two reasons.
First of all, I had planned to live and work abroad, in UK or Ireland, sometime. But now I don't even feel like moving out of state. This, of course, limits possible places to work.
Then I sometimes feel like I'm too dependent on my parents. When I need something bigger my parents often buy it and bring it (I don't have a car), when I need help changing the light bulbs (I'm rather small) or with some other work around the home, with water-taps, etc, my dad does that when they visit me. I feel like at my age I should not depend on them this much. Of course I try to help them where I can. But what would I do without them, when they can't help anymore? I also often worry about them. When they drive home from visiting me, they have to call when they're home. I really don't have anyone else, so I'm afraid of losing them, I dread life without them.

The Shire - Tolkien Gateway
Alemanni - Wikipedia

Upper Rhine Valley - Wikipedia

To end this post on a more positive note, here are some pretty pictures of my home:

Read more on this article...

Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain

I feel so tired. Both physically and mentally.

Alright, I've been off work for more than a week because I caught a cold. So it's not too surprising to feel exhausted. But I've been sleeping a lot and did nothing much, but I still feel tired.
And while it's especially bad at the moment, it's been like this for a long time. I've felt like I lack energy for many years now, sometimes more, sometimes less. Some time ago I had myself thoroughly checked through, cardiogram, allergies, and everything. Back then they found that my lung only has about two thirds the usual capacity. But the doctor said as long as I didn't feel a sudden drop it most probably is natural/congenital. I usually don't notice it in everyday life, except in yoga classes during deep-breathing exercises.
I take meds for Hypothyroidism, my iron and vitamin levels should be ok, too. I'm thinking of countermeasures to my slight dust mite allergy next.

Sometimes I really feel desperate. At times I decided that this is just how I am and I should accept it. But life makes it difficult. I get nothing done. Even when I try to take little steps at a time... it doesn't work. I'm procrastinating, yes, but my low energy level play into this, too. During the week, now that I have to commute so much, I don't get anything done. Especially things that take more time or concentration - no chance. And then on the weekends I plan to do at least a little bit more, but I also sleep a lot. On Saturdays I do the shopping and after heaving all the thing to the top floor, I'm exhausted for the rest of the day. On Sundays I do some cleaning up, but just the bare minimum, not as much as I actually need to do. So my flat is a mess right now and it's annoying me and so many things need to be done, but I just can't bring myself to do them.

I also spend a lot of time on the weekend, surfing the internet, watching shows, reading books. In a way I feel guilty about it (when so much housework is left undone), but I also feel like I need it. during the week there is also hardly time for anything but work and commute, just checking the new mails and new messages on Twitter and Pinterest. I don't dare to start reading a good book or watch an hour long episode of something, because I'm afraid it will cost me too much sleep. I'm more of a night owl and getting to bed in time is difficult enough.

But I like to read or watch anime or Asian drama series or something like that. It's fun, it makes me happy. It takes me away from this world. Yes, I like escaping reality.
I'm tired of this world. There doesn't seem to be much good left. The world is going down the drain. All efforts to stop climate change is jeopardized. The U.S. is doing whatever they find in their best interest, no matter whether others suffer or rights are disregarded and they will answer to no court - it's like a new global dictatorship. There is no gender equality and sometimes I think most people don't want it. I feel like it actually got worse after the 80s and 90s. Same goes for homosexuals and everyone else who isn't acting like they are expected to. And I feel helpless about all that. Sometimes I feel like I should do something, get involved; but then I think of how I can't even manage tidy up my home.
Then there's me and my family. I'm working in a field where I never wanted to end up. I earn good money (though I'm not rich), but it's not where I want to work for the rest of my life. I don't like the company I'm working at the moment. Yes, I just changed jobs, and the work is alright and the co-workers are alright, but the company itself is... not likable. I don't like the conditions of work, it's all so old-fashioned. Considering the lack of energy, I'm afraid I have to give up on ever re-doing my Master of Science degree. I tried to change fields of work last time and it didn't work. My older brother still didn't finish studying and he's thinking about giving up and working as a guitar teacher. He's already rather old to start a professional life, but we always hoped that as engineers are really wanted, it would work out anyway. I'm afraid work as a music teacher (untrained) is very unstable and won't make a lot of money. My parents are still living beyond their means, even though my father is now retired and they have less money. My mum isn't completely healthy and suffers from having to work even part-time. I feel like I have to go on and earn well, so I can support them. I can't become a Hikikomori, even if I feel like it. I'm afraid of what would happen if I couldn't go on working like this. For example if my depression came back full force...

I'm really afraid of already being in another phase of depression. I've been clinically depressed before and took meds and because of it, I couldn't finish my Master of Science degree. I can't afford not to function at the moment. So I just have to go on somehow. Even though I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow, I'll just set the alarm to 6 AM, get up and get through the day somehow.
I'm not suicidal. I couldn't do this to my parents. And there's good music yet to come and so many books left to read and the next Hobbit movies...
Read more on this article...

Remember Koom Valley!

So, at the moment I'm re-reading Thief of Time by Terry Pratchett. And just somewhere in there, easy to overlook, I found this one little annotation.
It's about history and about the battle of Koom Valley. The Discworld Wiki says about that battle:

“Remember Koom Valley!” Hundreds of years ago, the trolls and the dwarfs met in a battle at Koom Valley. It was a remarkable battle in that each side ambushed the other and, of course, in being the historical event symbolizing the enmity between trolls and dwarfs. Nowadays, dwarfs celebrate the Battle of Koom Valley Day, on the same day that trolls celebrate Troll New Year. Sometimes, in a city where both dwarfs and trolls live (e.g. Ankh-Morpork), the two groups are careful enough to plan their celebratory marches so that they are coincidentally on the same street (see Men at Arms).

And here's the annotation (Thief of Time, p. 215):

Every society needs a cry like that, but only in a very few do they come out with the complete, unvarnished version, which is 'Remember-the-Atrocity-Committed-Against-Us-Last-Time-That-Will-Excuse-the-Atrocity-That-We're-About-to-Commit-Today! And So On! Hurrah!'

By the way, the book was released in 2001. I couldn't find any exact date, but Terry Pratchett must have been done writing before September of that year. Read more on this article...

Comfort Zone

I read the wikipedia article about Comfort Food recently - I have no idea how I stumbled upon it. I wanted to add German comfort food, but haven't gotten round to it.
Then yesterday I had a really bad day; stress, TBE vaccination, the hot weather, and whatever else, taking it's toll and I did something incredibly stupid at work. I kept thinking about how embarrassing it was and was shocked at how and why I had such a mental black-out. But later that evening, after watching some anime and listening to some music, I felt much better.
So I realized there's not only Comfort Food, there's other "Comfort stuff", too.

Comfort Food
I grew up with my Canadian relations, so Mac & Cheese (or Kraft Dinner, how's it called in Canada) is definitely comfort food for me. (Unless I eat too much of it.) Then there's also Lasagne - made by my mum, of course.
Chicken Soup is a favourite, too (this one seems to be nearly international), especially chicken noodle soup.
Something that always reminds me of my childhood is bread and gravy, it's basically just dipping good bread (without butter) into good gravy. It's something you only get in a family home, with left-over gravy.

Now over to the sweet stuff. Hot chocolate of course! Ice cream in summer.
Then there's "Pudding" which in German means something else than what you'd probably think of in English. It's a creamy dessert. Hot chocolate pudding - that one's probably my number one sweet comfort food. Followed by Grießbrei (a sweet semolina pudding) and sweet rice pudding - hot or cold.

I can't cook, so either these foods I only get at home, or they're convenient food. Mac & Cheese only counts as the convenience food by Kraft.

Comfort Movies, TV and books
The publishing company who publishes Bollywood movies in Germany has "Bollywood macht glücklich" (Bollywood makes you happy) as a slogan. And it is true - if you have enough time to spare for a traditional Bollywood movie, which usually last about 3 hours. The average Bollywood movie is a "masala movie, which means it has a bit of everything, and probably a happy ending. My favourites are probably Main Hoon Na and Paheli.
Then there's a couple of fantasy movies from my childhood, like Labyrinth and Willow, the one or other odd newer movie (like Penelope) and a few Ghibli movies, especially Howl's Moving Castle (you can read about the movie and the book in my recent blog post, too).

A few years back, when I was suffering from depression, one of the only things that made me laugh was Ranma 1/2. I got to the TV everyday in time to watch it, and dearly missed it on the weekend. It was my first anime. but nowadays other series took its place: I'm currently re-watching and enjoying Saiunkoku Monogatari. Ah, who wouldn't love some Seiran in their life?
I've also been thinking about watching Star Trek - The Next Generation. I only have one DVD box, so I've been thinking about buying the complete series. Star Trek TNG is a special TV series, one in a million. Not only is it Star Trek and has great actors like Patrick Stewart. I really appreciate the philosophy behind it (and agree with much of it) and the wisdom it countain; and what makes it a comfort TV series is the underlying positive attitude.


Then there's books. The perfect way to flee from reality.
Lord of the Rings: long enough to get you through some serious troubled times. That one helped me a lot when I was suffering from depression and living far from my home and family. Sometimes I think it saved my life. I got through the day because then I could go home and read.
Howl's Moving Castle is another one of these books. And books by Terry Pratchett; not all, but many.

Comfort Music
Queen of course. Queen has been with me all my life - it's hard to describe what their music means to me. When I hear Freddie's voice, I feel my shoulders relax and it all doesn't seem half that bad. It reminds me of my childhood, safe, carefree times.
Then there's Bruce Springsteen - he's also connceted to happy childhood memories. But also some of his newer songs have that uprising "Yes, we can" spirit.
Also, maybe Marillion.

Read more on this article...

Magazine for Freaks

I recently thought that it would be nice to have a magazine that is made for people like me.
Sure there are magazines for themes like tattoos, classic rock, metal, anime, etc. But they're too focused on one thing. It should be more diverse like the common women's magazine.

For example there could be editorial about steampunk fashion, recipes for singles, Goth make-up tutorials, video game reviews, anime convention reports, portraits of classic rock musicians...

Any ideas for other things that could be featured? Read more on this article...

Posts about my life?

I was thinking about doing some more blog posts. Smaller ones. Maybe some other than manga/anime reviews, but also posts about my life, life as a single woman, travelling, work.
I mean, it's not like anyone is actually following this blog and interested in my life. But just... I don't know... just because.

If - against all my exceptions - there is someone reading this: feel free to post what you'd like to read about.

I also thought it'd be nice to get someone else on board again, but I'm not sure who to ask. Read more on this article...

Winter Sleep

For the last few months I find myself in a strange mood.

I like to sleep a lot. If I make myself some food, it's mainly soup. I want to cuddle up in fluffy blankets. My consumption of hot chocolate has peaked.
When I was at my parent's over my birthday and the holidays, I took a hot bath nearly every evening.
I've been reading a lot, real books again, not mangas. Fantasy. I re-read the Belgariad and started the Kingkiller Chronicle.

I also hate getting out of my comfort zone even more than usual.
For example I really would have loved to see The Answer together with The Union in London. It's not uncommom for me to travel to see a concert - after all I travelled to Berlin to see The Answer. And I love Great Britain. But for London I'd have to get on a plane. I've been flying a lot last year, but I dislike it. I hate the whole issue of packing liquids the right size, arriving early, the security checks, the flying. So I won't be going.

I really don't think it's a bad thing. Maybe it's just natural and I keep following my instincts. I just never noticed it like that. Read more on this article...

"If you don't know where you're going, you're probably going wrong."

I've been into the anime Bleach the last few months and I just finished reading "I Shall Wear Midnight" by Terry Pratchett. The blog title is a quote from that book and it made me think.
I have spend my time over christmas and New Year at my parents, doing pretty much nothing, except reading, watching some TV or DVDs and "wasting time" on the internet. I have to go back to work on Monday and frankly I'm not really motivated.

After all this watching Bleach I feel kind of guilty about that. I feel that I should be motivated, that I should try hard to do my best and all that. While my co-workers are struggling to get under 10 hours of overtime, I hardly have any. I really don't have a lot of ambition. I don't want to "have a career", become a manager or something (though I'd like to earn more money some time of course).

People say "follow your dreams" and such. But what if I don't have any? I don't have a lot of ambitions in my job, I don't want to travel around the world, I don't have any great hobbies and I don't want to change the world. I always hated those question in job inteview: Where will you be in 3 (or sometimes 5) years? I really don't know what to say, but I feel like I ought to say something special.
Of course I have some things I'd like to do, some places I'd like to see, some things I'd like to change. But it's nothing big, nothing that would deserve a sentence like "follow your dreams".

A friend told me "many might have some dreams or goals, but many also settle for what they have" - settle. That sounds like a compromise. It has the taste of failure. Surely those people did something wrong, went wrong. They didn't try hard enough, they gave up. Their lives must not be worth much. They can't be happy like this, can they?

But didn't some wise man say "the journey is the destination"?

Let's face it: most of us are going to be average people, leading ordinary lives.
And there's nothing wrong with that. Read more on this article...

March

So! March has been a great month in many ways to me. I find myself smiling a smile that reaches my ears when I think back on this month. Lots of good things have happened. New and exciting things. Things that I was too afraid to hope for before have become a reality. And I feel good! Better than I have felt in a long while. Things are finally going my way, for the most part; I'm riding the wave of success, if you will. But I try not to think about it too much, in fear of jinxing it.

First of, I got my drivers license after passing both the written and practical test in one go. Very impressive, I think. Most of the people I know who've got a drivers license didn't pass either of the tests on their first time. And I've had to smear this piece of information in their faces, subtly hinting that I am superior. Luckily my friends are blessed with such kind hearts that they let me do it without feeling the need to point out how long it actually took me to get my license.

I've also met a few new and interesting people. One whom I've really taken a liking to. Together we've done some funny and exciting things. We've been to a reggae festival here among a few other events. The atmosphere was great! About 300 people crowding a small park, all having fun in their own way. No fights broke out. No one seemed miserable. We also paid a visit to Fair Erotica, a fair trade for erotic products. It was very interesting. And arousing. We also saw a woman dressed like a horse, complete with all accessories and a man brushing her 'tail' with a brush for horses. It was a very odd but funny sight.

And I've got a job again. I am now a salesperson in the building department of a mall not more than two minutes from where I live. I like it as I don't work full time, but around 30-35 hours/week. Gives me a bit more time to spend as I wish whilst making a decent amount of money. The people that I work with are nice and patient. They don't get angry or scream when I make a mistake. The customers, on the other hand, sometimes do. But you learn to shrug it off. And if all else fails, the guard who works there is a kick-ass girl who told me she'd protect me if a threatening situation should arise. I feel safe. A little emasculated but safe nonetheless.

And I'm happy. Now I can't help but wonder what April will bring with it. Read more on this article...