Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Pull yourself together 'cos you know you should do better

Recently I've been thinking. About identity, and changing yourself for the sake of others.
I know, I know. It's "philosphically incorrect" to do that. "Be yourself", they say, "faking won't make you happy", they say. But what if no one likes you the way you are? "There is someone somewhere that will like you." Yeah? Well, I am right here, right now, and I am lonely. That maybe somewhere in the world there is someone who might like me or maybe I will meet someone like that sometime does not help me now.

Of course there are people who like me.
I've been told people at work like me. That's not the like I mean. We get along ok. But they won't miss me when I'm gone. They won't think of me. They don't want to share their life with me.
There's internet acquaintances who say they like me. I believe them, and I like them, too. I do consider them friends, in a way. But still - something is missing.
Then there's my family. Yes, they love me. They often miss me. But... that's not enough. I want someone to love me who does not know me from an age where I couldn't go to the toilet alone.

I am following tinybuddha on Twitter. Recently there have been two posts that are connected with what's going on in my mind at the moment.
"How to deal with negative people" I retweeted this, but I didn't dare to add that people knowing me might need it. Yes, I am negative. And I know I shouldn't be. People don't like people like that. But it's really hard to be different; in a way that's just how I am. It's how I see things. I admit I don't think I could be able to constantly filter what I'm saying and check it for negativity and think how people would react to it. In a way it wouldn't feel right either. It wouldn't be genuine. Could anyone really be my friend who only knows what passed my internal "don't say something negative" censorship? And what would there be left to say? Would there be anything left to say? I mean, I guess that it's not be too bad, talking less and listening more, but I do want to tell a bit about myself, too. What to answer if they ask how I am doing or how my day was? But still I want to try to better myself, a little at least, as much as I feel comfortable with.
"There's nothing wrong with you." I don't really think I'm an awful person. I think I'm good, mostly. But I have found that that's not enough. I have been more or less independent from peer groups all my life. I'm sure most people will find that something positive, and I thought so myself for a long time, maybe in a way I'm still thinking like that. But where has it brought me to? I'm living alone in a place where I have no friends. There are many days, when I'm off work, that I don't see anyone (and with anyone I mean anyone). There are some days, when I'm not working, the stores are closed and I'm not talking on the phone with my mum, that I don't utter a single word.

I am suffering. I don't like my life like that. I want to change. Though a part of me thinks that I'm generally a good person, I also think that there's something wrong with me. Otherwise I would not be in this situation. There are uglier people than me being loved, and hell, even Hitler found someone to marry. There's got to be something... Even though I am alright for myself, I am not all right for others, and that again is making me feel bad.
But I don't know what to do. I don't know what the problem is. Not exactly. Is it only my negativity? Is there something else? And can I change it? (Unfortunately I have a terrible lack of self-discipline.)
I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless.

And I wonder: would I be different if someone loved me? If I got a hug now and then, if someone adored me, if I got some love & affection. Would my life be better? Would I be more positive? Would other people also like me more? Would I be a better person?
It sounds like a vicious circle.

This blog post's title is taken from "Spread Your Wings" by Queen. Read more on this article...

Friday, May 14, 2010

So uncute?

I thought about maybe starting to post some reviews of mangas or animes here.
I'm not a big expert on the scene, but there's a few gems I think I found.

My first contact with anime was back many years. I was in a depressive phase. I was living with my parents, hanging around all day, not doing much, not wanting to do much. By chance I watched the children's program one afternoon and they were just giving an insight into one specific anime they show. I thought it was a bit weird, a guy turning into a girl when splashed with cold water, others turning into animals. But then I saw this episode with that poor little black piglet getting lost in China. And I laughed as much as I haven't laughed in a long, long time. I was hooked and though I didn't manage to bring myself to do much, I was in front of the TV every day to watch Ranma 1/2. My parents thought it was weird that I was watching "that children stuff", but I guess they saw how much joy it gave me and they let me.
To this day I have not yet managed to watch all Ranma episodes or collect all books.

I was curious and I looked for others series I might like. None of my friends was reading manga or watching anime, so it wasn't easy getting recommendations. The choice is huge, which makes choosing a lot more difficult.
I was lucky that one of the first josei mangas I came across was a really good one, Tramps Like Us.
Josei is mangas aimed at adult women. I guess that can include very many themes, from business woman Slice of Life to yaoi (gay porn), but what it normally doesn't include is high school girls getting their first kiss or turning into magic super heros.

As I said, my search was very much trial and error and I want to try to share some trial with whoever is reading this. Read more on this article...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

It's the season for the mad masquerade?

Violence bothers me.
Not all. I remember having watched Interview with the Vampire and being fine with a vampire being sliced into two pieces. Maybe because it's not humans. Maybe because it's just something that happens, not a vital part of the plot. But I also remember once watching Fisher's King and the scene where his wife is killed - I never, ever watched that movie again.

Violence didn't play a big part in my life. I was never raped, never beat up and no one close to me have been violently killed. So why do I have such a problem with it?
I tend to think it's empathy. I might have too much of it. Sometimes I feel like one of those telepaths in science fiction stories that have to shield their mind from the thoughts of others. I shield myself from violence. Because I know it will only hurt me.

I do not understand how violence can be entertaining. Celebrated even.
We are terrified at the idea of child soldiers in Africa - and then we watch a little girl kill and people are think it's great, just because it's in a movie? How can people turn off their brain and not realize that similar things happen in real life, to real people?
For most people it doesn't seem to be a problem. Horror movies are a very popular genre. A lot of people get into fights. A lot of people think that a guy who doesn't fight is a pussy. A lot of people think that violence is an acceptable way of solving things, and if someone does *insert.insult.or.offence* it's ok to "punch 'im".

I admit I'm having a hard time tolerating people like that. I try not to be disgusted. I tell myself they're normal people, nice people, some of them I consider friends.
Maybe it's like Yoda said: Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate. I am not angry, but I guess I am afraid. I'm afraid to be the victim of violence.
So perhaps I should learn some martial arts, become good in it, so I don't have to be afraid anymore? Maybe that would give me some peace of mind. But: why do I have to resort to violence (or at least the possibility of it) in order to prevent it?

This blog post's title is taken from "Put out the Fire" by Queen. Read more on this article...