Work is tough recently. I'm accumulating overtime for weeks, for months now. There is always too much to do, and a project that's already weeks too late.
I have trouble getting up in the morning. I lack motivation. I am just tired. I can see no end. After work I'm tired, can hardly think straight (writing this blog entry isn't easy - I hope you excuse some faults that may have crept in), often I'm even too exhausted to talk with my mum on the phone. My holiday at the end of August seems so long away. And even thinking of of my holiday gives me stress, because I have nothing organized or planned yet. Weekends aren't relaxing because I have to do the housework that piled up during the week. I feel like heading towards a breakdown.
In short: it's no fun anymore.
I wonder why it's me having such trouble. Is it only me? Am I working more than others? Do I need more time because I'm less effective/good? Is my work-life balance off because I have no life? Do I simply have less energy, and if so then why?
I thought maybe I could do more, be more determined and committed if I was doing something I want to do. Coding never was something I wanted to do. I am not a programmer.
We had this workshop this week, with the e-commerce departement. Two other people who have studied the same as me, computer science in media, are working in that departement. Every one of us explained what we are doing. And sometimes I thought "well, that sounds really interesting, I'd like to do that".
The e-commerce departement is still looking for an information architect/usability specialist. I already was interested in the job during the internal advertisement. Now I'm again thinking about applying. There are several pros and cons of course.
Do I have the time, energy and motivation to really manage a good application? What if they decline, wouldn't that be embarrassing, wouldn't it affect my working environment badly? I am interested in the subject matter and it's what I'd like to do, but I have neither expert knowledge nor experience in that field. I do know our webshops very well though, after all I helped launching one of them. I like the team I'm working in right now, and I'm afraid the working environment in the other departement isn't quite as nice (for example I heard taking days off on overtime is hardly possible). I'd have a bad conscious leaving my team because I know how hard it is to find the right people and how much work lies on too few people. And actually I didn't want to stay too long in this dislikable city where I have no friends. I wanted to go abroad as long as I am (somewhat) young and have no ties here. But I have a quite safe job, in a mid-sized company that's part of a huge international corporate group.
So I'm afraid, regardless of how tired and exhausted as I am, I'll have to make a career decision soon.
Stay in a job with nice colleagues in a nice team, but do something I never really wanted to do long-term, and risking too become too specialized by staying too long. Or move on. And if I'm moving on, where to? Stay in the same city, the same company while trying to move into a field of work that I hopefully feel more comfortable in. Or look for a job within the corporate group? Or maybe try to get something abroad.
And while these thoughts are surely important now and will affect my future life greatly: they just add to the all the stress.
I just hope I somehow find the energy and the will to make it through.
"Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile still stays on."