"How to be alone"?

I saw this video in a forum:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs
Somehow they always forget to mention the other side. The awkward waiting at the table in a restaurant until your food is served, when everyone thinks you have been ditched. Or the time until the movie starts when around you people are talking, laughing and having fun with each other and you just stare at the empty screen, hoping the commercials start soon. Or the super cheap menues, that are way too much for one person alone. And they way you walk through strange cities and discover nice little things, but there's no one you point them out to or tell about it. And all the "buy one, get one free" stuff, the vouchers that give you one free entry into a museum when you pay one full entry, the "two for the price of one" drinks, etc.
Being alone isn't all terrible, but it isn't all fun and sunshine either.

I have been alone to the cinema, to the fair, to christmas markets, to concerts, to restaurants, to musicals, to theme parks, to pubs, to festivals, to holidays. I have been alone on New Year's Eve.
And there was always at least one moment when I felt lonely, when I wished for someone else to be there with me.

For the past years I have done pretty much everything alone. With the exception for when I visit my parents I live my life alone. Every day.

Tonight again.
But what choice do I have? Read more on this article...

Can anybody find me somebody...?

Once more I'm in thoughts about myself, my identity and the social world around me.

I'm going to tell a little secret: I do have a minor crush on some celebrity (if he's famous enough to be called that).
I should be too old for something like this, too mature. I am not sure what it is about him, he's not some unearthly beauty. I am not even sure if there is a sexual component to it. I like the way he moves (alright, maybe there is something slightly sexual in that). And I really like his style. It's nothing fancy. But when I look around, there don't seem to be a lot of people like that.
I have met him twice now, and he's a very friendly and likeable person. Of course this crush is going nowhere, not only, but also because he's taken.
The point of me telling this? I caught myself thinking: "I wish there was someone like this in my life".

There's those moments when I feel like I'm not the only one of a kind.
When I met Michael, my favourite colleague at my old job, maybe I felt some similarity there, too. He liked Black Books, and he knew who Bright Eyes was. But we never got close, not even as friends.
I've watched a DVD by My Chemical Romance and saw the singer wave around a replica of Sting.

If three guys of that kind exist, there surely must be more?


When I think of someone, a possible friend, I only ever think of guys. Why?
I'm not sure. I just generally prefer the company of men. Though of course the possibility of sexual and romantic tension poses a risk. But maybe also my longing for some sexual and/or romantic relationship mixes in with it. I'm not sure. It's as it is.

I am aware that at my age the chance that a guy I like is already in a relationship is very high. If he is, friendship will be difficult. Even if he's not, I don't think there's much chance of him being interested in me, even less in a non-platonic way.
But I feel so lost and lonely. Just a casual friendship would be an improvement.

If not somebody to love then someone to talk to who understands. Someone who gets my jokes. Someone to go to concerts with.
Just somebody.


This blog post's title is taken from "Somebody to Love" by Queen. Read more on this article...

Pull yourself together 'cos you know you should do better

Recently I've been thinking. About identity, and changing yourself for the sake of others.
I know, I know. It's "philosphically incorrect" to do that. "Be yourself", they say, "faking won't make you happy", they say. But what if no one likes you the way you are? "There is someone somewhere that will like you." Yeah? Well, I am right here, right now, and I am lonely. That maybe somewhere in the world there is someone who might like me or maybe I will meet someone like that sometime does not help me now.

Of course there are people who like me.
I've been told people at work like me. That's not the like I mean. We get along ok. But they won't miss me when I'm gone. They won't think of me. They don't want to share their life with me.
There's internet acquaintances who say they like me. I believe them, and I like them, too. I do consider them friends, in a way. But still - something is missing.
Then there's my family. Yes, they love me. They often miss me. But... that's not enough. I want someone to love me who does not know me from an age where I couldn't go to the toilet alone.

I am following tinybuddha on Twitter. Recently there have been two posts that are connected with what's going on in my mind at the moment.
"How to deal with negative people" I retweeted this, but I didn't dare to add that people knowing me might need it. Yes, I am negative. And I know I shouldn't be. People don't like people like that. But it's really hard to be different; in a way that's just how I am. It's how I see things. I admit I don't think I could be able to constantly filter what I'm saying and check it for negativity and think how people would react to it. In a way it wouldn't feel right either. It wouldn't be genuine. Could anyone really be my friend who only knows what passed my internal "don't say something negative" censorship? And what would there be left to say? Would there be anything left to say? I mean, I guess that it's not be too bad, talking less and listening more, but I do want to tell a bit about myself, too. What to answer if they ask how I am doing or how my day was? But still I want to try to better myself, a little at least, as much as I feel comfortable with.
"There's nothing wrong with you." I don't really think I'm an awful person. I think I'm good, mostly. But I have found that that's not enough. I have been more or less independent from peer groups all my life. I'm sure most people will find that something positive, and I thought so myself for a long time, maybe in a way I'm still thinking like that. But where has it brought me to? I'm living alone in a place where I have no friends. There are many days, when I'm off work, that I don't see anyone (and with anyone I mean anyone). There are some days, when I'm not working, the stores are closed and I'm not talking on the phone with my mum, that I don't utter a single word.

I am suffering. I don't like my life like that. I want to change. Though a part of me thinks that I'm generally a good person, I also think that there's something wrong with me. Otherwise I would not be in this situation. There are uglier people than me being loved, and hell, even Hitler found someone to marry. There's got to be something... Even though I am alright for myself, I am not all right for others, and that again is making me feel bad.
But I don't know what to do. I don't know what the problem is. Not exactly. Is it only my negativity? Is there something else? And can I change it? (Unfortunately I have a terrible lack of self-discipline.)
I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless.

And I wonder: would I be different if someone loved me? If I got a hug now and then, if someone adored me, if I got some love & affection. Would my life be better? Would I be more positive? Would other people also like me more? Would I be a better person?
It sounds like a vicious circle.

This blog post's title is taken from "Spread Your Wings" by Queen. Read more on this article...

Great Expectations

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I'm a massive, massive tool.

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Broken Toy

It was never planned. Never intended. Never even thought of.

I listened to him. Like I listen to many. I like to think I help them. They talk to me, they tell. I try to help, over the distance.
I don’t know what it was that made him a bit different. Maybe he has a way with words. Maybe…no, I don’t know. I still don’t understand.

I'm not sure how it happened. Just one day, suddenly, it went from the harmless, common virtual kisses and hugs to...more intimate things.
It is hard to describe. There's no way to make someone understand, I guess. It will always just sound incredibly stupid. So I'll just say that it was more intense than I thought it could be.

He’s young, very young. Maybe even not quite legal yet. The age when they're eager, always horny, a bit bad-tempered, wild, full of energy, easy to excite, in the middle of the process of growing up and of discovering sexuality.
I tried to teach him a bit.

We knew it was madness. Amour Fou if there ever was one. We never dreamed of a relationship. Our dream was a weekend in a hotel room.
Fou – mad indeed. He disappeared for months and I was worried senseless. Tried every means of contact. Later when I was so close to him on a holiday, hoping to meet, my madness got too obsessive and very nearly turned me into a stalker.

He keeps doing that: Leaving and then coming back. He never expects anything when coming back but always gets it.
It leaves me puzzled. I’m defenseless with him. He can hurt me in an instant without intent, and turn me into a crying heartbroken girl.
I lose all reason. I lose all strength.

I used to call him my toy boy. But it’s not true. In this relationship, despite the age difference, he’s the one being reasonable. I guess it’s more me, the one being a toy. But not quite.
I don’t have a word for this. I can’t explain.

I wish I could understand and I am often wondering about it: how could this happen? There is no physical presence messing with my mind. How is this possible? What is it about him?
Whenever I tell others about him they see it: he’s an ass. He would most probably be the very first one to say so. So why do I like him? Still do, after he hurt me so many times. I guess I couldn’t just make it stop even if I knew.
But it bugs me that I completely do not understand it.

Any way.
I lost him. Read more on this article...

Mental Emetics

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