A month passed

I feel the need to blog about my new job, having spend a month there. But honestly I'm not sure what to say? What is important about starting a new job?

Well, first of all I found that a big part of the team is rather new, as is the organization. Many processes are not efficient or not yet established. For someone new this is a little confusing, but maybe also a chance to shape things.
On the other hand there's a set of Web 2.0 tools that are implemented, a wiki, a company instant messenger, a company-wide social network, and there's going to be more. Unfortunately not a lot of people use them yet, but I'm positive it will get better. To me it shows that at least the IT and a few decision-makers are open minded, looking into the future and trying to adapt and change things.

I've had a hard time finding into my actual job. What do I do there? I'm still not completely sure. As I said, the team I'm in is new and so there's no very clear instruction. But I think I'm getting there, slowly.
My first project will be finishing another project from earlier this year. It proves to be rather tricky because no one really seems to know how it's working. It has been implemented by an external coworker.

My colleagues are nice. There's not a lot of distance to those in higher positions, it seems. This week I was at a conference in a really good hotel with a colleague. I think it shows respect of the people to really send the ones who will have to work with the product. A lot of companies only send managers to such events.
There doesn't seem to be much of a dress code either, which I admit surprised me a little. After all this is a retail company selling clothes and furniture. I mean it's not high class designer products, but not exactly cheap either.
Also I seem to be one of the oldest. It's kind of strange when I think about it: my team leader is 2 years younger than me, the departmement head a few years older and the division manager 10 years older. But since they have more experience and do a different job, in every day work it's not much of a problem.
I'm not sure whether there's potential friends among my colleagues. One actually freaks me out, he always seems to be smirking; I'm trying to ignore it, but it makes me uncomfortable. Amongst the others... it's hard to say. No one I'd spontaneously think as absolutely sympathetic. But it's only been a month. I do miss having someone like my favorite colleague at the old job, someone from another departement with who you can get together from time to time to talk and maybe vent a little.
The IT guys always walk past my desk, and there's one or two good looking ones. ;) But we weren't introduced (yet).

Well, that's it, that's the update after one month of work at the new job. Read more on this article...

What I'll miss

As much as I disliked the other town, there's some thing I will miss here.

Michael, my favourite colleague.
Of course there are nice people here, too, but I really got along very well with him. I trusted him. I could talk about all kind of things with him. He helped me a lot, probably more than he knows. He also had a way to calm me down when I needed it. He's a great guy.

My yoga teacher.
It's not easy finding the right teacher for you. She looked after everyone, so no one would do asanas that weren't good for them. And at the beginning of every course we'd talk a little about an aspect of yoga philosophy.

Living in the city centre.
It's very convenient to live close to all kinds of stores. To be able to go shopping for clothes on your way home instead on Saturdays in packed stores. Most of the street festivals and activities were close by, too.

Ready made fruits in single-friendly portions.
Like that one store always used to have. They also had a small salad buffet. Perfect for single life. Unfortunately I don't live close to one anymore.

Chocolate buns for breakfast.
Sometimes I can't eat much early in the morning, so it was perfect getting something to eat on the way to the bus, or eating it at work while all the programs were booting.


I guess this is a chance to get rid of some bad habits I developed and try to change some things. For example I'll try to wear contacts to work every day (I can't see very well with my glasses). And I want to take up Nordic Walking again.
Unfortunately I'm sure I'll also develop new bad habits. Read more on this article...

Pull yourself together 'cos you know you should do better

Recently I've been thinking. About identity, and changing yourself for the sake of others.
I know, I know. It's "philosphically incorrect" to do that. "Be yourself", they say, "faking won't make you happy", they say. But what if no one likes you the way you are? "There is someone somewhere that will like you." Yeah? Well, I am right here, right now, and I am lonely. That maybe somewhere in the world there is someone who might like me or maybe I will meet someone like that sometime does not help me now.

Of course there are people who like me.
I've been told people at work like me. That's not the like I mean. We get along ok. But they won't miss me when I'm gone. They won't think of me. They don't want to share their life with me.
There's internet acquaintances who say they like me. I believe them, and I like them, too. I do consider them friends, in a way. But still - something is missing.
Then there's my family. Yes, they love me. They often miss me. But... that's not enough. I want someone to love me who does not know me from an age where I couldn't go to the toilet alone.

I am following tinybuddha on Twitter. Recently there have been two posts that are connected with what's going on in my mind at the moment.
"How to deal with negative people" I retweeted this, but I didn't dare to add that people knowing me might need it. Yes, I am negative. And I know I shouldn't be. People don't like people like that. But it's really hard to be different; in a way that's just how I am. It's how I see things. I admit I don't think I could be able to constantly filter what I'm saying and check it for negativity and think how people would react to it. In a way it wouldn't feel right either. It wouldn't be genuine. Could anyone really be my friend who only knows what passed my internal "don't say something negative" censorship? And what would there be left to say? Would there be anything left to say? I mean, I guess that it's not be too bad, talking less and listening more, but I do want to tell a bit about myself, too. What to answer if they ask how I am doing or how my day was? But still I want to try to better myself, a little at least, as much as I feel comfortable with.
"There's nothing wrong with you." I don't really think I'm an awful person. I think I'm good, mostly. But I have found that that's not enough. I have been more or less independent from peer groups all my life. I'm sure most people will find that something positive, and I thought so myself for a long time, maybe in a way I'm still thinking like that. But where has it brought me to? I'm living alone in a place where I have no friends. There are many days, when I'm off work, that I don't see anyone (and with anyone I mean anyone). There are some days, when I'm not working, the stores are closed and I'm not talking on the phone with my mum, that I don't utter a single word.

I am suffering. I don't like my life like that. I want to change. Though a part of me thinks that I'm generally a good person, I also think that there's something wrong with me. Otherwise I would not be in this situation. There are uglier people than me being loved, and hell, even Hitler found someone to marry. There's got to be something... Even though I am alright for myself, I am not all right for others, and that again is making me feel bad.
But I don't know what to do. I don't know what the problem is. Not exactly. Is it only my negativity? Is there something else? And can I change it? (Unfortunately I have a terrible lack of self-discipline.)
I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless.

And I wonder: would I be different if someone loved me? If I got a hug now and then, if someone adored me, if I got some love & affection. Would my life be better? Would I be more positive? Would other people also like me more? Would I be a better person?
It sounds like a vicious circle.

This blog post's title is taken from "Spread Your Wings" by Queen. Read more on this article...

So uncute?

I thought about maybe starting to post some reviews of mangas or animes here.
I'm not a big expert on the scene, but there's a few gems I think I found.

My first contact with anime was back many years. I was in a depressive phase. I was living with my parents, hanging around all day, not doing much, not wanting to do much. By chance I watched the children's program one afternoon and they were just giving an insight into one specific anime they show. I thought it was a bit weird, a guy turning into a girl when splashed with cold water, others turning into animals. But then I saw this episode with that poor little black piglet getting lost in China. And I laughed as much as I haven't laughed in a long, long time. I was hooked and though I didn't manage to bring myself to do much, I was in front of the TV every day to watch Ranma 1/2. My parents thought it was weird that I was watching "that children stuff", but I guess they saw how much joy it gave me and they let me.
To this day I have not yet managed to watch all Ranma episodes or collect all books.

I was curious and I looked for others series I might like. None of my friends was reading manga or watching anime, so it wasn't easy getting recommendations. The choice is huge, which makes choosing a lot more difficult.
I was lucky that one of the first josei mangas I came across was a really good one, Tramps Like Us.
Josei is mangas aimed at adult women. I guess that can include very many themes, from business woman Slice of Life to yaoi (gay porn), but what it normally doesn't include is high school girls getting their first kiss or turning into magic super heros.

As I said, my search was very much trial and error and I want to try to share some trial with whoever is reading this. Read more on this article...

It's the season for the mad masquerade?

Violence bothers me.
Not all. I remember having watched Interview with the Vampire and being fine with a vampire being sliced into two pieces. Maybe because it's not humans. Maybe because it's just something that happens, not a vital part of the plot. But I also remember once watching Fisher's King and the scene where his wife is killed - I never, ever watched that movie again.

Violence didn't play a big part in my life. I was never raped, never beat up and no one close to me have been violently killed. So why do I have such a problem with it?
I tend to think it's empathy. I might have too much of it. Sometimes I feel like one of those telepaths in science fiction stories that have to shield their mind from the thoughts of others. I shield myself from violence. Because I know it will only hurt me.

I do not understand how violence can be entertaining. Celebrated even.
We are terrified at the idea of child soldiers in Africa - and then we watch a little girl kill and people are think it's great, just because it's in a movie? How can people turn off their brain and not realize that similar things happen in real life, to real people?
For most people it doesn't seem to be a problem. Horror movies are a very popular genre. A lot of people get into fights. A lot of people think that a guy who doesn't fight is a pussy. A lot of people think that violence is an acceptable way of solving things, and if someone does *insert.insult.or.offence* it's ok to "punch 'im".

I admit I'm having a hard time tolerating people like that. I try not to be disgusted. I tell myself they're normal people, nice people, some of them I consider friends.
Maybe it's like Yoda said: Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate. I am not angry, but I guess I am afraid. I'm afraid to be the victim of violence.
So perhaps I should learn some martial arts, become good in it, so I don't have to be afraid anymore? Maybe that would give me some peace of mind. But: why do I have to resort to violence (or at least the possibility of it) in order to prevent it?

This blog post's title is taken from "Put out the Fire" by Queen. Read more on this article...

Melting away the little town blues

Before I move and leave here, I'd like to see some more things in this area.
Some time ago on a weekend, the weather forecast was good and I decided that I'd pay Frankfurt a visit. It's about half an hour by train away.
A colleague of mine was so nice to send me a few recommendations, complete with links to Google maps. Also there was going to be a museum night that day.

Frankfurt really isn't that big, but it likes to act as if it was. It does have one of the biggest airports in Europe though and is the financial capital of Germany. It likes to call itself "Mainhattan" because of the skyscrapers, Main being the river running through it. Other than that I never considered it to be an attractive city (I also never heard anyone say that about it).
But it's certainly good enough for a half-day city trip.

I started out at Williy-Brandt-Platz where the European Central Bank is located.

From there I took the paths through a little park towards the old opera. The park provides a nice view, the trees mixing with the tall skyscrapers to each side, seatings here and there, and the occasional statue (like the one of the German poet Friedrich Schiller).

At the end of the park, on the right hand side is a a round tower with blue glass exterior called the Maintower. It has the only public viewing observatory in Frankfurt and it costs 5 € to get up there. I accidently got out of the lift too early (there's a restaurant there, too) and had to find my way up to the platform through several lift and stairs. I was rewarded with a great view over the city.

After that I went back down and toward the Old Opera. I always wanted to go there for a concert, but I'm afraid I won't make it anymore before I leave. It's a beautiful old building from 1880, but unfortunately it's currently being renovated.

Close to the Old Opera is the rather new Opernturm, another skyscraper with a bright stone façade. On ground level there's a store called ManuFactum. Their slogan is "They still exist, the good old things" and they sell... well, all kinds of things, from dinner mints and garden tools to perfume and waxed jackets. They also have a little snack bar attached where you can eat sandwiches (I would have liked one, but they were too expensive).

From Alte Oper I caught the subway to Merianplatz. My colleague recommended a stroll along Berger Strasse. When I got out I wasn't sure in which direction I should go, but I instinctively chose the right one. To each side of the road there are lots of fascinating little stores, selling design furniture, fancy ice cream or yoga equipment.
I got myself some ice cream and finally arrived at Bethmannpark. The park itself isn't anything special, but it contains the Garten des Himmlischen Friedens, a beautiful Chinese garden. As the weather was great of course there were a lot of people there, and I admit I wished I could enjoy the garden when it's a little more quiet. There were kids running around, and a woman explaining her listeners how the pavilion is charged with chi by a group practicing qigong in it, and on a fence sat a young man drawing the garden. For a moment I considered approaching him and inquiring about his art (I was curious to see the drawing, and yes he was kinda cute, too), but then decided not to interrupt.


From the garden I took the tram towards the Konstablerwache where the main shopping street called Zeil starts. It's a shopping street like every other, not particularly nice looking, but you can find all kinds of stores there of course. I was too tired to do a lot of shopping. But I got myself some cheap ballerinas because my feet were very tired and I needed a little change to the Chucks I was wearing.
What I wanted to see at the Zeil was the infamous new mall MyZeil. The stores are not interesting, although there's one of only four Hollister stores in Europe - you actually have to queue just to get in (I didn't)! The most fascinating and interesting thing about MyZeil is the architecture. In the front glass façade there's a big hole with a tunnel bending inwards. It is very hard to describe and nearly impossible to catch on photos, too.

After walking through the shopping street from one end to another, I needed a little break and thought about what to do next. As I said there was a museums night that night, but I was really tired and had a headache kicking in. I decided to take the subway to the Museumsufer where most of the museums are located along the bank of the river Main, stroll along the riverside to another place I wanted to see and then decide about what to do.

Arriving at the first museum made it clear that it would be packed with people and there'll be much standing in lines, so I decided it wasn't worth it to drag myself through this. Along the river banks were many people, families, lovers, groups of friends, having a picnic or just sitting around and enjoying the warm evening. I admit it made me feel a little lonely, but I tried to also enjoy the beautiful sunset nevertheless.
I finally arrived at the Gutleutviertel where there's an old harbour that was made into a modern residential area. It's nice there, reminded me a lot of Copenhagen actually.

There's another tower there, too, the Westhafen Tower, which is called "das Gerippte" by locals - after the traditional glas in which the local specialty Äppelwoi (apple wine, a kind of cider) is consumed.


From there I walked to the main station and took the train home. Read more on this article...

Leaving home ain't easy 2

On that Saturday I had to get up earlier than on work days.
I had three more flats to look at and then the plan was to buy a newspaper (since my free trial hadn't arrived yet) and make some calls.

The first flat had no kitchen and a boiler. Otherwise it was really good, enough room, nice surrounding area. I really thought about it.
I met my parents there and we went to the next viewing with the car.

The next one was amazing! It was in a great area, in the backyard in a little house. It had nice two rooms, a nice bath, a little terrace. The owners lived on the second floor, obviously wealthy people.
Unfortunately with 710€ per month it was a little above the limit I set myself. But it was tempting.
They wanted a self-disclosure containing questions about my occupation, musical isntruments I play, pets, warrants and refrences. Wow...

Third place was out of question. The current lodger was very open about that. Washing mashines were only in the cellar, and only two for the whole house. The kitchen and bathroom had no way for venting, it would all go into the living room.

After that my parents and me had a little break in a café and had some cake. We got a newspaper and I was calling all numbers that sounded promising. I managed to get three more viewings that day.

One of them was in a really promising surrounding. Very close to a concert venue and a park; I would have liked to live there. But the flat... It was underneath the roof again, had a boiler and gas heating in only one room and again no room for a washing mashine. It generally looked very old. I just didn't like it very much.

I already nearly gave up hope for the day. I was thinking that I either had to take the first one, or pay for the second one or go looking once more.

But the last flat we looked at was (nearly) perfect! Top floor, two rooms, nice bath, no boiler, a little balcony, storage room. It only has a kitchenette and there's no washing mashine in there now, but the owner said I could install one. The area is great, nice houses, shops close by and a bus stop in front of the door from which the bus takes 15 minutes to my future work place.
We were so happy to finally have found the right place. It turned out that the owner worked for the company I'll be working for for 30 years. He said I should sleep one more night and then say whether I want it, but I was already sure.

So on Sunday I called and went there once more the next week to sign the contract.
I tried to be happy but I still worried about the kitchen and the washing mashine. When I was there it turned out that I probably have to buy half of the kitchen (sink, fridge, etc.) but I can take the rest of what is there for 1000€, including a microwave and an exhaust hood. I have no idea what these things cost, so I said ok.
I was feeling somewhat down on the way home. I was worried about the kitchen and the washing mashine and the fact that I have to live there at least 2 years (it's in the contract). My parents calmed me down a bit. I probably would have had to buy a kitchen anyway.

The balcony:

The kitchenette as it looks now:


I am sure this will be a nice place to live and I'll be happy there. But I'm not really happy yet. There's still a lot of organizing to do, getting a kitchen, moving the stuff, installing the washing mashine. *sigh*
I'm looking forward to the time when all this is over and settled with. I didn't quite think that moving was such a big deal, it somehow wasn't when I last moved (we were really, really lucky with this flat I think). Good thing I didn't know that before I chose to change jobs, I might not have done it. Read more on this article...