Sunday, November 30, 2008

Broken Toy

It was never planned. Never intended. Never even thought of.

I listened to him. Like I listen to many. I like to think I help them. They talk to me, they tell. I try to help, over the distance.
I don’t know what it was that made him a bit different. Maybe he has a way with words. Maybe…no, I don’t know. I still don’t understand.

I'm not sure how it happened. Just one day, suddenly, it went from the harmless, common virtual kisses and hugs to...more intimate things.
It is hard to describe. There's no way to make someone understand, I guess. It will always just sound incredibly stupid. So I'll just say that it was more intense than I thought it could be.

He’s young, very young. Maybe even not quite legal yet. The age when they're eager, always horny, a bit bad-tempered, wild, full of energy, easy to excite, in the middle of the process of growing up and of discovering sexuality.
I tried to teach him a bit.

We knew it was madness. Amour Fou if there ever was one. We never dreamed of a relationship. Our dream was a weekend in a hotel room.
Fou – mad indeed. He disappeared for months and I was worried senseless. Tried every means of contact. Later when I was so close to him on a holiday, hoping to meet, my madness got too obsessive and very nearly turned me into a stalker.

He keeps doing that: Leaving and then coming back. He never expects anything when coming back but always gets it.
It leaves me puzzled. I’m defenseless with him. He can hurt me in an instant without intent, and turn me into a crying heartbroken girl.
I lose all reason. I lose all strength.

I used to call him my toy boy. But it’s not true. In this relationship, despite the age difference, he’s the one being reasonable. I guess it’s more me, the one being a toy. But not quite.
I don’t have a word for this. I can’t explain.

I wish I could understand and I am often wondering about it: how could this happen? There is no physical presence messing with my mind. How is this possible? What is it about him?
Whenever I tell others about him they see it: he’s an ass. He would most probably be the very first one to say so. So why do I like him? Still do, after he hurt me so many times. I guess I couldn’t just make it stop even if I knew.
But it bugs me that I completely do not understand it.

Any way.
I lost him.

1 comment:

Broken Toy said...

Oh, fuck off.