Blocked

I hate when that happens.
And it has happened to me several times. Not only on the internet I guess. But recently there. It's so much easier, I guess.

My first reaction normally is to worry. Has something happened to them (losing my first ex-bf didn't leave me unscarred)? Or are they just busy? After some time, in case they don't show up somewhere else, I'll do some research. Probably I'll find they're healthy.
So then it dawns on me: they ignored me.
Followed by all the questions. Why? Did I say someting wrong? Am I too "depressed", to pessimistic? Did they just get bored of me? Do they think I fell in love (it difficult sometimes, liking guys as friends)? Did they fall for me (discarded very soon, not logical)?
And I'm hurt. I get more obsessed with them than I'd usually be. It's both annoying and unlogical, but true: rejection makes me obsessed.
I'll miss talking to them; for very different reasons for each. Then I wonder what to do. To me online friends are friends. In a way I know they don't share this feeling, they never do; but I do think of myself as their friend. So just give up? I always plan to, I think to myself "let them go". But I can't. I have to try to get contact. Most likely I'll try more than once. And hate myself for it. I'm probably annoying them. Probably I'm making everything worse. But I just can't let go that easily.
I'll wonder for a very long time. I'll still think of them for a long time. I'll watch them from afar. I'll worry if they're not well, rejoice when they're happy. And wish I could take part a little more in their life. Sometimes things happen in my life, and I just wish I could tell them, share those experiences.

And you never get a reason. Not really, never. There's only silence.
I wonder if I could have changed, if I knew. Could I have explained? Would I have been forgiven?
I wish I would know why.
But then: wouldn't it have hurt more? I imagine it would at least have put an end to the questions.

The truth is, most probably I did the same to others. Maybe I should be more aware; to not act like this.

Those experiences made me insecure with those who are left. I am afraid to make a mistake. Sometimes when I feel like I have said something wrong, I feel really bad about it. For days. Anxious that they'll leave me, too. My name on one more block list.

One of those took me back, unblocked me. I'm thankful to have found forgiveness at least once. I appreciate this friendship. Read more on this article...

The grass on the other side

Work is tough recently. I'm accumulating overtime for weeks, for months now. There is always too much to do, and a project that's already weeks too late.
I have trouble getting up in the morning. I lack motivation. I am just tired. I can see no end. After work I'm tired, can hardly think straight (writing this blog entry isn't easy - I hope you excuse some faults that may have crept in), often I'm even too exhausted to talk with my mum on the phone. My holiday at the end of August seems so long away. And even thinking of of my holiday gives me stress, because I have nothing organized or planned yet. Weekends aren't relaxing because I have to do the housework that piled up during the week. I feel like heading towards a breakdown.
In short: it's no fun anymore.

I wonder why it's me having such trouble. Is it only me? Am I working more than others? Do I need more time because I'm less effective/good? Is my work-life balance off because I have no life? Do I simply have less energy, and if so then why?
I thought maybe I could do more, be more determined and committed if I was doing something I want to do. Coding never was something I wanted to do. I am not a programmer.

We had this workshop this week, with the e-commerce departement. Two other people who have studied the same as me, computer science in media, are working in that departement. Every one of us explained what we are doing. And sometimes I thought "well, that sounds really interesting, I'd like to do that".
The e-commerce departement is still looking for an information architect/usability specialist. I already was interested in the job during the internal advertisement. Now I'm again thinking about applying. There are several pros and cons of course.
Do I have the time, energy and motivation to really manage a good application? What if they decline, wouldn't that be embarrassing, wouldn't it affect my working environment badly? I am interested in the subject matter and it's what I'd like to do, but I have neither expert knowledge nor experience in that field. I do know our webshops very well though, after all I helped launching one of them. I like the team I'm working in right now, and I'm afraid the working environment in the other departement isn't quite as nice (for example I heard taking days off on overtime is hardly possible). I'd have a bad conscious leaving my team because I know how hard it is to find the right people and how much work lies on too few people. And actually I didn't want to stay too long in this dislikable city where I have no friends. I wanted to go abroad as long as I am (somewhat) young and have no ties here. But I have a quite safe job, in a mid-sized company that's part of a huge international corporate group.

So I'm afraid, regardless of how tired and exhausted as I am, I'll have to make a career decision soon.
Stay in a job with nice colleagues in a nice team, but do something I never really wanted to do long-term, and risking too become too specialized by staying too long. Or move on. And if I'm moving on, where to? Stay in the same city, the same company while trying to move into a field of work that I hopefully feel more comfortable in. Or look for a job within the corporate group? Or maybe try to get something abroad.

And while these thoughts are surely important now and will affect my future life greatly: they just add to the all the stress.
I just hope I somehow find the energy and the will to make it through.



"Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile still stays on." Read more on this article...

Finished

So my four year college course came to an end on Wednesday. We had an oral, in which I was placed with the external examiner, and he grilled me on questions that were far harder than anyone had expected. I found myself having to say 'I don't know' quite a lot, and the worst thing was that he had a copy of my thesis to hand, and was asking specific questions about the experiments that I hadn't prepared. I left it feeling pretty dejected.

Then a five hour wait until the results. We went for lunch, drank some beer in the bar, joked around, anything to take the minds off it. It was only on the long walk back to the department that the panic began to set in. This was the culmination of everything I'd worked for. If I didn't get a 2:1 I'd never be able to go to postgrad med-school. It was scary to say the least.

I was one of the first ones into the office, was handed my letter and opened it there and then. 1:1. First-class honours. Fucking delighted. But that wasn't all; in my relief I neglected to read the second line: First in the denominated class.

It still hasn't sunk in yet; it's more than I ever dared hope for. I feel so intellectually validated and vindicated now. This, coupled to my GAMSAT score, makes me very, very content. I'm going to medschool. I've even picked out my stethoscope on amazon here. Pretty cheap, but came second in this review of acoustics for a fraction of the price of the leader: here

So this is my last summer, and I'm gonna enjoy it. Going to go travelling, have friends considering asia for a month, headed over to France for a bit, lots of XBox to play (an entire year without it; I knew it would only scupper me if I had it sitting around). Lots of piano to be played. Myself and Romeo have a 12-week gym schedule set out, one I desperately need as I undid all the good I'd achieved before Christmas with study comfort eating.

And the study will continue: I can't afford to let my grasp slip. I'm hoping to get a broad idea of physiology too before summer's out, so I'll have two of the major diciplines accounted for.

But it should be pretty fun all told. Read more on this article...

I love her.

She comes in once a week. The time in which she rolls in on her wheelchair is never the same, but it’s always a Thursday. Her warm presence separates her from every other customer. She is always smiling. She is always full of life. And I admire her for that.

I know her shopping list like the back of my hand by now. I know she always buys two packs of milk, pastrami, bread of the week, dried fruit, a tv-guide and a couple oranges or apples. Sometimes she even likes to treat herself to a moist cake for 19,90 kronors. But only when she can get her hands on a newly baked one. “I settle only for the best” she says with a heart-warming smile. We exchange a couple frases and pleasantries every time. Sometimes we even chat for a minute or two if there’s no one else in line. I’ve come to look forward to those simple meetings. How she always lifts my spirit; how she does it with such ease.

And I love her. Read more on this article...

An unhealthy relationship

At home. I’m staring at the glowing computer screen in the darkness of my newly decorated room. Rocking back and forth on my chair, covered in cold sweat. Muttering “oh god” to myself.

A month ago I joined this Swedish auction site called Tradera. I joined purely out of boredom. I thought it would be a fun thing, checking out some interesting auctions, following bidding wars on exclusive items, see how much some fools would be willing to pay for an autographed baseball.

Now it has taken over my life. I’m abusing it. I’m bidding on things to the left and right. Mostly on useless things – things that would neither serve to entertain me nor be of any use to me. But that doesn’t matter; all that matters is the rush I get from placing the highest bid. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel rich! But then I get this icy chill down my spine and I think to myself: “What have I done?”. Overwhelming feelings of regret, emptiness and shame wash over me, much like post-masturbation.

I often find myself looking at my page and realising that I’ve the highest bid on several different items that I don’t really want. And I pray that some kind soul would overbid me before the auction ends. I try to distract myself by visiting other sites, but it’s all futile resistance. Soon I’m back again, bidding on yet another useless piece of crap, feeling disgusted by my lack of self-discipline.

This has turned into quite an unhealthy relationship, huh? Read more on this article...

Good morning!

I lie in bed looking at the cracks in the ceiling. I follow them from corner to corner. Choke an impulse to shout at a dog barking outside. I glance to my left and let my eyes rest on your placid figure. I watch as the morning sun gently brushes your back. I turn my eyes to the cracks again. Get up and sit on the edge. I look at the naked wood floor and take my first step without any sound being made. I pick up my mountain of clothes from the floor and start sneaking out. Not a sound echoes in the bedroom. I know this floor; I know where it creaks and I know where it squeaks. I can beat it. I carefully take a few steps and look back at the still figure lying on the bed. I'm terrified. I am Robin Hood and she is prince John in her comfortable slumber. Take a few more steps and then it happens. My phone drops from the pocket of my jeans. I know I've lost. Prince John wakes up. "Cut it out", she clears her throat and shifts position. I quickly take a few more steps and just before I close the door I say: "Good morning!". Read more on this article...

March

So! March has been a great month in many ways to me. I find myself smiling a smile that reaches my ears when I think back on this month. Lots of good things have happened. New and exciting things. Things that I was too afraid to hope for before have become a reality. And I feel good! Better than I have felt in a long while. Things are finally going my way, for the most part; I'm riding the wave of success, if you will. But I try not to think about it too much, in fear of jinxing it.

First of, I got my drivers license after passing both the written and practical test in one go. Very impressive, I think. Most of the people I know who've got a drivers license didn't pass either of the tests on their first time. And I've had to smear this piece of information in their faces, subtly hinting that I am superior. Luckily my friends are blessed with such kind hearts that they let me do it without feeling the need to point out how long it actually took me to get my license.

I've also met a few new and interesting people. One whom I've really taken a liking to. Together we've done some funny and exciting things. We've been to a reggae festival here among a few other events. The atmosphere was great! About 300 people crowding a small park, all having fun in their own way. No fights broke out. No one seemed miserable. We also paid a visit to Fair Erotica, a fair trade for erotic products. It was very interesting. And arousing. We also saw a woman dressed like a horse, complete with all accessories and a man brushing her 'tail' with a brush for horses. It was a very odd but funny sight.

And I've got a job again. I am now a salesperson in the building department of a mall not more than two minutes from where I live. I like it as I don't work full time, but around 30-35 hours/week. Gives me a bit more time to spend as I wish whilst making a decent amount of money. The people that I work with are nice and patient. They don't get angry or scream when I make a mistake. The customers, on the other hand, sometimes do. But you learn to shrug it off. And if all else fails, the guard who works there is a kick-ass girl who told me she'd protect me if a threatening situation should arise. I feel safe. A little emasculated but safe nonetheless.

And I'm happy. Now I can't help but wonder what April will bring with it. Read more on this article...