Thursday, October 1, 2009


I hate when that happens.
And it has happened to me several times. Not only on the internet I guess. But recently there. It's so much easier, I guess.

My first reaction normally is to worry. Has something happened to them (losing my first ex-bf didn't leave me unscarred)? Or are they just busy? After some time, in case they don't show up somewhere else, I'll do some research. Probably I'll find they're healthy.
So then it dawns on me: they ignored me.
Followed by all the questions. Why? Did I say someting wrong? Am I too "depressed", to pessimistic? Did they just get bored of me? Do they think I fell in love (it difficult sometimes, liking guys as friends)? Did they fall for me (discarded very soon, not logical)?
And I'm hurt. I get more obsessed with them than I'd usually be. It's both annoying and unlogical, but true: rejection makes me obsessed.
I'll miss talking to them; for very different reasons for each. Then I wonder what to do. To me online friends are friends. In a way I know they don't share this feeling, they never do; but I do think of myself as their friend. So just give up? I always plan to, I think to myself "let them go". But I can't. I have to try to get contact. Most likely I'll try more than once. And hate myself for it. I'm probably annoying them. Probably I'm making everything worse. But I just can't let go that easily.
I'll wonder for a very long time. I'll still think of them for a long time. I'll watch them from afar. I'll worry if they're not well, rejoice when they're happy. And wish I could take part a little more in their life. Sometimes things happen in my life, and I just wish I could tell them, share those experiences.

And you never get a reason. Not really, never. There's only silence.
I wonder if I could have changed, if I knew. Could I have explained? Would I have been forgiven?
I wish I would know why.
But then: wouldn't it have hurt more? I imagine it would at least have put an end to the questions.

The truth is, most probably I did the same to others. Maybe I should be more aware; to not act like this.

Those experiences made me insecure with those who are left. I am afraid to make a mistake. Sometimes when I feel like I have said something wrong, I feel really bad about it. For days. Anxious that they'll leave me, too. My name on one more block list.

One of those took me back, unblocked me. I'm thankful to have found forgiveness at least once. I appreciate this friendship.

1 comment:

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