Sunday, November 24, 2013

Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain

I feel so tired. Both physically and mentally.

Alright, I've been off work for more than a week because I caught a cold. So it's not too surprising to feel exhausted. But I've been sleeping a lot and did nothing much, but I still feel tired.
And while it's especially bad at the moment, it's been like this for a long time. I've felt like I lack energy for many years now, sometimes more, sometimes less. Some time ago I had myself thoroughly checked through, cardiogram, allergies, and everything. Back then they found that my lung only has about two thirds the usual capacity. But the doctor said as long as I didn't feel a sudden drop it most probably is natural/congenital. I usually don't notice it in everyday life, except in yoga classes during deep-breathing exercises.
I take meds for Hypothyroidism, my iron and vitamin levels should be ok, too. I'm thinking of countermeasures to my slight dust mite allergy next.

Sometimes I really feel desperate. At times I decided that this is just how I am and I should accept it. But life makes it difficult. I get nothing done. Even when I try to take little steps at a time... it doesn't work. I'm procrastinating, yes, but my low energy level play into this, too. During the week, now that I have to commute so much, I don't get anything done. Especially things that take more time or concentration - no chance. And then on the weekends I plan to do at least a little bit more, but I also sleep a lot. On Saturdays I do the shopping and after heaving all the thing to the top floor, I'm exhausted for the rest of the day. On Sundays I do some cleaning up, but just the bare minimum, not as much as I actually need to do. So my flat is a mess right now and it's annoying me and so many things need to be done, but I just can't bring myself to do them.

I also spend a lot of time on the weekend, surfing the internet, watching shows, reading books. In a way I feel guilty about it (when so much housework is left undone), but I also feel like I need it. during the week there is also hardly time for anything but work and commute, just checking the new mails and new messages on Twitter and Pinterest. I don't dare to start reading a good book or watch an hour long episode of something, because I'm afraid it will cost me too much sleep. I'm more of a night owl and getting to bed in time is difficult enough.

But I like to read or watch anime or Asian drama series or something like that. It's fun, it makes me happy. It takes me away from this world. Yes, I like escaping reality.
I'm tired of this world. There doesn't seem to be much good left. The world is going down the drain. All efforts to stop climate change is jeopardized. The U.S. is doing whatever they find in their best interest, no matter whether others suffer or rights are disregarded and they will answer to no court - it's like a new global dictatorship. There is no gender equality and sometimes I think most people don't want it. I feel like it actually got worse after the 80s and 90s. Same goes for homosexuals and everyone else who isn't acting like they are expected to. And I feel helpless about all that. Sometimes I feel like I should do something, get involved; but then I think of how I can't even manage tidy up my home.
Then there's me and my family. I'm working in a field where I never wanted to end up. I earn good money (though I'm not rich), but it's not where I want to work for the rest of my life. I don't like the company I'm working at the moment. Yes, I just changed jobs, and the work is alright and the co-workers are alright, but the company itself is... not likable. I don't like the conditions of work, it's all so old-fashioned. Considering the lack of energy, I'm afraid I have to give up on ever re-doing my Master of Science degree. I tried to change fields of work last time and it didn't work. My older brother still didn't finish studying and he's thinking about giving up and working as a guitar teacher. He's already rather old to start a professional life, but we always hoped that as engineers are really wanted, it would work out anyway. I'm afraid work as a music teacher (untrained) is very unstable and won't make a lot of money. My parents are still living beyond their means, even though my father is now retired and they have less money. My mum isn't completely healthy and suffers from having to work even part-time. I feel like I have to go on and earn well, so I can support them. I can't become a Hikikomori, even if I feel like it. I'm afraid of what would happen if I couldn't go on working like this. For example if my depression came back full force...

I'm really afraid of already being in another phase of depression. I've been clinically depressed before and took meds and because of it, I couldn't finish my Master of Science degree. I can't afford not to function at the moment. So I just have to go on somehow. Even though I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow, I'll just set the alarm to 6 AM, get up and get through the day somehow.
I'm not suicidal. I couldn't do this to my parents. And there's good music yet to come and so many books left to read and the next Hobbit movies...

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