worrywart

It's christmas holidays, I have a quite a few days off work and I should be happy and relax.

But I'm not relaxed at all. I'm note even able to think of a good title.
The reason is that from tomorrow on I'll be owning an apartment. Sounds rather joyous, but I'm worried.
The thing is, my parents own this apartement and it's not yet completely paid for. So I'll not only be taking over the apartement, but also the debts. If I don't take it, my parents will eventually have to sell and move out. It's all very complicated, together with the rights for my brother a right of abode for my parents and all. The debts are in several building loan contracts, which I want to end because it amounts to quite a lot per month. At the moment credit is cheap, so I want to take a new credit and use it to pay off all the building loan contracts. I'll not be able to live there, because I work in another town (which means I'll have to pay rent anyway).

I see this as a retirement arrangement. Investing in residential property is a good thing at the moment, everyone says. And I want to keep the apartement in the family, it's where I grew up, I love this place. It's a good time to take a credit, everyone says. It is not that much money, and I know that pretty much everyone who buys or build a house will be in debt. I know all this. I know it is probably overall a good idea.

But it is a risk.
I've never been in debt before. And it'll take about 20 years to pay it off.
What if we do something wrong with the contract? What if I don't get a better credit? What if something happens to someone in my family? Will I be able to support my brother with some money like I used to?

I'm a procrastinator so I'm a little late about arranging the credit. I feel bad about this, but there's nothing I can do now. I feel like I have to do more research, gather more information. At the same time I really hate this issue. I want to relax, too. I feel like I really need to. I try not to brood over it too much, I have to be able to sleep at night, but at the same time I feel like I should think about it more.
I'm so glad once all this is over and decided. But I'm afraid it'll take some time with the credit.

So from tomorrow on, I'll own an apartement. And I'll have a debt of several thens of thousands of euro.
I hope I'll be able to sleep. Read more on this article...

red-golden leaves

I just came back from an afternoon walk. It's a nice autumn day, actually quite warm for November. The sun makes the trees glow in red-golden colours. Beautiful.

I like going for walks because it soothes the mind. You're not doing anything else, you're not going anywhere.
You're not on your bike to reach some point, you're not running to train your body, you're not walking your dog - you're just enjoying the surroundings, smelling the nature and listening to all the different sounds around you. And maybe talking to someone, if you're not alone.

I thought that I should really do this more often.
I'm usually spending my weekends at home because there's so much to do. During the week I don't sleep enough and I'm commuting, so I'm gone from home for at least 12 hours a day. I don't get anything done during the week, except for doing the laundry once in a while. So I have to get things done on the weekend. I have to do the grocery shopping for the next week, clean and do all the things that need to be done. And catch up on sleep.

Sometimes I'm wondering whether I could do some volunteering work. When I'm especially pissed off with society I think of going into politics. Or maybe join an environmental NGO.
But then I realize that I don't have the energy to do that. I'm still not sure why I feel like I lack energy. I'm taking vitamin B12 now and my iron level should be ok. I'm aware that clinical depression is looming and threatening, but as long as it's not acute I should not be this affected.

But I'll try to go for a walk on the weekend more often. Read more on this article...

writing ideas that never go anywhere

Recently on a sunday morning I've been lying in bed and suddenly these two characters came into my head. Since I've found some beautiful pictures on Pinterest, I've been interested in danmei (Chinese version of yaoi apparently) and wuxia (martial arts/fantasy hero stories). Well, out of that, half asleep, Han and Li were created. Those are just "working names" right now, actually they resemble the names of two co-workers which inspired their characters. Another inspiration are Shūei Ran and Kōyū Ri of Saiunkoku Monogatari. I made up the story of how Han and Li became lovers - and later that day forgot most of it.

I'm still keeping those two in mind and working on it (often as a distraction when I get depressed about my current work situation) - though most probably there will never be a story. I'm not good at stories. I can make up characters and individual scenes, but I can never think of a proper plot.

It's a bit of a shame, really. While cleaning up my parents cellar recently and sorting through my old stuff I found a folder full of material about the U.S.S. Phoenix: I made up a Starfleet ship, with the whole bridge crew, their backstories and even drawings. But I never could think of a good story, so that went nowhere.

This song kind of represents the atmosphere I'm having in mind for Han and Li:

(Love this song, but unfortunately it's not available as a download in Germany. It's the ending of the anime Uragiri wa Boku no Namae wo Shitteiru.) Read more on this article...

What it all comes down to is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet.

I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid.
I'm tired but I'm working.
I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone.

Alanis Morissette - Hand In My Pocket Read more on this article...

Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain

I feel so tired. Both physically and mentally.

Alright, I've been off work for more than a week because I caught a cold. So it's not too surprising to feel exhausted. But I've been sleeping a lot and did nothing much, but I still feel tired.
And while it's especially bad at the moment, it's been like this for a long time. I've felt like I lack energy for many years now, sometimes more, sometimes less. Some time ago I had myself thoroughly checked through, cardiogram, allergies, and everything. Back then they found that my lung only has about two thirds the usual capacity. But the doctor said as long as I didn't feel a sudden drop it most probably is natural/congenital. I usually don't notice it in everyday life, except in yoga classes during deep-breathing exercises.
I take meds for Hypothyroidism, my iron and vitamin levels should be ok, too. I'm thinking of countermeasures to my slight dust mite allergy next.

Sometimes I really feel desperate. At times I decided that this is just how I am and I should accept it. But life makes it difficult. I get nothing done. Even when I try to take little steps at a time... it doesn't work. I'm procrastinating, yes, but my low energy level play into this, too. During the week, now that I have to commute so much, I don't get anything done. Especially things that take more time or concentration - no chance. And then on the weekends I plan to do at least a little bit more, but I also sleep a lot. On Saturdays I do the shopping and after heaving all the thing to the top floor, I'm exhausted for the rest of the day. On Sundays I do some cleaning up, but just the bare minimum, not as much as I actually need to do. So my flat is a mess right now and it's annoying me and so many things need to be done, but I just can't bring myself to do them.

I also spend a lot of time on the weekend, surfing the internet, watching shows, reading books. In a way I feel guilty about it (when so much housework is left undone), but I also feel like I need it. during the week there is also hardly time for anything but work and commute, just checking the new mails and new messages on Twitter and Pinterest. I don't dare to start reading a good book or watch an hour long episode of something, because I'm afraid it will cost me too much sleep. I'm more of a night owl and getting to bed in time is difficult enough.

But I like to read or watch anime or Asian drama series or something like that. It's fun, it makes me happy. It takes me away from this world. Yes, I like escaping reality.
I'm tired of this world. There doesn't seem to be much good left. The world is going down the drain. All efforts to stop climate change is jeopardized. The U.S. is doing whatever they find in their best interest, no matter whether others suffer or rights are disregarded and they will answer to no court - it's like a new global dictatorship. There is no gender equality and sometimes I think most people don't want it. I feel like it actually got worse after the 80s and 90s. Same goes for homosexuals and everyone else who isn't acting like they are expected to. And I feel helpless about all that. Sometimes I feel like I should do something, get involved; but then I think of how I can't even manage tidy up my home.
Then there's me and my family. I'm working in a field where I never wanted to end up. I earn good money (though I'm not rich), but it's not where I want to work for the rest of my life. I don't like the company I'm working at the moment. Yes, I just changed jobs, and the work is alright and the co-workers are alright, but the company itself is... not likable. I don't like the conditions of work, it's all so old-fashioned. Considering the lack of energy, I'm afraid I have to give up on ever re-doing my Master of Science degree. I tried to change fields of work last time and it didn't work. My older brother still didn't finish studying and he's thinking about giving up and working as a guitar teacher. He's already rather old to start a professional life, but we always hoped that as engineers are really wanted, it would work out anyway. I'm afraid work as a music teacher (untrained) is very unstable and won't make a lot of money. My parents are still living beyond their means, even though my father is now retired and they have less money. My mum isn't completely healthy and suffers from having to work even part-time. I feel like I have to go on and earn well, so I can support them. I can't become a Hikikomori, even if I feel like it. I'm afraid of what would happen if I couldn't go on working like this. For example if my depression came back full force...

I'm really afraid of already being in another phase of depression. I've been clinically depressed before and took meds and because of it, I couldn't finish my Master of Science degree. I can't afford not to function at the moment. So I just have to go on somehow. Even though I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow, I'll just set the alarm to 6 AM, get up and get through the day somehow.
I'm not suicidal. I couldn't do this to my parents. And there's good music yet to come and so many books left to read and the next Hobbit movies...
Read more on this article...

Remember Koom Valley!

So, at the moment I'm re-reading Thief of Time by Terry Pratchett. And just somewhere in there, easy to overlook, I found this one little annotation.
It's about history and about the battle of Koom Valley. The Discworld Wiki says about that battle:

“Remember Koom Valley!” Hundreds of years ago, the trolls and the dwarfs met in a battle at Koom Valley. It was a remarkable battle in that each side ambushed the other and, of course, in being the historical event symbolizing the enmity between trolls and dwarfs. Nowadays, dwarfs celebrate the Battle of Koom Valley Day, on the same day that trolls celebrate Troll New Year. Sometimes, in a city where both dwarfs and trolls live (e.g. Ankh-Morpork), the two groups are careful enough to plan their celebratory marches so that they are coincidentally on the same street (see Men at Arms).

And here's the annotation (Thief of Time, p. 215):

Every society needs a cry like that, but only in a very few do they come out with the complete, unvarnished version, which is 'Remember-the-Atrocity-Committed-Against-Us-Last-Time-That-Will-Excuse-the-Atrocity-That-We're-About-to-Commit-Today! And So On! Hurrah!'

By the way, the book was released in 2001. I couldn't find any exact date, but Terry Pratchett must have been done writing before September of that year. Read more on this article...

Magazine for Freaks

I recently thought that it would be nice to have a magazine that is made for people like me.
Sure there are magazines for themes like tattoos, classic rock, metal, anime, etc. But they're too focused on one thing. It should be more diverse like the common women's magazine.

For example there could be editorial about steampunk fashion, recipes for singles, Goth make-up tutorials, video game reviews, anime convention reports, portraits of classic rock musicians...

Any ideas for other things that could be featured? Read more on this article...

Yammer

So Janne, wonderful soul that he is, invited me to be a contributor this blog. I love blogging rather much. I have three of my own and I now have this one. So hopefully I can come up with something interesting to write about.

Later.

I'll just introduce myself right now. I'm Erica. I'm 22, American, of German/Italian decent, college chick, and I'm a professional ecdysiast. I grew up pretty rough but I think I turned out okay. I love music, mostly music I grew up with, namely Korn, Nine Inch Nails, Ausioslave, Soundgarden, and Alice in Chains (I love AIC intensely, almost sexually, lol). I have some love for current music, like Paramore, Rise Against, and Porcelain and the Tramps. I like pink, all shades.

Otherthan that I'm boring. Read more on this article...