Leaving home ain't easy 1

It really isn't easy.

First of all I ordered a free trial of the local newspaper and did some research on the internet. I also put an ad myself in the newspaper.
So after using my cell phones as much as never before, I had three flats to visit on a Wednesday afternoon. I left directly from work, the train takes about 1,5 hours.

The first flat I looked at was nice. The house was build in the same way as the house my parents live in. But it was way too small, I had overlooked that the ad said it only has 32 square metres.
The second one was nice, too. The busline to work was close by. It was, well, generally really nice. But somehow... Maybe it was the way the prospective landlord (living in the same house underneath) kept asking me whether I can clean up. Maybe the very boring, middle-class surrounding. It just didn't feel quite right.
The last one was really pretty. Very nice surroundings, tram stop right in front. A maisonette top floor flat with two really nice rooms. But the kitchen and bath were very small and I couldn't have taken my washing machine with me, but would have had to walk down into the cellar every time to do the laundry and pay extra for it.
I got home sometime after 10 PM that day without having seen a good place. I felt slightly panicky. I felt like I should have taken the second one - after all there was no rational reason why I shouldn't.

What I hated about the whole ordeal is that you have to tell people asap whether you want it or not. After all you're merely one of a dozen interested parties.
But not only do I hate making decisions, but it's worse when you have to say no to one thing with nothing but the hope to find something better. I just don't feel comfortable in such situations.

I was really tired, but did not have much time to rest: on Saturday I would have another tour of looking at flats, this time with my parents supporting me. Read more on this article...

How can we sleep while our beds are burning?

The situation at work is really bad at the moment. Two colleagues were ill last week. The errors just kept coming and getting worse. It was like as soon as you managed to somewhat deal with one thing, another thing came up.
We were doing fixes of live errors on the website nearly every day. Last Wednesday colleagues stayed until late at night to work, one past midnight.

We are a rather small team and lost a lot of members and with them knowledge in the past months. We are overworked and there is neither the will nor the time to document things. So maybe one colleague knows how to do something, but if he's not there no one does. None of us has a good general overview of the systems.
We have no successor for the colleague who quit recently, neither for me who'll be leaving in May.

We can hardly manage the everyday maintenance business for the two webshops and the small change requests. At the same time at least three projects are already running, more are in the waiting line.
And then they want to open two new shops, one this year within one website, the other one in January next year on a completely different system. It feels like a bad joke.

We are badly over worked. We have been nearly constantly doing overtime for months now.
And it all just seems to get worse. And when you thought it's already worst, it gets still worse. It feels like Kobayashi Maru. There seems no way out.
People are getting sick from the stress.

Still our department gets the blame for all the things that go wrong.
It is not our fault. We are working hard (and for not much pay). We are doing our best.
The company has no way to deal with the fluctuation of employees, no culture of knowledge management and it was a strategic decision to increase the manpower in e-commerce for project management and conceptional design, but not in the IT for actually coding these things.

The colleagues in e-commerce can see that. Some at least. One put it like this: we are wondering what new wallpaper to put up while the house is burning.

It can't go on like that.
We wonder whether no one else sees that. Where are our team leaders, our management? Can't they see?
We have told them. We got a little louder last Friday. Something has to change! Soon.
They say they can't find suitable successors. They say the team can't take more external consoultants. They say they can't (or don't want to) cancel projects.

We are standing in front of a boiler that is about to burst, we desperately need to reduce pressure. But what are we doing? Standing there and going "well, we can't do this, we can't do that, and we can't do this one either and there's nothing else we could do". But we need to do something or else there's going to be an explosion.

If I wouldn't have already quit, I would now.

I'm waiting to see what will happen next week. Will something be decided? Will something change?
If not we'll have to think about what to do. I know I am leaving this team soon, but at the moment I am still part of it. Maybe we will have to ask the workers' council for help. Read more on this article...

A theory: life in slices

I've come to think that life is divided up into different parts, sections.
Their influence on your life varies greatly in different stages of life.
They need different skills to handle.
And if there's a disbalance, if one part has a bigger or smaller relevance than it should have in the phase of life you're in, it will make you unhappy.

Those sections are family, school & university, friends, work life, romance & sexuality, health, finance. There's probably more.
There's a time in life when work life doesn't play a big role. You might have a summer job, but it's not "the real thing" yet and you'll have a hard time to imagine how it feels. When you're very young romance and sex are not important - and for those on who it's pushed anyway it will be a burden for their whole life.
As for the skills... I haven't thought about that one too much yet. You need self discipline in the health part, I guess. Logic would be a help in dealing with the financial aspects. I think there's many virtues that will help you in more than one. Empathy, patience, impartiality for example.


My current life lacks the parts friends and romance & sexuality almost completely. I am not sure how it came about, it seems like it just happened. I guess my depression had to do with it, it had an effect on many aspects of my life and I guess never regained those two.
I might lack the skills that are needed in dealing with all this - I certainly seem to lack the skills to built up those kind of relationships. I would like to learn and grow.
There is a disbalance in my life. This is not how it should be. And I suffer. Read more on this article...

"I quit."

Monday I did nothing yet. I was terribly nervous about what I had to do. It was worse than the actual job interview. I had my yoga course in the evening, that calmed me down a bit.

On the next day the first thing I did was drop the contract for the new job in the mail.
At work I broke the news to my team leader. That was hardest.
It's hard for our team to lose another one, I know that. In the past two years while I was working there, one after the other quit (for various reasons), each time it was connected with a loss of knowledge that made work harder for the remaining. Next month the only one left from the original team will go. We still have no one to fill in for him. And now me. I feel sorry for my colleagues, but I can't stay just because of that.
After talking to my team leader we went straight to the department manager. In the afternoon we broke the news to my team.
After that I met with my favourite colleague in the canteen and had a hot chocolate to relax a bit. It was good talking to him, though he knew about it since Monday. He always manages to calm me down and make me feel better, he helped me a lot through this. I'll miss him.

It felt surreal. I have been through this several times, but it was always other people quitting. This time it was me.
And even though I know I have another job waiting for me, it feels awkward.

On Wednesday morning I finally got to talk with the IT division manager and from that on it was official. My team leader wrote a mail to everyone in IT.

The written notice took a little longer though. I talked with the workers council to make sure I did everything right. They pointed out that things might be different because it might be a tranfer within the corporation. So there was another delay because I first had a talk with the HR department. Turned out that everything had to go its normal way, so I left the letter I had written before there.

The talks got easier and easier every time. Who would have thought that quitting your job included so much talking? I didn't have so many meetings within one week for months.

The only thing left to do in February was to cancel the tenancy. The problem is that I couldn't find my rental agreement. I went through all papers lying around (something that needed to be done badly), but no luck. In the end I just wrote a short letter, I guess it'll be alright.
I have to find the contract in the next months though, to make sure everything is alright when I hand over the keys.

Now I can relax a bit, all that had to be done within February to be able to start in the new job in June is done.
Now I have time to plan and organize. I got a notebook that I will divide into two parts: one for my old place, one for the new. There I'll note what needs to be done, who sends me post here, how much space my furniture needs, etc. Read more on this article...

A new hope

There will be a change, a new start.

On Friday I had a second job interview, they offered me the job. I took the contract home with me to read it, sign it and send it back.
It all went very fast and very good. "Too good to be true", a little suspicious voice inside me thinks.

Actually when I decided to start applying I planned to go abroad. I thought it was a good time, I have some work experience, no partner, no pets and I feel lonely and out of place where I live now anyway. I wanted to go to Ireland or UK.
A search didn't turn up a lot of suitable jobs though, it seemed that mostly companies seemed to look for more work experience.
Instead I found this company (belonging to the same corporation at the one I work for now) looking for a usability expert. I am none, but I 'd like to be, so I applied. Now they hired me for another job, process manager. A smaller step maybe, but non the less a step. A step away from programming and coding, towards more project management and conceptual work.
People seem to be really nice there. Apparently they liked my somewhat "freakish" personality.

This is my first time changing jobs. It's the first time quitting a job. It's the first time completely moving from one place to another.
The doubts and the worries are now kicking in.
What do I do next? When and how do I quit my job? How do I tell my team leader that he'll lose another employee when another one who'll quit isn't even replaced yet? Until when do I have to terminate the rental contract? How do I find a new place to live? How do I move? Do I have to renovate my old flat? How much will it all cost? Where to do I have to send notices of me moving? How will work feel after everyone knows I resigned from my job? How will the new job be? Will I be able to make friends? Will the work be good and interesting and will I be able to handle it all?
All these questions and more go through my head. I'm trying to calm down and think in little steps. What has to be done next? Read more on this article...

Blocked

I hate when that happens.
And it has happened to me several times. Not only on the internet I guess. But recently there. It's so much easier, I guess.

My first reaction normally is to worry. Has something happened to them (losing my first ex-bf didn't leave me unscarred)? Or are they just busy? After some time, in case they don't show up somewhere else, I'll do some research. Probably I'll find they're healthy.
So then it dawns on me: they ignored me.
Followed by all the questions. Why? Did I say someting wrong? Am I too "depressed", to pessimistic? Did they just get bored of me? Do they think I fell in love (it difficult sometimes, liking guys as friends)? Did they fall for me (discarded very soon, not logical)?
And I'm hurt. I get more obsessed with them than I'd usually be. It's both annoying and unlogical, but true: rejection makes me obsessed.
I'll miss talking to them; for very different reasons for each. Then I wonder what to do. To me online friends are friends. In a way I know they don't share this feeling, they never do; but I do think of myself as their friend. So just give up? I always plan to, I think to myself "let them go". But I can't. I have to try to get contact. Most likely I'll try more than once. And hate myself for it. I'm probably annoying them. Probably I'm making everything worse. But I just can't let go that easily.
I'll wonder for a very long time. I'll still think of them for a long time. I'll watch them from afar. I'll worry if they're not well, rejoice when they're happy. And wish I could take part a little more in their life. Sometimes things happen in my life, and I just wish I could tell them, share those experiences.

And you never get a reason. Not really, never. There's only silence.
I wonder if I could have changed, if I knew. Could I have explained? Would I have been forgiven?
I wish I would know why.
But then: wouldn't it have hurt more? I imagine it would at least have put an end to the questions.

The truth is, most probably I did the same to others. Maybe I should be more aware; to not act like this.

Those experiences made me insecure with those who are left. I am afraid to make a mistake. Sometimes when I feel like I have said something wrong, I feel really bad about it. For days. Anxious that they'll leave me, too. My name on one more block list.

One of those took me back, unblocked me. I'm thankful to have found forgiveness at least once. I appreciate this friendship. Read more on this article...

The grass on the other side

Work is tough recently. I'm accumulating overtime for weeks, for months now. There is always too much to do, and a project that's already weeks too late.
I have trouble getting up in the morning. I lack motivation. I am just tired. I can see no end. After work I'm tired, can hardly think straight (writing this blog entry isn't easy - I hope you excuse some faults that may have crept in), often I'm even too exhausted to talk with my mum on the phone. My holiday at the end of August seems so long away. And even thinking of of my holiday gives me stress, because I have nothing organized or planned yet. Weekends aren't relaxing because I have to do the housework that piled up during the week. I feel like heading towards a breakdown.
In short: it's no fun anymore.

I wonder why it's me having such trouble. Is it only me? Am I working more than others? Do I need more time because I'm less effective/good? Is my work-life balance off because I have no life? Do I simply have less energy, and if so then why?
I thought maybe I could do more, be more determined and committed if I was doing something I want to do. Coding never was something I wanted to do. I am not a programmer.

We had this workshop this week, with the e-commerce departement. Two other people who have studied the same as me, computer science in media, are working in that departement. Every one of us explained what we are doing. And sometimes I thought "well, that sounds really interesting, I'd like to do that".
The e-commerce departement is still looking for an information architect/usability specialist. I already was interested in the job during the internal advertisement. Now I'm again thinking about applying. There are several pros and cons of course.
Do I have the time, energy and motivation to really manage a good application? What if they decline, wouldn't that be embarrassing, wouldn't it affect my working environment badly? I am interested in the subject matter and it's what I'd like to do, but I have neither expert knowledge nor experience in that field. I do know our webshops very well though, after all I helped launching one of them. I like the team I'm working in right now, and I'm afraid the working environment in the other departement isn't quite as nice (for example I heard taking days off on overtime is hardly possible). I'd have a bad conscious leaving my team because I know how hard it is to find the right people and how much work lies on too few people. And actually I didn't want to stay too long in this dislikable city where I have no friends. I wanted to go abroad as long as I am (somewhat) young and have no ties here. But I have a quite safe job, in a mid-sized company that's part of a huge international corporate group.

So I'm afraid, regardless of how tired and exhausted as I am, I'll have to make a career decision soon.
Stay in a job with nice colleagues in a nice team, but do something I never really wanted to do long-term, and risking too become too specialized by staying too long. Or move on. And if I'm moving on, where to? Stay in the same city, the same company while trying to move into a field of work that I hopefully feel more comfortable in. Or look for a job within the corporate group? Or maybe try to get something abroad.

And while these thoughts are surely important now and will affect my future life greatly: they just add to the all the stress.
I just hope I somehow find the energy and the will to make it through.



"Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile still stays on." Read more on this article...