Once more I'm in thoughts about myself, my identity and the social world around me.
I'm going to tell a little secret: I do have a minor crush on some celebrity (if he's famous enough to be called that).
I should be too old for something like this, too mature. I am not sure what it is about him, he's not some unearthly beauty. I am not even sure if there is a sexual component to it. I like the way he moves (alright, maybe there is something slightly sexual in that). And I really like his style. It's nothing fancy. But when I look around, there don't seem to be a lot of people like that.
I have met him twice now, and he's a very friendly and likeable person. Of course this crush is going nowhere, not only, but also because he's taken.
The point of me telling this? I caught myself thinking: "I wish there was someone like this in my life".
There's those moments when I feel like I'm not the only one of a kind.
When I met Michael, my favourite colleague at my old job, maybe I felt some similarity there, too. He liked Black Books, and he knew who Bright Eyes was. But we never got close, not even as friends.
I've watched a DVD by My Chemical Romance and saw the singer wave around a replica of Sting.
If three guys of that kind exist, there surely must be more?
When I think of someone, a possible friend, I only ever think of guys. Why?
I'm not sure. I just generally prefer the company of men. Though of course the possibility of sexual and romantic tension poses a risk. But maybe also my longing for some sexual and/or romantic relationship mixes in with it. I'm not sure. It's as it is.
I am aware that at my age the chance that a guy I like is already in a relationship is very high. If he is, friendship will be difficult. Even if he's not, I don't think there's much chance of him being interested in me, even less in a non-platonic way.
But I feel so lost and lonely. Just a casual friendship would be an improvement.
If not somebody to love then someone to talk to who understands. Someone who gets my jokes. Someone to go to concerts with.
Just somebody.
This blog post's title is taken from "Somebody to Love" by Queen.
Read more on this article...
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
review: Suppli
Suppli is my second favourite josei manga so far. And sorry: I have no idea what the title means.
Apparently in Japan there's seven volumes so far and there's also a drama series (according to wikipedia). Tokyopop USA published three volumes, but then stopped. Fortunately they have started again and just this summer issued Volume 4 and 5 in one book.
Rating: 4/5
Volumes: 7 (so far?)
Mature content: some, but not very graphic
Genre: Josei
Minami Fuji is 27 years old and works at an advertisement office. After she splits up with her boyfriend of seven years, she realizes she has always spend her free time with her boyfriend and no one else and thus has no friends.
She tries to concentrate on working hard, and starts spending her free time with her coworkers. She doesn't know how to socialize well, but they take her up into their midst anyway. One of them is romantically interested in her, but Fuji meets a new colleague who has just been transferred and falls for him. They start having a casual relationship, and she starts getting attached to him - and then finds out he is involved with another coworker, a married woman she had adored because of her seeming ease to combine being a working woman with being a feminine one, too.
Maybe I like Suppli because I can identify with Fuji. She is so clumsy about her social life and absolutely "un-cute", she's not a very girly or sexy type: "I really do want to be kinder and happier and cuter but something inside of me gets in my way."
Her appearance is practical, made to fit her work life, not made to be attractive, and she has a hard time trying to look more feminine.
Apparently the series depicts the work life in Japan very well, and I have to say I'm glad I don't work there, it seems very stressful. It is interesting to read though, and maybe gives a little insight into a foreign culture and work life at an advertising company.
At the end of every book there's one page with explanations and cultural notes - a great idea and very helpful at times.
The drawings take some getting used to, in my opinion. Especially the men look so similar that it's sometimes hard to tell them apart.
Some double pages have a background connecting the panels, raindrops, leaves, starry sky, etc., which creates a really beautiful and dense atmosphere. Read more on this article...
Apparently in Japan there's seven volumes so far and there's also a drama series (according to wikipedia). Tokyopop USA published three volumes, but then stopped. Fortunately they have started again and just this summer issued Volume 4 and 5 in one book.
Rating: 4/5
Volumes: 7 (so far?)
Mature content: some, but not very graphic
Genre: Josei
Minami Fuji is 27 years old and works at an advertisement office. After she splits up with her boyfriend of seven years, she realizes she has always spend her free time with her boyfriend and no one else and thus has no friends.
She tries to concentrate on working hard, and starts spending her free time with her coworkers. She doesn't know how to socialize well, but they take her up into their midst anyway. One of them is romantically interested in her, but Fuji meets a new colleague who has just been transferred and falls for him. They start having a casual relationship, and she starts getting attached to him - and then finds out he is involved with another coworker, a married woman she had adored because of her seeming ease to combine being a working woman with being a feminine one, too.
Maybe I like Suppli because I can identify with Fuji. She is so clumsy about her social life and absolutely "un-cute", she's not a very girly or sexy type: "I really do want to be kinder and happier and cuter but something inside of me gets in my way."
Her appearance is practical, made to fit her work life, not made to be attractive, and she has a hard time trying to look more feminine.
Apparently the series depicts the work life in Japan very well, and I have to say I'm glad I don't work there, it seems very stressful. It is interesting to read though, and maybe gives a little insight into a foreign culture and work life at an advertising company.
At the end of every book there's one page with explanations and cultural notes - a great idea and very helpful at times.
The drawings take some getting used to, in my opinion. Especially the men look so similar that it's sometimes hard to tell them apart.
Some double pages have a background connecting the panels, raindrops, leaves, starry sky, etc., which creates a really beautiful and dense atmosphere. Read more on this article...
Saturday, July 10, 2010
review: Love Blog!!
No, this is not going to be a blog post about love, this is my first review of a josei manga. Which is called - you guessed it - "Love Blog!!", written and drawn by Akira Fujiwara.
Love Blog!! has three volumes, followed by a sequel called "Love Blog!! Next" (which I haven't read).
Rating: 3/5
Volumes: 3 (4 including the sequel), finished
Mature content: yes, some
Genre: Josei
Leading character is Eriko, a 23-year-old secretary with hobbies like long phone calls, going out and dancing, getting dressed up, shopping and drinking. Her best friend, cousin and room mate is annoyed by her constant ranting about childish men so he tells her to write it all into a blog. Thus every chapter ends with Eriko typing her thoughts about what happened into her blog.
She has set her mind on finding the perfect man, good-looking, nice and of course he has to be rich, too. In walks her new boss, who seems to be all that - except that he's got a girlfriend. So she drowns her sorrow in alcohol, has sex with her "childish" colleague who she knows has a big crush on her. On her way home she meets her boss who just split up with his jealous and controlling girlfriend and they have some amazing sex in the park.
Yes, that's how it starts.
Honestly Eriko is a bitch. She set her mind on getting together with her boss and his reunion with his girlfriend won't stop her, so she makes them break up. In the meantime she uses her colleague for sex and comfort (though she makes it clear she's out for the boss). Maybe some women can identify with her. I can't.
After the first book I gave it another chance. The second volume gets a little better as some conflicts arise when her gay cousin rebuffs her "femme fatale" best friend and her boss/boyfriends ex turns into a stalker.
The best and deepest characters in this series are the male ones, though her "perfect" boss Kai to a lesser extend than her supposedly childish colleague Azumi and her gay cousin Masami. All women are extremely dislikable.
In spite of all that it's readable, there aren't ridiculously many sex scenes and there's actually a plot. And it's only three volumes anyway. Cliffhangers at the end of each volume help continuing, too.
If you like "Sex and the City", you might like this manga, too. Read more on this article...
Love Blog!! has three volumes, followed by a sequel called "Love Blog!! Next" (which I haven't read).
Rating: 3/5
Volumes: 3 (4 including the sequel), finished
Mature content: yes, some
Genre: Josei
Leading character is Eriko, a 23-year-old secretary with hobbies like long phone calls, going out and dancing, getting dressed up, shopping and drinking. Her best friend, cousin and room mate is annoyed by her constant ranting about childish men so he tells her to write it all into a blog. Thus every chapter ends with Eriko typing her thoughts about what happened into her blog.
She has set her mind on finding the perfect man, good-looking, nice and of course he has to be rich, too. In walks her new boss, who seems to be all that - except that he's got a girlfriend. So she drowns her sorrow in alcohol, has sex with her "childish" colleague who she knows has a big crush on her. On her way home she meets her boss who just split up with his jealous and controlling girlfriend and they have some amazing sex in the park.
Yes, that's how it starts.
Honestly Eriko is a bitch. She set her mind on getting together with her boss and his reunion with his girlfriend won't stop her, so she makes them break up. In the meantime she uses her colleague for sex and comfort (though she makes it clear she's out for the boss). Maybe some women can identify with her. I can't.
After the first book I gave it another chance. The second volume gets a little better as some conflicts arise when her gay cousin rebuffs her "femme fatale" best friend and her boss/boyfriends ex turns into a stalker.
The best and deepest characters in this series are the male ones, though her "perfect" boss Kai to a lesser extend than her supposedly childish colleague Azumi and her gay cousin Masami. All women are extremely dislikable.
In spite of all that it's readable, there aren't ridiculously many sex scenes and there's actually a plot. And it's only three volumes anyway. Cliffhangers at the end of each volume help continuing, too.
If you like "Sex and the City", you might like this manga, too. Read more on this article...
A month passed
I feel the need to blog about my new job, having spend a month there. But honestly I'm not sure what to say? What is important about starting a new job?
Well, first of all I found that a big part of the team is rather new, as is the organization. Many processes are not efficient or not yet established. For someone new this is a little confusing, but maybe also a chance to shape things.
On the other hand there's a set of Web 2.0 tools that are implemented, a wiki, a company instant messenger, a company-wide social network, and there's going to be more. Unfortunately not a lot of people use them yet, but I'm positive it will get better. To me it shows that at least the IT and a few decision-makers are open minded, looking into the future and trying to adapt and change things.
I've had a hard time finding into my actual job. What do I do there? I'm still not completely sure. As I said, the team I'm in is new and so there's no very clear instruction. But I think I'm getting there, slowly.
My first project will be finishing another project from earlier this year. It proves to be rather tricky because no one really seems to know how it's working. It has been implemented by an external coworker.
My colleagues are nice. There's not a lot of distance to those in higher positions, it seems. This week I was at a conference in a really good hotel with a colleague. I think it shows respect of the people to really send the ones who will have to work with the product. A lot of companies only send managers to such events.
There doesn't seem to be much of a dress code either, which I admit surprised me a little. After all this is a retail company selling clothes and furniture. I mean it's not high class designer products, but not exactly cheap either.
Also I seem to be one of the oldest. It's kind of strange when I think about it: my team leader is 2 years younger than me, the departmement head a few years older and the division manager 10 years older. But since they have more experience and do a different job, in every day work it's not much of a problem.
I'm not sure whether there's potential friends among my colleagues. One actually freaks me out, he always seems to be smirking; I'm trying to ignore it, but it makes me uncomfortable. Amongst the others... it's hard to say. No one I'd spontaneously think as absolutely sympathetic. But it's only been a month. I do miss having someone like my favorite colleague at the old job, someone from another departement with who you can get together from time to time to talk and maybe vent a little.
The IT guys always walk past my desk, and there's one or two good looking ones. ;) But we weren't introduced (yet).
Well, that's it, that's the update after one month of work at the new job. Read more on this article...
Well, first of all I found that a big part of the team is rather new, as is the organization. Many processes are not efficient or not yet established. For someone new this is a little confusing, but maybe also a chance to shape things.
On the other hand there's a set of Web 2.0 tools that are implemented, a wiki, a company instant messenger, a company-wide social network, and there's going to be more. Unfortunately not a lot of people use them yet, but I'm positive it will get better. To me it shows that at least the IT and a few decision-makers are open minded, looking into the future and trying to adapt and change things.
I've had a hard time finding into my actual job. What do I do there? I'm still not completely sure. As I said, the team I'm in is new and so there's no very clear instruction. But I think I'm getting there, slowly.
My first project will be finishing another project from earlier this year. It proves to be rather tricky because no one really seems to know how it's working. It has been implemented by an external coworker.
My colleagues are nice. There's not a lot of distance to those in higher positions, it seems. This week I was at a conference in a really good hotel with a colleague. I think it shows respect of the people to really send the ones who will have to work with the product. A lot of companies only send managers to such events.
There doesn't seem to be much of a dress code either, which I admit surprised me a little. After all this is a retail company selling clothes and furniture. I mean it's not high class designer products, but not exactly cheap either.
Also I seem to be one of the oldest. It's kind of strange when I think about it: my team leader is 2 years younger than me, the departmement head a few years older and the division manager 10 years older. But since they have more experience and do a different job, in every day work it's not much of a problem.
I'm not sure whether there's potential friends among my colleagues. One actually freaks me out, he always seems to be smirking; I'm trying to ignore it, but it makes me uncomfortable. Amongst the others... it's hard to say. No one I'd spontaneously think as absolutely sympathetic. But it's only been a month. I do miss having someone like my favorite colleague at the old job, someone from another departement with who you can get together from time to time to talk and maybe vent a little.
The IT guys always walk past my desk, and there's one or two good looking ones. ;) But we weren't introduced (yet).
Well, that's it, that's the update after one month of work at the new job. Read more on this article...
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
What I'll miss
As much as I disliked the other town, there's some thing I will miss here.
Michael, my favourite colleague.
Of course there are nice people here, too, but I really got along very well with him. I trusted him. I could talk about all kind of things with him. He helped me a lot, probably more than he knows. He also had a way to calm me down when I needed it. He's a great guy.
My yoga teacher.
It's not easy finding the right teacher for you. She looked after everyone, so no one would do asanas that weren't good for them. And at the beginning of every course we'd talk a little about an aspect of yoga philosophy.
Living in the city centre.
It's very convenient to live close to all kinds of stores. To be able to go shopping for clothes on your way home instead on Saturdays in packed stores. Most of the street festivals and activities were close by, too.
Ready made fruits in single-friendly portions.
Like that one store always used to have. They also had a small salad buffet. Perfect for single life. Unfortunately I don't live close to one anymore.
Chocolate buns for breakfast.
Sometimes I can't eat much early in the morning, so it was perfect getting something to eat on the way to the bus, or eating it at work while all the programs were booting.
I guess this is a chance to get rid of some bad habits I developed and try to change some things. For example I'll try to wear contacts to work every day (I can't see very well with my glasses). And I want to take up Nordic Walking again.
Unfortunately I'm sure I'll also develop new bad habits. Read more on this article...
Michael, my favourite colleague.
Of course there are nice people here, too, but I really got along very well with him. I trusted him. I could talk about all kind of things with him. He helped me a lot, probably more than he knows. He also had a way to calm me down when I needed it. He's a great guy.
My yoga teacher.
It's not easy finding the right teacher for you. She looked after everyone, so no one would do asanas that weren't good for them. And at the beginning of every course we'd talk a little about an aspect of yoga philosophy.
Living in the city centre.
It's very convenient to live close to all kinds of stores. To be able to go shopping for clothes on your way home instead on Saturdays in packed stores. Most of the street festivals and activities were close by, too.
Ready made fruits in single-friendly portions.
Like that one store always used to have. They also had a small salad buffet. Perfect for single life. Unfortunately I don't live close to one anymore.
Chocolate buns for breakfast.
Sometimes I can't eat much early in the morning, so it was perfect getting something to eat on the way to the bus, or eating it at work while all the programs were booting.
I guess this is a chance to get rid of some bad habits I developed and try to change some things. For example I'll try to wear contacts to work every day (I can't see very well with my glasses). And I want to take up Nordic Walking again.
Unfortunately I'm sure I'll also develop new bad habits. Read more on this article...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Pull yourself together 'cos you know you should do better
Recently I've been thinking. About identity, and changing yourself for the sake of others.
I know, I know. It's "philosphically incorrect" to do that. "Be yourself", they say, "faking won't make you happy", they say. But what if no one likes you the way you are? "There is someone somewhere that will like you." Yeah? Well, I am right here, right now, and I am lonely. That maybe somewhere in the world there is someone who might like me or maybe I will meet someone like that sometime does not help me now.
Of course there are people who like me.
I've been told people at work like me. That's not the like I mean. We get along ok. But they won't miss me when I'm gone. They won't think of me. They don't want to share their life with me.
There's internet acquaintances who say they like me. I believe them, and I like them, too. I do consider them friends, in a way. But still - something is missing.
Then there's my family. Yes, they love me. They often miss me. But... that's not enough. I want someone to love me who does not know me from an age where I couldn't go to the toilet alone.
I am following tinybuddha on Twitter. Recently there have been two posts that are connected with what's going on in my mind at the moment.
"How to deal with negative people" I retweeted this, but I didn't dare to add that people knowing me might need it. Yes, I am negative. And I know I shouldn't be. People don't like people like that. But it's really hard to be different; in a way that's just how I am. It's how I see things. I admit I don't think I could be able to constantly filter what I'm saying and check it for negativity and think how people would react to it. In a way it wouldn't feel right either. It wouldn't be genuine. Could anyone really be my friend who only knows what passed my internal "don't say something negative" censorship? And what would there be left to say? Would there be anything left to say? I mean, I guess that it's not be too bad, talking less and listening more, but I do want to tell a bit about myself, too. What to answer if they ask how I am doing or how my day was? But still I want to try to better myself, a little at least, as much as I feel comfortable with.
"There's nothing wrong with you." I don't really think I'm an awful person. I think I'm good, mostly. But I have found that that's not enough. I have been more or less independent from peer groups all my life. I'm sure most people will find that something positive, and I thought so myself for a long time, maybe in a way I'm still thinking like that. But where has it brought me to? I'm living alone in a place where I have no friends. There are many days, when I'm off work, that I don't see anyone (and with anyone I mean anyone). There are some days, when I'm not working, the stores are closed and I'm not talking on the phone with my mum, that I don't utter a single word.
I am suffering. I don't like my life like that. I want to change. Though a part of me thinks that I'm generally a good person, I also think that there's something wrong with me. Otherwise I would not be in this situation. There are uglier people than me being loved, and hell, even Hitler found someone to marry. There's got to be something... Even though I am alright for myself, I am not all right for others, and that again is making me feel bad.
But I don't know what to do. I don't know what the problem is. Not exactly. Is it only my negativity? Is there something else? And can I change it? (Unfortunately I have a terrible lack of self-discipline.)
I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless.
And I wonder: would I be different if someone loved me? If I got a hug now and then, if someone adored me, if I got some love & affection. Would my life be better? Would I be more positive? Would other people also like me more? Would I be a better person?
It sounds like a vicious circle.
This blog post's title is taken from "Spread Your Wings" by Queen. Read more on this article...
I know, I know. It's "philosphically incorrect" to do that. "Be yourself", they say, "faking won't make you happy", they say. But what if no one likes you the way you are? "There is someone somewhere that will like you." Yeah? Well, I am right here, right now, and I am lonely. That maybe somewhere in the world there is someone who might like me or maybe I will meet someone like that sometime does not help me now.
Of course there are people who like me.
I've been told people at work like me. That's not the like I mean. We get along ok. But they won't miss me when I'm gone. They won't think of me. They don't want to share their life with me.
There's internet acquaintances who say they like me. I believe them, and I like them, too. I do consider them friends, in a way. But still - something is missing.
Then there's my family. Yes, they love me. They often miss me. But... that's not enough. I want someone to love me who does not know me from an age where I couldn't go to the toilet alone.
I am following tinybuddha on Twitter. Recently there have been two posts that are connected with what's going on in my mind at the moment.
"How to deal with negative people" I retweeted this, but I didn't dare to add that people knowing me might need it. Yes, I am negative. And I know I shouldn't be. People don't like people like that. But it's really hard to be different; in a way that's just how I am. It's how I see things. I admit I don't think I could be able to constantly filter what I'm saying and check it for negativity and think how people would react to it. In a way it wouldn't feel right either. It wouldn't be genuine. Could anyone really be my friend who only knows what passed my internal "don't say something negative" censorship? And what would there be left to say? Would there be anything left to say? I mean, I guess that it's not be too bad, talking less and listening more, but I do want to tell a bit about myself, too. What to answer if they ask how I am doing or how my day was? But still I want to try to better myself, a little at least, as much as I feel comfortable with.
"There's nothing wrong with you." I don't really think I'm an awful person. I think I'm good, mostly. But I have found that that's not enough. I have been more or less independent from peer groups all my life. I'm sure most people will find that something positive, and I thought so myself for a long time, maybe in a way I'm still thinking like that. But where has it brought me to? I'm living alone in a place where I have no friends. There are many days, when I'm off work, that I don't see anyone (and with anyone I mean anyone). There are some days, when I'm not working, the stores are closed and I'm not talking on the phone with my mum, that I don't utter a single word.
I am suffering. I don't like my life like that. I want to change. Though a part of me thinks that I'm generally a good person, I also think that there's something wrong with me. Otherwise I would not be in this situation. There are uglier people than me being loved, and hell, even Hitler found someone to marry. There's got to be something... Even though I am alright for myself, I am not all right for others, and that again is making me feel bad.
But I don't know what to do. I don't know what the problem is. Not exactly. Is it only my negativity? Is there something else? And can I change it? (Unfortunately I have a terrible lack of self-discipline.)
I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless.
And I wonder: would I be different if someone loved me? If I got a hug now and then, if someone adored me, if I got some love & affection. Would my life be better? Would I be more positive? Would other people also like me more? Would I be a better person?
It sounds like a vicious circle.
This blog post's title is taken from "Spread Your Wings" by Queen. Read more on this article...
Friday, May 14, 2010
So uncute?
I thought about maybe starting to post some reviews of mangas or animes here.
I'm not a big expert on the scene, but there's a few gems I think I found.
My first contact with anime was back many years. I was in a depressive phase. I was living with my parents, hanging around all day, not doing much, not wanting to do much. By chance I watched the children's program one afternoon and they were just giving an insight into one specific anime they show. I thought it was a bit weird, a guy turning into a girl when splashed with cold water, others turning into animals. But then I saw this episode with that poor little black piglet getting lost in China. And I laughed as much as I haven't laughed in a long, long time. I was hooked and though I didn't manage to bring myself to do much, I was in front of the TV every day to watch Ranma 1/2. My parents thought it was weird that I was watching "that children stuff", but I guess they saw how much joy it gave me and they let me.
To this day I have not yet managed to watch all Ranma episodes or collect all books.
I was curious and I looked for others series I might like. None of my friends was reading manga or watching anime, so it wasn't easy getting recommendations. The choice is huge, which makes choosing a lot more difficult.
I was lucky that one of the first josei mangas I came across was a really good one, Tramps Like Us.
Josei is mangas aimed at adult women. I guess that can include very many themes, from business woman Slice of Life to yaoi (gay porn), but what it normally doesn't include is high school girls getting their first kiss or turning into magic super heros.
As I said, my search was very much trial and error and I want to try to share some trial with whoever is reading this. Read more on this article...
I'm not a big expert on the scene, but there's a few gems I think I found.
My first contact with anime was back many years. I was in a depressive phase. I was living with my parents, hanging around all day, not doing much, not wanting to do much. By chance I watched the children's program one afternoon and they were just giving an insight into one specific anime they show. I thought it was a bit weird, a guy turning into a girl when splashed with cold water, others turning into animals. But then I saw this episode with that poor little black piglet getting lost in China. And I laughed as much as I haven't laughed in a long, long time. I was hooked and though I didn't manage to bring myself to do much, I was in front of the TV every day to watch Ranma 1/2. My parents thought it was weird that I was watching "that children stuff", but I guess they saw how much joy it gave me and they let me.
To this day I have not yet managed to watch all Ranma episodes or collect all books.
I was curious and I looked for others series I might like. None of my friends was reading manga or watching anime, so it wasn't easy getting recommendations. The choice is huge, which makes choosing a lot more difficult.
I was lucky that one of the first josei mangas I came across was a really good one, Tramps Like Us.
Josei is mangas aimed at adult women. I guess that can include very many themes, from business woman Slice of Life to yaoi (gay porn), but what it normally doesn't include is high school girls getting their first kiss or turning into magic super heros.
As I said, my search was very much trial and error and I want to try to share some trial with whoever is reading this. Read more on this article...
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