Everything Between Heaven and Hell

Goin' Back

2012-01-28T10:19:00.001-08:00

I think I'm going back
To the things I learnt so well in my youth.
I think I'm returning to
Those days when I was young enough to know the truth.

Now there are no games,
To only pass the time.
No more colouring books,
No Christmas bells to chime.
But thinking young and growing older is no sin.
And I can't play the game of life to win.

I can recall a time,
When I wasn't ashamed to reach out to a friend.
And now I think I've got
A lot more than just my toys to lend.

Now there's more to do
Than watch my sailboat glide.
And every day can be
My magic carpet ride.
And I can play hide and seek with my fears,
And live my days instead of counting my years.

Then everyone debates the true reality,
I'd rather see the world, the way it used to be.
A little bit of freedom's all we lack,
So catch me if you can, I'm going back.

I really like this song. Not only Freddie's voice and the music (I'm aware it's a cover).
Sometimes I wish I could revive those childhood days. There seemed to be no sorrows. When was the last time I played a game, just to pass the time? The last time I was drawing something? And wasn't it so much easier to say "do you want to be friends" back then? When is the last time I was running - just for fun? Sometimes I see a playground and I want to go there, climb on things, get on the swing (maybe I will some time when no one is around).
I think I really had a happy childhood and I'm grateful for that.

Winter Sleep

2012-01-28T07:32:00.000-08:00

For the last few months I find myself in a strange mood.

I like to sleep a lot. If I make myself some food, it's mainly soup. I want to cuddle up in fluffy blankets. My consumption of hot chocolate has peaked.
When I was at my parent's over my birthday and the holidays, I took a hot bath nearly every evening.
I've been reading a lot, real books again, not mangas. Fantasy. I re-read the Belgariad and started the Kingkiller Chronicle.

I also hate getting out of my comfort zone even more than usual.
For example I really would have loved to see The Answer together with The Union in London. It's not uncommom for me to travel to see a concert - after all I travelled to Berlin to see The Answer. And I love Great Britain. But for London I'd have to get on a plane. I've been flying a lot last year, but I dislike it. I hate the whole issue of packing liquids the right size, arriving early, the security checks, the flying. So I won't be going.

I really don't think it's a bad thing. Maybe it's just natural and I keep following my instincts. I just never noticed it like that.

josei manga short reviews: Hapi Mari, Hotaru no Hikari, Pink Lady

2011-12-27T08:13:00.000-08:00

Hapi Mari
A josei manga by Enjouji Maki.
Takanashi Chiwa never had a boyfriend and focuses on working hard to pay the debts of her father (mainly in order to keep the house). One day she's called to the new president (young and good-looking) of the company she's working for - and asked to marry him. There's something in it for both of them (she gets her debts paid and he can stay president of the family company), so she agrees. So far, so WTF.
Of course they don't get along at all at first and of course they fall in love with each other later on. He's the boss not only in work life, but also in their personal life and the virgin woman never really carries through with any of her efforts to get a little freedom on her own. He's violent, nearly raping her several times, but she always comes running back to him. They never talk much with each others, they sulk, and she's trying to be the good wife and no burden to her husband, crying and apologizing for everything even if he's being a huge asshole. Did I mention she's not the brightest? They're constantly fighting and hurting each other but of course they "love" each other.
Pretty much run-of-the-mill josei. The best character is his mother-substitute secretary.
So far there's 27 chapters, it's ongoing. I will not continue reading.

Hotaru no Hikari
Another josei manga, by Hiura Satoru with 31 chapters so far.
Actually, similar to Hapi Mari, Hotaru isn't interested much in relationships - she's a so-called "dried fish" - and she also suddenly comes to live with her boss (secretly). The difference is, he's forty-something and they don't marry. Actually she finds herself a different boyfriend, an furniture designer three years younger than her, but more experienced relationship-wise. The plot is about her struggling to make the relationship work after having been several years "out of the game".
I think I can identify with Hotaru - working at the office, loving to laze around at home, no relationships the past years... So I really like this one.
But I have to say that the drawings sometimes aren't really that good. Apparently there's a TV drama series, too - I think I'll try that one out someday.

TV Tropes

Pink Lady
This one actually is a manhwa - that's the Korean version of mangas or comics. Since it started out as a web comic, it's in colour.
Gyeo-Wul studies art at the university. One day she meets a blunt male co-student whose drawing style is praised by the others. She starts doubting her own skills. Then it turns out she and the young man have already met as children.
There's only about 7 chapters translated, so the plot didn't progress very far. It has a different stlye than what I'm used to, and also it's all in colour - but that's a nice change. Apparently the creator Yeon Woo is an art student, too, so you can notice that they know what they're talking about (there's references to techniques, famous paintings, etc).

Wikipedia
The Webcomic (Korean)

How to take a science fiction plot and make it into a fantasy bestseller

2011-12-17T06:40:00.000-08:00

A young boy lives with his uncle on a quiet and remote farm (he has no knowledge about who his parents are). He finds something round and blue - that turns out to be alive. When he isn't at home one night, the farm gets burned down and his uncle killed. He meet with this one guy... what was his name again? Short and starting with B? Anyway, the old men was supposed to be a strange hermit, but it turns out he had been a member of a long-forgotten group of warriors. He has this blue word and teaches the young boy how to use it and how to do magic. Together the two of them leave the village, but are hunted by the evil empire (who are behind killing the young boy's uncle).
On their flight they get knowledge of a princess who is held captive by the empire (who by chance is the one who actually send the round blue thing to the old hermit in the first place). They also meet another young man. Young farm boy wants to rescue the princess, the other young man is somewhat reluctant. Anyway, the emprie catches up with them, the old man is wounded badly and sacrifices himself so the two young men can escape with the princess. Farm boy has the hots for her and wants to join the rebels, the other guy again is reluctant but accompanies him.
[...]
In the course of the later story it also turns out that the young farm boy is the son of the right hand of the evil emperor. And the other young man gets the hots for the woman who is leading the rebels.

Well then, tell me what the name of the story is... Star Wars, right? Or maybe Eragon?

I admit it's recently annoying me again how much praise Paolini gets.
He just fucking stole the whole thing from different sources.
Eragorn sounds similar? Yeah, not only that.

Dragonrides communicating telepathically with their dragons? Dragonriders of Pern
Young farm boy with a mark in his palm getting a blue sword and becoming a great magician? Belgariad
A language only known my magicians in which you can not lie, in which dragons speak and in which everything and everyone have a true name, knowledge of which will bring power over them? Earthsea
Roran is basically Perrin from Wheel of Time, the dwarves are really pretty much 100% like Tolkien's and the elves are not far off either, with Arya being pretty much a copy of Arwen (right down to the falling in love with a mortal human issue).

Why the hell does hardly anyone notice? Is Eragon the only fantasy book you ever read?
And this is not just similarity, in a way that many fantasy books are inspired by LOTR. This is in your face stolen stuff. There's whole paragraphs that are stolen from other books (e.g. Eddings).

After reading the second book, we (me and some girls from the New Murtagh Fanclub) guessed on how Murtagh would end. Since he was based on Han Solo and Anakin Skywalker we figured he'd "do a Dath Vader" and save Eragorn and destroy the evil emperor last minute. Then we weren't sure: either he'd die killing the emperor (like Anakin), or he'd end up with the rebel leader lady (like Han). I haven't read the last books yet, but according to wikipedia we were right.

Here's a blog post who gives some examples (incl. one for a stolen paragraph): Paolini and plagiarism
Another source and blog post: http://aydee.wordpress.com/2006/12/17/eragon/

short reviews: Starry Sky, Stardust Wink, Tactics

2011-11-20T09:40:00.000-08:00

And here's the next two short anime reviews, and one manga review:

Starry☆Sky
This is an anime adaption of a so-called otome game, a dating game for girls. That tells you all about the plot: it's non-existent. The female heroine has no character (still of course everyone likes her), but she's also not playing too big a role. The anime focuses on twelve guys, one for each Western Zodiac, portraying each one in two episodes. The episodes are rather short, about 10 minutes each, which makes 20 minutes for each character. I'm sure there could have been a nice plot which explores the relationships between the characters more, their future and the strange abilities some of them have - unfortunately there isn't much of that.
But it's well-drawn and there's lots of bishonen guys. Not a great one, but simple entertainment if you don't want to spend too much time and just need something easy for "in between".

TV Tropes
Wikipedia

Tactics
"Tactics" is an anime set in the early 20th century Japan. Kantarou is a folklorist who can see mythical creatures. He makes a living by writing articles and being an exorcist. Since his childhood he has been friends with "monsters" and searches for the "oni-eating tengu". He finally finds him, frees him, names him Haruka and the tengu comes to live with him and a fox girl. There's also an annoying little girl who fell in love with Haruka and some others who keep constantly visiting Kantarou.
For me the secret star of the anime is Moo-chan, a small monster with very peculiar looks who is married to a tengu. She doesn't speak any words and looks like a cute ...thing... so it's funny to see how she's a married "woman" and actually saves the day once or twice.
Sorry for all the Japanese words, but it's a bit hard for me to distinguish between the different mythical creatures such as youkai (like the fox girl), oni and tengu. The subtitles translate them as monsters, ogres and goblins but those words don't really fit and maybe they should just have kept the Japanese terms.
At first the anime has stand-alone episodes with searching for new creatures and solving new riddles in every episode. A bigger plot slowly reveals itself and is only the main theme in the last few episodes. Be warned: the ending is bitter-sweet.
So far there's 25 episodes, but there's hints to more.
Contrary to what the fan art might suggest, this is neither a yaoi nor a shonen ai anime.

TV Tropes
Wikipedia

Stardust Wink
Anna is 14 and always together with her neighbours and best friends since childhood, Sou and Hinata - both boys. Both of the guys are very popular with the girls at school and Anna is asked constantly which one of them she's dating. But they're just friends, right? Until Sou messes things up by confessing to her. She likes him, so they start to date, but things don't go well and they break up soon. They intend to stay friends, but then Anna falls in love with Hinata and... well, it's quite the chaos. Strangely the three of them manage to stay friends, with one of the boys saving the day when there's a tough situation between the other two.
Again the female lead is rather uninteresting, she's a stupid crybaby and the most anyone can say about her personality is that she apparently has no will of her own and just follows the flow without much consideration about other people's feelings. The two guys are more interesting, even though they're the usual hothead/stoic duo.
I don't really know why I read this all through... There's 19 volumes so far.

TV Tropes

"How to be alone"?

2011-11-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

I saw this video in a forum:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs
Somehow they always forget to mention the other side. The awkward waiting at the table in a restaurant until your food is served, when everyone thinks you have been ditched. Or the time until the movie starts when around you people are talking, laughing and having fun with each other and you just stare at the empty screen, hoping the commercials start soon. Or the super cheap menues, that are way too much for one person alone. And they way you walk through strange cities and discover nice little things, but there's no one you point them out to or tell about it. And all the "buy one, get one free" stuff, the vouchers that give you one free entry into a museum when you pay one full entry, the "two for the price of one" drinks, etc.
Being alone isn't all terrible, but it isn't all fun and sunshine either.

I have been alone to the cinema, to the fair, to christmas markets, to concerts, to restaurants, to musicals, to theme parks, to pubs, to festivals, to holidays. I have been alone on New Year's Eve.
And there was always at least one moment when I felt lonely, when I wished for someone else to be there with me.

For the past years I have done pretty much everything alone. With the exception for when I visit my parents I live my life alone. Every day.

Tonight again.
But what choice do I have?

review: Gokusen

2011-10-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

Another great josei manga that isn't available in Germany.

Rating: 5/5 (for the manga)
Volumes/episodes:
manga: 15;
anime: 12;
j-drama: 13 (season 1), 11 (season 2), 11 (season 3), one TV special and one movie
Mature content: not really
Genre: Josei

Kumiko Yamaguchi is a high school teacher in her first year - and the heir of a Yakuza family (yakuza are somewhat the "Japanese mafia"). Afraid of losing her job should her relation's occupation become public, she tries to keep it a secret; which isn't easy considering how easily she falls into Yakuza slang, her notion of holding weird passionate speeches about fighting honour and her unusual skill in martial arts.
Luckily her class is pretty dumb. Except for one guy: Shin. He notices right away that there's something strange about her. And he falls in love.
Yankumi - the nickname her class gave to Yamaguchi - is oblivious to that. Even so she comes to rely greatly on the smart student, not only when helping out her delinquent students, but sometimes also in Yakuza matters (since both get mixed up a lot). Mainly she relies on his brains because even though Shin also tries to help her out in fights, he always ends up being beaten up and instead of saving her, he's the one who needs to be saved.

The Manga
Don't expect many bishonen guys in here, there's lots of quite ugly people.
You also need to take certain things not so serious (or overlook them): this is about yakuza, so there's a lot of illegal and violent things mentioned, hinted at or done.
Once you're though this, though, you're in for a very funny, entertaining story, with lots of action. There's Yankumi, a good teacher, a good fighter, but absolutely clueless sometimes. The tough Yakuza guys shed lots of manly tears and fuzz over their "ojou". Overall, even if they're criminals, it's hard not to grow to like them at least a little. Shin's clever and good-looking, but no match for the people Yankumi deals with and too naive or stubborn to realize that at first. As soon as his friends find out that he fell in love with Yankumi, they try "help" him, much to his embarrassement (but he goes along anyway).
The story in the manga starts when Yankumi starts at the school as a teacher and ends when her first class graduates and spans around two years. The bonus chapter about the Demon Temple is quite a nice one, as is the host/fireworks festival chapter. (And the confession at the end is really priceless.)

The Anime
The anime is very much like the manga. The drawing style is similar, of course, so lots of characters look kinda gross. Shin still is bishonen, and we get to see his red hair.
Unfortunately Fuji, Yankumis dog, gets a lot more screentime and I really don't know why. He is mentioned in the manga, too (especially in the bonus chapters), but when reading the manga I already thought it was kinda useless, and his extended screentime in the anime even more so.
Also the anime is extremely shortened and the story is slightly altered, much of the yakuza business is left out.

The J-Drama
Season one more or less follows the story of the manga, but changed quite some aspects. First of all it is very toned down: Shin is a bit older, he's not being taken into casinos and brothels, doesn't wear a fundoshi and gets no host training (bit of a shame, because that's some of his sexiest/funniest moments) and the fights are more tame of course. Most of the Yakuza business is left out here, too. Another big change is that Shinohara-san - who Yankumi has a crush on - is not the Yakuza lawyer of her family, but a police officer she meets by chance. The best difference in my opinion is the additional character of the school nurse; and that most students thankfully don't look as gross as they do in the manga.
The acting is totally over the top most of the time, but that's alright because it's comedy after all. Though sometimes it can be a real tearjerker, too. Season One also has the eye candy of Jun Matsumoto as Shin (without red hair though). I really like Yankumi's grandfather, the Yakuza boss, too; he's the one giving out all the wisdom in the TV series.
The series literally has a "running gag" since in nearly every episode Yankumi and her whole class are running around town looking for some student who got into trouble.
The later seasons get a bit boring, since the characters in the class always seem to be the same again, and the plot also kind of repeats itself.

It's really a shame that Gokusen was never released in German. I don't even know whether it was released in English.
One benefit of Gokusen: Shin's a hottie. He is so in every medium, it even gets commented upon in the story (even his best friend's mother remarks on how good-looking he is!). But there's more to it of course! The plot is entertaining and in a way it's trying to teach honour and morals. Of course the involvement of the yakuza is questionable - on the other hand: who else to teach kids about the traditional values but the daughter of a yakuza family?
If you want to get into it, I recommend the manga and/or the first season of the j-drama.

Links
Wikipedia
TV Tropes
J-Drama Wiki

short reviews: No. 6, Tiger & Bunny and Loveless

2011-10-02T03:46:00.000-07:00

No. 6
I really liked the artwork I saw of No. 6 and many people liked it, so I decided to check it out.
The setting is really interesting. No. 6 is a city in the future. It seems like a perfect place, but there's a tight reign from the government who secretly disposes of "inconvenient" people. All this is only revealed throughout the story though. There is an increase in unexplained deaths that seem to be caused by a kind of wasp that nests inside the people's body.
The innocent and naive boy Sion starts his life as a good citizen, but by helping the wounded fugitive Nezumi loses his status and is gradually revealed to the truth. He is sent to a "correctional facility" but with the help of Nezumi is able to flee and lives with him outside of the city's walls, where a huge "outlaw ghetto" built up.
The overall theme of No. 6 is technology against nature, I guess. There's a hint of shonen ai, but not too much (in my opinion). There's 11 episodes. Although the drawings are sweet, the story isn't, and you have to be ready for quite some gore and blood and generally lots of horror. I got through it though (I'm a bit of a sissy when it comes to those things); now I'm even more afraid of wasps than before.

TV Tropes
Wikipedia

Tiger & Bunny
When I first heard the title "Tiger & Bunny" I totally didn't expect this. "Tiger & Bunny" doesn't feature cute tigers or bunnies. It's about super heroes, very similar to X-Men. but these heroes have sponsors and there's a TV show about them. Actually I get the feeling that the sponsors are just an excuse to put lots and lots of advertising in the anime. But - as long as the story is good, I don't care too much. I wasn't too thrilled after the first few episodes, but I went on watching and I'm glad that I did - it definitely gets better.
Pillar of the anime is main character Kotetsu alias 'Wild Tiger'. I don't think that the anime would have any appeal without him. He's an unusual anime hero, too: an "old man" (it's never really mentioned how old he is) and a widower with a 10-year-old daughter. He's rather clumsy sometimes, but he has his heart in the right place - TV Tropes calls this "adorkable". He's not quite as stupid as he seems though, he sometimes has great insight into people's motives and feelings and his experience as a hero helps his intuition.
There's other heroes, too, of course and the story is mainly driven by Kotetsu's partner Barnaby alias 'Bunny' and his determination to find the murderers of his parents. There's good points about the plot the villains - and the heroes - aren't painted in black-and-white, but still... without Kotetsu I don't think it'd be very interesting.
So far there are 25 episodes. I don't know whether there'll be another season.

TV Tropes
Wikipedia

Loveless
Someone on Twitter recommended this to me. He said the manga was better, but I decided to watch the anime, as it's only 12 episodes.
I have to say that sometimes I had to fight and force myself to go on watching, I thought it would get better, it would make sense soon. I was disappointed.
The women in this are again stupid weak characters. All of them, more or less. The main female character is a moron, starts crying easily, is oblivious to the feelings of people around her (except of her love interest, Ritsuka, the main character) and generally acts like a spoiled child. Their teacher isn't much behaving like an adult either. Ritsuka's mother is... not sure, probably having mental problems and frequently abusive. And whoever that other woman is, the main character's therapist or so, she seems to be in love with Ritsuka - despite the large age gap and him being only twelve. And the evil woman not only looks, but also acts like a child, too.
Soubi is arrogant, obsessed, a liar and creepy borderline child molester (and masochistic, but that would make for an interesting character if not for the rest).
Ritsuka is twelve for Pete's sake! Twelve!
Even after watching the complete anime, I still don't know exactly what is going on and why or how people are fighting. Actually it feels like the plot was just abandoned in the middle - I guess there was a second season planned, but never made. There's lots of fighting, suffering and a lack of sympathetic characters. But the ears are really cute.

TV Tropes
Wikipedia

Miscellaneous short anime reviews

2011-02-11T13:32:00.000-08:00

I've been ill so I had a lot of time to watch anime. I'm not going into a full review, but just a short overview of each and what I thought about them.

Kaichō wa Maid-sama!
A shojo anime adaption about the Student Council president of a former all-boys school, Misaki, who has to work in a Maid Café. Being ashamed she tries to keep it a secret, but one day the popular student Usui sees her at work.
Misaki shows some development towards not hating all men and accepting her job a bit more. Usui on the other hand is a bit too extreme for my liking: not only is he good-looking, popular, respected and good in virtually everything, but he also gets rather jealous and possessive of Misuki (and is forgiven no matter what he does). But he can actually be kinda sweet at times. Also the story is taking place in different locations, the illustrations are nicely done and the side characters are given a little attention, too (though probably not as much as in the manga). And yes I admit, the maid costumes are cute, and the last scene... d'aww.
So all in all I quite liked it.
TV Tropes
Wikipedia

Special A
Another shojo, actually rather similar to Maid-Sama, in my opinion: Hikari is also a girl from a poor family, there's the good-looking top student Kei as her rival and she's just as oblivious to his obvious crush on her. They are both part of class "Special A", the best seven students of this school for rich people, and she tries to beat him at something (anything) since they were kids - in vain.
While Kei maybe is a little more sympathetic than Usui, Hikari is maybe a little less sympathetic than Misaki. I also kinda liked Ryuu, shame his character didn't get more time. Also at the end a lot of threads seemed to still be untied, it felt like something was missing.
Overall I think I liked Maid-Sama a little better.
TV Tropes
Wikipedia

Ouran High School Host Club
Well, this one is a bit hard to describe. I guess it could be shojo, in a way, but mostly it's a parody. It's again about a poor student at a school for the super rich. Haruhi accidently breaks an expensive vase belonging to the school's "Host Club" and has to work it off disguised as a boy.
This is more funny than romantic, though it has its moments. I also liked the picture of Kyoya starting to paint outside of the frame. The anime mimics a lot of characters and events you might be familiar with from other series (so you shouldn't watch it as your first or you won't get the jokes and references). One character for example extremely resembles Momiji from Fruits Basket and the Zuka Club have a manic laugh just like Kodachi Kuno from Ranma 1/2, all with the blue-black rose pedals. Also there's a great "Alice in Wonderland" episode and then there's the twins... It's a lot of fun to watch, but the ending feels a bit "unfinished", as if there was meant to be a second season.
Anyway, I can only recommend this one; it's not your typical anime for girls.
TV Tropes
Wikipedia

Kimi Ni Todoke
Another shojo, as sweet as it can get. Sawako is feared and avoided by everyone because she resembles a girl from a horror movie. The isolation has made her somewhat socially inexperienced. In comes popular student Shota (who has a secret crush on her) and with his support she gains friends. The second season is still ongoing, by the way.
The drawing style takes some getting used to, but the story progresses naturally. It's got everything belonging to school life: the time spent with friends, bitchy girls from another classes, the feeling at parties when your crush is there, etc.
I liked this one because it reminded me of my youth, the time when I got together with my first boyfriend.
TV Tropes
Wikipedia

Gakuen Heaven
Keita changes to a school for gifted people - he doesn't quite know why because he's nothing special. The anime follows him settling into the new school.
It seems the anime is a lot tamer than the game and manga, so there's actually no juicy "boy love" scenes and just one kiss - hardly enough to even call it shonen ai. The plot isn't that exciting (probably because they took a dating simulation game and left out the dating) and neither are the characters interesting - I confused most of them for at least half the series. But at the end of every episode there's "Ham-Ham Heaven" with the main characters as cute little hamsters. Since they took out the sexiness, maybe they just should have done it all in hamsters...
I was a bit disappointed with this one.
TV Tropes
Wikipedia

review: Fruits Basket

2011-01-28T11:37:00.000-08:00

This is another one of the mangas I read online and then went to buy for myself in "analog" format (like Death Note).
There is an "Ultimate Edition" released by Tokyopop USA that has two volumes in one book and bonus material. I like those, they take up less room on the shelfes. Unfortunately the third one seems to be sold out - if you find one at a reasonable price, please tell me!

Rating: 5/5
Volumes: 23 (26 anime episodes)
Mature content: emotional and physical abuse (but only little blood is seen)
Genre: Shojo

There's a story about the twelve Chinese zodiacs: Once upon a time "God" (or the Jade Emperor in other versions) called the animals for a banquet. They came and had a good time, and those who attended became the zodiacs: the rat/mouse, the ox, the tiger, the rabbit, the dragon, the snake, the horse, the ram/goat, the monkey, the rooster, the dog and the pig. The cat was invited, too, but the rat deceived it, so the cat missed the meeting and is not a part of the zodiac.

Fruits Basket (short: Furuba) is a shojo manga. It's about the girl Tohru Honda. Since her mother died in a car crash she lives in a tent. But then she is discovered by her classmate Yuki Sohma and invited to live with them (he lives with a cousin and they both fail at housework). It turns out that some members of the Sohma family carry a curse: they turn into one of the zodiac animals (including the cat) when hugged by a member of the opposite sex or when being stressed or weak. One after the other Tohru gets to meet all of the "zodiacs" and grows quite attached to some of them. But shape changing isn't the biggest problem that comes with the curse...

The biggest downside of this manga is once again the female lead. I don't know why these kinds of girls are so popular in manga and anime. Tohru is as empty-headed and uninteresting as it gets (even worse in the anime than in the manga), but everyone adores her because she's "cute" and "nice" or something like that. The most intelligent things she's saying is stuff she learned from her late mum, other than that she's mostly just agreeing or saying sorry.
Another strange thing about Fruits Basket is Akito, who is supposed to be the "God" out of the Zodiac legend. Head of family or not, how the zodiacs are treated by him is out of it. In every normal community the police would be called on him. It's not only mindgames, he imprisons them, and abuses them psychologically and physically, quite often ending one of the zodiac up in hospital, and even taking out an eye. But still everyone loves him. There's a major spoiler in the end (in the manga) that I won't give away here, but that doesn't make it any better. I have zero sympathy for that person and I still think he's one of the worst villains and gets off with an undeserved happy end.
Oh, and literally everyone in this story has issues. And most of the parents shouldn't have had kids.

The rest is awesome though. It gets rather angsty at times and is more bittersweet that you'd expect from a shojo. It will probably make you feel glad you were born into your family though and not the Sohma's.

There are many characters, but they are introduced at a pace that's not overstraining.
My favourite characters are Hanajima (one of Tohru's best friend, dressing in Gothic Lolita style and able to sense "waves"), Hatsuharu (the ox) and Rin Sohma (the horse) - I love their Goth/Punk style of clothing - Hatori (the dragon) and Kazuma (who adopted Kyo when he was little). But most of all the cat zodiac Kyo - after all I love cats (and hate leek). He also very much reminds me of someone I know.

The chibis are extremely simple, but after getting some used to it, that's fine.
Everyone has a kind of symbol assigned to them, for the zodiacs it's their animal of course, Tohru a onigiri (riceball), etc. It helps recognizing them and their speech bubbles.
And the animal forms of the zodiacs are just too cute!

I would recommend to read the manga instead of watching the anime. Not only is the anime missing out some of the most interesting characters, the end is also quite different and has a very unfinished feel to it.

Links
Wikipedia Article
TV Tropes

review: Bleach

2011-01-15T07:05:00.000-08:00

Somehow I got into Bleach. Found the anime somewhere on the web and decided to start watching it - without knowing how insanely many episodes there are.

For those who don't know it: Bleach is a shonen (= for boys) manga series. It started 10 years ago and developed into a huge merchandising, with anime, movies, video games and apparently even several rock musicals. Creator Tite Kubo recently announced that he's about half way through the story, so there's 10 more years to come.

Rating: 5/5
Volumes: 48 (and many more to come)
Mature content: some fights get a little bloody, in the manga more so than in the anime
Genre: Shonen

The story revolves around Ichigo Kurosaki, a teenager who can see ghosts. One day a Hollow (a kind of evil monster ghost) is after him and his family, there's a fight and the Shinigami (or Soul Reaper, a kind of Grim Reaper) who was supposed to kill the Hollow is wounded and transfers her powers to him, so the Hollow can be killed. After that Ichigo, now a "Substitute Shinigami", starts to get to know a whole new world, and gets caught up in a huge Shinigami treachery/Putsch/war.

So what do I like, what do I dislike (warning: this might contain some spoilers).

Cons:
- It's long. Really long. Really, really long. And not all of it is interesting. Some fights take way too long, stretching over several chapters/episodes. It is shonen, I'm aware, but sometimes it's just too much.
- Speaking of too much: the way certain people gain more power, again and again and again just seems ridiculous. Oh, and please - just kill Aizen already.
- Some of the characters right out annoy me. Mainly Orihime Inoue. She's one of those female manga characters you find everywhere: huge tits, not very bright, naive and more or less useless - but even so greatly liked by all other characters in the story. If you'd cut together the scenes in the anime in which she goes "Kurosaki-kun...", standing on the side, hands clutched together in front of her huge breasts and tears in her wide eyes I bet you'd get several hours of material.
- Since it's so long it's really hard to catch up when you've discovered it later. It took me a few months just to watch the anime episodes.

Pros:
- Unfortunately in many (most of those I read or seen, maybe with the exception of the josei ones) mangas or animes the female characters seem to belong to one of two groups: they either have huge breasts, are generally stupid and in need of help or they have small breasts, are generally stupid and aggressive. The women in Bleach are different (well, most of them). One of the main female characters, Rukia, while being rather small and sometimes found in a "damsel in distress" situation, is a person to be taken seriously, in battle and outside. Actually some of the strongest fighters are female, Yoruichi being one of them. She's one of my favourites, she really kicks ass. And then there's Unohana: she's never seen fighting, being the Captain of a unit of healers, but everyone (including the strongest warriors, good and bad) shows a great deal of respect to her, sometimes even fear.
- It's not really black and white. The antagonists of the beginning become friends of Ichigo. Some of the "bad guys" are given a back story, and with it sympathy. I'm pretty sure that some of those, like Ulquiorra or Grimmjow, are the most loved among fans (and their deaths much mourned). Some of the "good guys" seem to be rather unpleasant characters. If I had to choose between being a prisoner of Mayuri ("good guy") or Ulquiorra I'm not sure the good side would get my vote... Sometimes it seems like people just happen to be on one side or the other, more by chance than by character.
- In addition to the characters being really well designed also the relationshsips between them are great. Of course the Ichigo/Rukia/Renji trio is awesome with their friendship (or love), trust and humour. There are lots of other deep relationships, like Urahara and Yoruichi (one of my favourite couples), Ikkaku and Yumichika or Kyōraku and Ukitake. Or the relationships the Vice Captains have with their Captain. Not all have been explored to the same amount and much is left in secret or unsaid. For example it is never mentioned that Urahara and Yoruichi are in fact a couple - but it's generally assumed by people. I do like that, in a way. It's very unspectacular and not "in your face". At the same time I know it's very clever, because everyone can interpret things to their liking.
- It's funny (specially the omake/extras).
- The anime has some really good filler arcs.
- I admit there's some nice eye candy and fanservice for the girls.

That's it for my review of Bleach. I will leave you with a few useful links.
And in the comment section I will collect a few fanfiction stories that I like. Yeah, somehow I got into that, too... Most will have mature content, just so you've been warned. Feel free to add your own recommendations.

Links
Wikipedia
TV Tropes site on Bleach
Bleach Wiki
Group on deviantART dedicated to the better fanart
Journal with theories and discussions on Bleach

"If you don't know where you're going, you're probably going wrong."

2011-01-07T07:26:00.000-08:00

I've been into the anime Bleach the last few months and I just finished reading "I Shall Wear Midnight" by Terry Pratchett. The blog title is a quote from that book and it made me think.
I have spend my time over christmas and New Year at my parents, doing pretty much nothing, except reading, watching some TV or DVDs and "wasting time" on the internet. I have to go back to work on Monday and frankly I'm not really motivated.

After all this watching Bleach I feel kind of guilty about that. I feel that I should be motivated, that I should try hard to do my best and all that. While my co-workers are struggling to get under 10 hours of overtime, I hardly have any. I really don't have a lot of ambition. I don't want to "have a career", become a manager or something (though I'd like to earn more money some time of course).

People say "follow your dreams" and such. But what if I don't have any? I don't have a lot of ambitions in my job, I don't want to travel around the world, I don't have any great hobbies and I don't want to change the world. I always hated those question in job inteview: Where will you be in 3 (or sometimes 5) years? I really don't know what to say, but I feel like I ought to say something special.
Of course I have some things I'd like to do, some places I'd like to see, some things I'd like to change. But it's nothing big, nothing that would deserve a sentence like "follow your dreams".

A friend told me "many might have some dreams or goals, but many also settle for what they have" - settle. That sounds like a compromise. It has the taste of failure. Surely those people did something wrong, went wrong. They didn't try hard enough, they gave up. Their lives must not be worth much. They can't be happy like this, can they?

But didn't some wise man say "the journey is the destination"?

Let's face it: most of us are going to be average people, leading ordinary lives.
And there's nothing wrong with that.

Can anybody find me somebody...?

2010-08-01T06:12:00.000-07:00

Once more I'm in thoughts about myself, my identity and the social world around me.

I'm going to tell a little secret: I do have a minor crush on some celebrity (if he's famous enough to be called that).
I should be too old for something like this, too mature. I am not sure what it is about him, he's not some unearthly beauty. I am not even sure if there is a sexual component to it. I like the way he moves (alright, maybe there is something slightly sexual in that). And I really like his style. It's nothing fancy. But when I look around, there don't seem to be a lot of people like that.
I have met him twice now, and he's a very friendly and likeable person. Of course this crush is going nowhere, not only, but also because he's taken.
The point of me telling this? I caught myself thinking: "I wish there was someone like this in my life".

There's those moments when I feel like I'm not the only one of a kind.
When I met Michael, my favourite colleague at my old job, maybe I felt some similarity there, too. He liked Black Books, and he knew who Bright Eyes was. But we never got close, not even as friends.
I've watched a DVD by My Chemical Romance and saw the singer wave around a replica of Sting.

If three guys of that kind exist, there surely must be more?

When I think of someone, a possible friend, I only ever think of guys. Why?
I'm not sure. I just generally prefer the company of men. Though of course the possibility of sexual and romantic tension poses a risk. But maybe also my longing for some sexual and/or romantic relationship mixes in with it. I'm not sure. It's as it is.

I am aware that at my age the chance that a guy I like is already in a relationship is very high. If he is, friendship will be difficult. Even if he's not, I don't think there's much chance of him being interested in me, even less in a non-platonic way.
But I feel so lost and lonely. Just a casual friendship would be an improvement.

If not somebody to love then someone to talk to who understands. Someone who gets my jokes. Someone to go to concerts with.
Just somebody.

This blog post's title is taken from "Somebody to Love" by Queen.

review: Suppli

2010-07-11T04:57:00.000-07:00

Suppli is my second favourite josei manga so far. And sorry: I have no idea what the title means.
Apparently in Japan there's seven volumes so far and there's also a drama series (according to wikipedia). Tokyopop USA published three volumes, but then stopped. Fortunately they have started again and just this summer issued Volume 4 and 5 in one book.

Rating: 4/5
Volumes: 7 (so far?)
Mature content: some, but not very graphic
Genre: Josei

Minami Fuji is 27 years old and works at an advertisement office. After she splits up with her boyfriend of seven years, she realizes she has always spend her free time with her boyfriend and no one else and thus has no friends.
She tries to concentrate on working hard, and starts spending her free time with her coworkers. She doesn't know how to socialize well, but they take her up into their midst anyway. One of them is romantically interested in her, but Fuji meets a new colleague who has just been transferred and falls for him. They start having a casual relationship, and she starts getting attached to him - and then finds out he is involved with another coworker, a married woman she had adored because of her seeming ease to combine being a working woman with being a feminine one, too.

Maybe I like Suppli because I can identify with Fuji. She is so clumsy about her social life and absolutely "un-cute", she's not a very girly or sexy type: "I really do want to be kinder and happier and cuter but something inside of me gets in my way."
Her appearance is practical, made to fit her work life, not made to be attractive, and she has a hard time trying to look more feminine.

Apparently the series depicts the work life in Japan very well, and I have to say I'm glad I don't work there, it seems very stressful. It is interesting to read though, and maybe gives a little insight into a foreign culture and work life at an advertising company.
At the end of every book there's one page with explanations and cultural notes - a great idea and very helpful at times.

The drawings take some getting used to, in my opinion. Especially the men look so similar that it's sometimes hard to tell them apart.
Some double pages have a background connecting the panels, raindrops, leaves, starry sky, etc., which creates a really beautiful and dense atmosphere.

review: Love Blog!!

2010-07-10T09:26:00.001-07:00

No, this is not going to be a blog post about love, this is my first review of a josei manga. Which is called - you guessed it - "Love Blog!!", written and drawn by Akira Fujiwara.
Love Blog!! has three volumes, followed by a sequel called "Love Blog!! Next" (which I haven't read).

Rating: 3/5
Volumes: 3 (4 including the sequel), finished
Mature content: yes, some
Genre: Josei

Leading character is Eriko, a 23-year-old secretary with hobbies like long phone calls, going out and dancing, getting dressed up, shopping and drinking. Her best friend, cousin and room mate is annoyed by her constant ranting about childish men so he tells her to write it all into a blog. Thus every chapter ends with Eriko typing her thoughts about what happened into her blog.
She has set her mind on finding the perfect man, good-looking, nice and of course he has to be rich, too. In walks her new boss, who seems to be all that - except that he's got a girlfriend. So she drowns her sorrow in alcohol, has sex with her "childish" colleague who she knows has a big crush on her. On her way home she meets her boss who just split up with his jealous and controlling girlfriend and they have some amazing sex in the park.
Yes, that's how it starts.

Honestly Eriko is a bitch. She set her mind on getting together with her boss and his reunion with his girlfriend won't stop her, so she makes them break up. In the meantime she uses her colleague for sex and comfort (though she makes it clear she's out for the boss). Maybe some women can identify with her. I can't.
After the first book I gave it another chance. The second volume gets a little better as some conflicts arise when her gay cousin rebuffs her "femme fatale" best friend and her boss/boyfriends ex turns into a stalker.

The best and deepest characters in this series are the male ones, though her "perfect" boss Kai to a lesser extend than her supposedly childish colleague Azumi and her gay cousin Masami. All women are extremely dislikable.
In spite of all that it's readable, there aren't ridiculously many sex scenes and there's actually a plot. And it's only three volumes anyway. Cliffhangers at the end of each volume help continuing, too.
If you like "Sex and the City", you might like this manga, too.

A month passed

2010-07-10T06:43:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to blog about my new job, having spend a month there. But honestly I'm not sure what to say? What is important about starting a new job?

Well, first of all I found that a big part of the team is rather new, as is the organization. Many processes are not efficient or not yet established. For someone new this is a little confusing, but maybe also a chance to shape things.
On the other hand there's a set of Web 2.0 tools that are implemented, a wiki, a company instant messenger, a company-wide social network, and there's going to be more. Unfortunately not a lot of people use them yet, but I'm positive it will get better. To me it shows that at least the IT and a few decision-makers are open minded, looking into the future and trying to adapt and change things.

I've had a hard time finding into my actual job. What do I do there? I'm still not completely sure. As I said, the team I'm in is new and so there's no very clear instruction. But I think I'm getting there, slowly.
My first project will be finishing another project from earlier this year. It proves to be rather tricky because no one really seems to know how it's working. It has been implemented by an external coworker.

My colleagues are nice. There's not a lot of distance to those in higher positions, it seems. This week I was at a conference in a really good hotel with a colleague. I think it shows respect of the people to really send the ones who will have to work with the product. A lot of companies only send managers to such events.
There doesn't seem to be much of a dress code either, which I admit surprised me a little. After all this is a retail company selling clothes and furniture. I mean it's not high class designer products, but not exactly cheap either.
Also I seem to be one of the oldest. It's kind of strange when I think about it: my team leader is 2 years younger than me, the departmement head a few years older and the division manager 10 years older. But since they have more experience and do a different job, in every day work it's not much of a problem.
I'm not sure whether there's potential friends among my colleagues. One actually freaks me out, he always seems to be smirking; I'm trying to ignore it, but it makes me uncomfortable. Amongst the others... it's hard to say. No one I'd spontaneously think as absolutely sympathetic. But it's only been a month. I do miss having someone like my favorite colleague at the old job, someone from another departement with who you can get together from time to time to talk and maybe vent a little.
The IT guys always walk past my desk, and there's one or two good looking ones. ;) But we weren't introduced (yet).

Well, that's it, that's the update after one month of work at the new job.

What I'll miss

2010-06-02T12:37:00.000-07:00

As much as I disliked the other town, there's some thing I will miss here.

Michael, my favourite colleague.
Of course there are nice people here, too, but I really got along very well with him. I trusted him. I could talk about all kind of things with him. He helped me a lot, probably more than he knows. He also had a way to calm me down when I needed it. He's a great guy.

My yoga teacher.
It's not easy finding the right teacher for you. She looked after everyone, so no one would do asanas that weren't good for them. And at the beginning of every course we'd talk a little about an aspect of yoga philosophy.

Living in the city centre.
It's very convenient to live close to all kinds of stores. To be able to go shopping for clothes on your way home instead on Saturdays in packed stores. Most of the street festivals and activities were close by, too.

Ready made fruits in single-friendly portions.
Like that one store always used to have. They also had a small salad buffet. Perfect for single life. Unfortunately I don't live close to one anymore.

Chocolate buns for breakfast.
Sometimes I can't eat much early in the morning, so it was perfect getting something to eat on the way to the bus, or eating it at work while all the programs were booting.

I guess this is a chance to get rid of some bad habits I developed and try to change some things. For example I'll try to wear contacts to work every day (I can't see very well with my glasses). And I want to take up Nordic Walking again.
Unfortunately I'm sure I'll also develop new bad habits.

Pull yourself together 'cos you know you should do better

2010-05-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been thinking. About identity, and changing yourself for the sake of others.
I know, I know. It's "philosphically incorrect" to do that. "Be yourself", they say, "faking won't make you happy", they say. But what if no one likes you the way you are? "There is someone somewhere that will like you." Yeah? Well, I am right here, right now, and I am lonely. That maybe somewhere in the world there is someone who might like me or maybe I will meet someone like that sometime does not help me now.

Of course there are people who like me.
I've been told people at work like me. That's not the like I mean. We get along ok. But they won't miss me when I'm gone. They won't think of me. They don't want to share their life with me.
There's internet acquaintances who say they like me. I believe them, and I like them, too. I do consider them friends, in a way. But still - something is missing.
Then there's my family. Yes, they love me. They often miss me. But... that's not enough. I want someone to love me who does not know me from an age where I couldn't go to the toilet alone.

I am following tinybuddha on Twitter. Recently there have been two posts that are connected with what's going on in my mind at the moment.
"How to deal with negative people" I retweeted this, but I didn't dare to add that people knowing me might need it. Yes, I am negative. And I know I shouldn't be. People don't like people like that. But it's really hard to be different; in a way that's just how I am. It's how I see things. I admit I don't think I could be able to constantly filter what I'm saying and check it for negativity and think how people would react to it. In a way it wouldn't feel right either. It wouldn't be genuine. Could anyone really be my friend who only knows what passed my internal "don't say something negative" censorship? And what would there be left to say? Would there be anything left to say? I mean, I guess that it's not be too bad, talking less and listening more, but I do want to tell a bit about myself, too. What to answer if they ask how I am doing or how my day was? But still I want to try to better myself, a little at least, as much as I feel comfortable with.
"There's nothing wrong with you." I don't really think I'm an awful person. I think I'm good, mostly. But I have found that that's not enough. I have been more or less independent from peer groups all my life. I'm sure most people will find that something positive, and I thought so myself for a long time, maybe in a way I'm still thinking like that. But where has it brought me to? I'm living alone in a place where I have no friends. There are many days, when I'm off work, that I don't see anyone (and with anyone I mean anyone). There are some days, when I'm not working, the stores are closed and I'm not talking on the phone with my mum, that I don't utter a single word.

I am suffering. I don't like my life like that. I want to change. Though a part of me thinks that I'm generally a good person, I also think that there's something wrong with me. Otherwise I would not be in this situation. There are uglier people than me being loved, and hell, even Hitler found someone to marry. There's got to be something... Even though I am alright for myself, I am not all right for others, and that again is making me feel bad.
But I don't know what to do. I don't know what the problem is. Not exactly. Is it only my negativity? Is there something else? And can I change it? (Unfortunately I have a terrible lack of self-discipline.)
I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless.

And I wonder: would I be different if someone loved me? If I got a hug now and then, if someone adored me, if I got some love & affection. Would my life be better? Would I be more positive? Would other people also like me more? Would I be a better person?
It sounds like a vicious circle.

This blog post's title is taken from "Spread Your Wings" by Queen.

So uncute?

2010-05-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

I thought about maybe starting to post some reviews of mangas or animes here.
I'm not a big expert on the scene, but there's a few gems I think I found.

My first contact with anime was back many years. I was in a depressive phase. I was living with my parents, hanging around all day, not doing much, not wanting to do much. By chance I watched the children's program one afternoon and they were just giving an insight into one specific anime they show. I thought it was a bit weird, a guy turning into a girl when splashed with cold water, others turning into animals. But then I saw this episode with that poor little black piglet getting lost in China. And I laughed as much as I haven't laughed in a long, long time. I was hooked and though I didn't manage to bring myself to do much, I was in front of the TV every day to watch Ranma 1/2. My parents thought it was weird that I was watching "that children stuff", but I guess they saw how much joy it gave me and they let me.
To this day I have not yet managed to watch all Ranma episodes or collect all books.

I was curious and I looked for others series I might like. None of my friends was reading manga or watching anime, so it wasn't easy getting recommendations. The choice is huge, which makes choosing a lot more difficult.
I was lucky that one of the first josei mangas I came across was a really good one, Tramps Like Us.
Josei is mangas aimed at adult women. I guess that can include very many themes, from business woman Slice of Life to yaoi (gay porn), but what it normally doesn't include is high school girls getting their first kiss or turning into magic super heros.

As I said, my search was very much trial and error and I want to try to share some trial with whoever is reading this.

It's the season for the mad masquerade?

2010-05-04T02:22:00.000-07:00

Violence bothers me.
Not all. I remember having watched Interview with the Vampire and being fine with a vampire being sliced into two pieces. Maybe because it's not humans. Maybe because it's just something that happens, not a vital part of the plot. But I also remember once watching Fisher's King and the scene where his wife is killed - I never, ever watched that movie again.

Violence didn't play a big part in my life. I was never raped, never beat up and no one close to me have been violently killed. So why do I have such a problem with it?
I tend to think it's empathy. I might have too much of it. Sometimes I feel like one of those telepaths in science fiction stories that have to shield their mind from the thoughts of others. I shield myself from violence. Because I know it will only hurt me.

I do not understand how violence can be entertaining. Celebrated even.
We are terrified at the idea of child soldiers in Africa - and then we watch a little girl kill and people are think it's great, just because it's in a movie? How can people turn off their brain and not realize that similar things happen in real life, to real people?
For most people it doesn't seem to be a problem. Horror movies are a very popular genre. A lot of people get into fights. A lot of people think that a guy who doesn't fight is a pussy. A lot of people think that violence is an acceptable way of solving things, and if someone does *insert.insult.or.offence* it's ok to "punch 'im".

I admit I'm having a hard time tolerating people like that. I try not to be disgusted. I tell myself they're normal people, nice people, some of them I consider friends.
Maybe it's like Yoda said: Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate. I am not angry, but I guess I am afraid. I'm afraid to be the victim of violence.
So perhaps I should learn some martial arts, become good in it, so I don't have to be afraid anymore? Maybe that would give me some peace of mind. But: why do I have to resort to violence (or at least the possibility of it) in order to prevent it?

This blog post's title is taken from "Put out the Fire" by Queen.

Melting away the little town blues

2010-04-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

Before I move and leave here, I'd like to see some more things in this area.
Some time ago on a weekend, the weather forecast was good and I decided that I'd pay Frankfurt a visit. It's about half an hour by train away.
A colleague of mine was so nice to send me a few recommendations, complete with links to Google maps. Also there was going to be a museum night that day.

Frankfurt really isn't that big, but it likes to act as if it was. It does have one of the biggest airports in Europe though and is the financial capital of Germany. It likes to call itself "Mainhattan" because of the skyscrapers, Main being the river running through it. Other than that I never considered it to be an attractive city (I also never heard anyone say that about it).
But it's certainly good enough for a half-day city trip.

I started out at Williy-Brandt-Platz where the European Central Bank is located.

From there I took the paths through a little park towards the old opera. The park provides a nice view, the trees mixing with the tall skyscrapers to each side, seatings here and there, and the occasional statue (like the one of the German poet Friedrich Schiller).

At the end of the park, on the right hand side is a a round tower with blue glass exterior called the Maintower. It has the only public viewing observatory in Frankfurt and it costs 5 € to get up there. I accidently got out of the lift too early (there's a restaurant there, too) and had to find my way up to the platform through several lift and stairs. I was rewarded with a great view over the city.

After that I went back down and toward the Old Opera. I always wanted to go there for a concert, but I'm afraid I won't make it anymore before I leave. It's a beautiful old building from 1880, but unfortunately it's currently being renovated.

Close to the Old Opera is the rather new Opernturm, another skyscraper with a bright stone façade. On ground level there's a store called ManuFactum. Their slogan is "They still exist, the good old things" and they sell... well, all kinds of things, from dinner mints and garden tools to perfume and waxed jackets. They also have a little snack bar attached where you can eat sandwiches (I would have liked one, but they were too expensive).

From Alte Oper I caught the subway to Merianplatz. My colleague recommended a stroll along Berger Strasse. When I got out I wasn't sure in which direction I should go, but I instinctively chose the right one. To each side of the road there are lots of fascinating little stores, selling design furniture, fancy ice cream or yoga equipment.
I got myself some ice cream and finally arrived at Bethmannpark. The park itself isn't anything special, but it contains the Garten des Himmlischen Friedens, a beautiful Chinese garden. As the weather was great of course there were a lot of people there, and I admit I wished I could enjoy the garden when it's a little more quiet. There were kids running around, and a woman explaining her listeners how the pavilion is charged with chi by a group practicing qigong in it, and on a fence sat a young man drawing the garden. For a moment I considered approaching him and inquiring about his art (I was curious to see the drawing, and yes he was kinda cute, too), but then decided not to interrupt.

From the garden I took the tram towards the Konstablerwache where the main shopping street called Zeil starts. It's a shopping street like every other, not particularly nice looking, but you can find all kinds of stores there of course. I was too tired to do a lot of shopping. But I got myself some cheap ballerinas because my feet were very tired and I needed a little change to the Chucks I was wearing.
What I wanted to see at the Zeil was the infamous new mall MyZeil. The stores are not interesting, although there's one of only four Hollister stores in Europe - you actually have to queue just to get in (I didn't)! The most fascinating and interesting thing about MyZeil is the architecture. In the front glass façade there's a big hole with a tunnel bending inwards. It is very hard to describe and nearly impossible to catch on photos, too.

After walking through the shopping street from one end to another, I needed a little break and thought about what to do next. As I said there was a museums night that night, but I was really tired and had a headache kicking in. I decided to take the subway to the Museumsufer where most of the museums are located along the bank of the river Main, stroll along the riverside to another place I wanted to see and then decide about what to do.

Arriving at the first museum made it clear that it would be packed with people and there'll be much standing in lines, so I decided it wasn't worth it to drag myself through this. Along the river banks were many people, families, lovers, groups of friends, having a picnic or just sitting around and enjoying the warm evening. I admit it made me feel a little lonely, but I tried to also enjoy the beautiful sunset nevertheless.
I finally arrived at the Gutleutviertel where there's an old harbour that was made into a modern residential area. It's nice there, reminded me a lot of Copenhagen actually.

There's another tower there, too, the Westhafen Tower, which is called "das Gerippte" by locals - after the traditional glas in which the local specialty Äppelwoi (apple wine, a kind of cider) is consumed.

From there I walked to the main station and took the train home.

Leaving home ain't easy 2

2010-04-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

On that Saturday I had to get up earlier than on work days.
I had three more flats to look at and then the plan was to buy a newspaper (since my free trial hadn't arrived yet) and make some calls.

The first flat had no kitchen and a boiler. Otherwise it was really good, enough room, nice surrounding area. I really thought about it.
I met my parents there and we went to the next viewing with the car.

The next one was amazing! It was in a great area, in the backyard in a little house. It had nice two rooms, a nice bath, a little terrace. The owners lived on the second floor, obviously wealthy people.
Unfortunately with 710€ per month it was a little above the limit I set myself. But it was tempting.
They wanted a self-disclosure containing questions about my occupation, musical isntruments I play, pets, warrants and refrences. Wow...

Third place was out of question. The current lodger was very open about that. Washing mashines were only in the cellar, and only two for the whole house. The kitchen and bathroom had no way for venting, it would all go into the living room.

After that my parents and me had a little break in a café and had some cake. We got a newspaper and I was calling all numbers that sounded promising. I managed to get three more viewings that day.

One of them was in a really promising surrounding. Very close to a concert venue and a park; I would have liked to live there. But the flat... It was underneath the roof again, had a boiler and gas heating in only one room and again no room for a washing mashine. It generally looked very old. I just didn't like it very much.

I already nearly gave up hope for the day. I was thinking that I either had to take the first one, or pay for the second one or go looking once more.

But the last flat we looked at was (nearly) perfect! Top floor, two rooms, nice bath, no boiler, a little balcony, storage room. It only has a kitchenette and there's no washing mashine in there now, but the owner said I could install one. The area is great, nice houses, shops close by and a bus stop in front of the door from which the bus takes 15 minutes to my future work place.
We were so happy to finally have found the right place. It turned out that the owner worked for the company I'll be working for for 30 years. He said I should sleep one more night and then say whether I want it, but I was already sure.

So on Sunday I called and went there once more the next week to sign the contract.
I tried to be happy but I still worried about the kitchen and the washing mashine. When I was there it turned out that I probably have to buy half of the kitchen (sink, fridge, etc.) but I can take the rest of what is there for 1000€, including a microwave and an exhaust hood. I have no idea what these things cost, so I said ok.
I was feeling somewhat down on the way home. I was worried about the kitchen and the washing mashine and the fact that I have to live there at least 2 years (it's in the contract). My parents calmed me down a bit. I probably would have had to buy a kitchen anyway.

The balcony:

The kitchenette as it looks now:

I am sure this will be a nice place to live and I'll be happy there. But I'm not really happy yet. There's still a lot of organizing to do, getting a kitchen, moving the stuff, installing the washing mashine. *sigh*
I'm looking forward to the time when all this is over and settled with. I didn't quite think that moving was such a big deal, it somehow wasn't when I last moved (we were really, really lucky with this flat I think). Good thing I didn't know that before I chose to change jobs, I might not have done it.

Leaving home ain't easy 1

2010-04-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

It really isn't easy.

First of all I ordered a free trial of the local newspaper and did some research on the internet. I also put an ad myself in the newspaper.
So after using my cell phones as much as never before, I had three flats to visit on a Wednesday afternoon. I left directly from work, the train takes about 1,5 hours.

The first flat I looked at was nice. The house was build in the same way as the house my parents live in. But it was way too small, I had overlooked that the ad said it only has 32 square metres.
The second one was nice, too. The busline to work was close by. It was, well, generally really nice. But somehow... Maybe it was the way the prospective landlord (living in the same house underneath) kept asking me whether I can clean up. Maybe the very boring, middle-class surrounding. It just didn't feel quite right.
The last one was really pretty. Very nice surroundings, tram stop right in front. A maisonette top floor flat with two really nice rooms. But the kitchen and bath were very small and I couldn't have taken my washing machine with me, but would have had to walk down into the cellar every time to do the laundry and pay extra for it.
I got home sometime after 10 PM that day without having seen a good place. I felt slightly panicky. I felt like I should have taken the second one - after all there was no rational reason why I shouldn't.

What I hated about the whole ordeal is that you have to tell people asap whether you want it or not. After all you're merely one of a dozen interested parties.
But not only do I hate making decisions, but it's worse when you have to say no to one thing with nothing but the hope to find something better. I just don't feel comfortable in such situations.

I was really tired, but did not have much time to rest: on Saturday I would have another tour of looking at flats, this time with my parents supporting me.

How can we sleep while our beds are burning?

2010-03-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

The situation at work is really bad at the moment. Two colleagues were ill last week. The errors just kept coming and getting worse. It was like as soon as you managed to somewhat deal with one thing, another thing came up.
We were doing fixes of live errors on the website nearly every day. Last Wednesday colleagues stayed until late at night to work, one past midnight.

We are a rather small team and lost a lot of members and with them knowledge in the past months. We are overworked and there is neither the will nor the time to document things. So maybe one colleague knows how to do something, but if he's not there no one does. None of us has a good general overview of the systems.
We have no successor for the colleague who quit recently, neither for me who'll be leaving in May.

We can hardly manage the everyday maintenance business for the two webshops and the small change requests. At the same time at least three projects are already running, more are in the waiting line.
And then they want to open two new shops, one this year within one website, the other one in January next year on a completely different system. It feels like a bad joke.

We are badly over worked. We have been nearly constantly doing overtime for months now.
And it all just seems to get worse. And when you thought it's already worst, it gets still worse. It feels like Kobayashi Maru. There seems no way out.
People are getting sick from the stress.

Still our department gets the blame for all the things that go wrong.
It is not our fault. We are working hard (and for not much pay). We are doing our best.
The company has no way to deal with the fluctuation of employees, no culture of knowledge management and it was a strategic decision to increase the manpower in e-commerce for project management and conceptional design, but not in the IT for actually coding these things.

The colleagues in e-commerce can see that. Some at least. One put it like this: we are wondering what new wallpaper to put up while the house is burning.

It can't go on like that.
We wonder whether no one else sees that. Where are our team leaders, our management? Can't they see?
We have told them. We got a little louder last Friday. Something has to change! Soon.
They say they can't find suitable successors. They say the team can't take more external consoultants. They say they can't (or don't want to) cancel projects.

We are standing in front of a boiler that is about to burst, we desperately need to reduce pressure. But what are we doing? Standing there and going "well, we can't do this, we can't do that, and we can't do this one either and there's nothing else we could do". But we need to do something or else there's going to be an explosion.

If I wouldn't have already quit, I would now.

I'm waiting to see what will happen next week. Will something be decided? Will something change?
If not we'll have to think about what to do. I know I am leaving this team soon, but at the moment I am still part of it. Maybe we will have to ask the workers' council for help.

A theory: life in slices

2010-03-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

I've come to think that life is divided up into different parts, sections.
Their influence on your life varies greatly in different stages of life.
They need different skills to handle.
And if there's a disbalance, if one part has a bigger or smaller relevance than it should have in the phase of life you're in, it will make you unhappy.

Those sections are family, school & university, friends, work life, romance & sexuality, health, finance. There's probably more.
There's a time in life when work life doesn't play a big role. You might have a summer job, but it's not "the real thing" yet and you'll have a hard time to imagine how it feels. When you're very young romance and sex are not important - and for those on who it's pushed anyway it will be a burden for their whole life.
As for the skills... I haven't thought about that one too much yet. You need self discipline in the health part, I guess. Logic would be a help in dealing with the financial aspects. I think there's many virtues that will help you in more than one. Empathy, patience, impartiality for example.

My current life lacks the parts friends and romance & sexuality almost completely. I am not sure how it came about, it seems like it just happened. I guess my depression had to do with it, it had an effect on many aspects of my life and I guess never regained those two.
I might lack the skills that are needed in dealing with all this - I certainly seem to lack the skills to built up those kind of relationships. I would like to learn and grow.
There is a disbalance in my life. This is not how it should be. And I suffer.

"I quit."

2010-02-28T09:00:00.000-08:00

Monday I did nothing yet. I was terribly nervous about what I had to do. It was worse than the actual job interview. I had my yoga course in the evening, that calmed me down a bit.

On the next day the first thing I did was drop the contract for the new job in the mail.
At work I broke the news to my team leader. That was hardest.
It's hard for our team to lose another one, I know that. In the past two years while I was working there, one after the other quit (for various reasons), each time it was connected with a loss of knowledge that made work harder for the remaining. Next month the only one left from the original team will go. We still have no one to fill in for him. And now me. I feel sorry for my colleagues, but I can't stay just because of that.
After talking to my team leader we went straight to the department manager. In the afternoon we broke the news to my team.
After that I met with my favourite colleague in the canteen and had a hot chocolate to relax a bit. It was good talking to him, though he knew about it since Monday. He always manages to calm me down and make me feel better, he helped me a lot through this. I'll miss him.

It felt surreal. I have been through this several times, but it was always other people quitting. This time it was me.
And even though I know I have another job waiting for me, it feels awkward.

On Wednesday morning I finally got to talk with the IT division manager and from that on it was official. My team leader wrote a mail to everyone in IT.

The written notice took a little longer though. I talked with the workers council to make sure I did everything right. They pointed out that things might be different because it might be a tranfer within the corporation. So there was another delay because I first had a talk with the HR department. Turned out that everything had to go its normal way, so I left the letter I had written before there.

The talks got easier and easier every time. Who would have thought that quitting your job included so much talking? I didn't have so many meetings within one week for months.

The only thing left to do in February was to cancel the tenancy. The problem is that I couldn't find my rental agreement. I went through all papers lying around (something that needed to be done badly), but no luck. In the end I just wrote a short letter, I guess it'll be alright.
I have to find the contract in the next months though, to make sure everything is alright when I hand over the keys.

Now I can relax a bit, all that had to be done within February to be able to start in the new job in June is done.
Now I have time to plan and organize. I got a notebook that I will divide into two parts: one for my old place, one for the new. There I'll note what needs to be done, who sends me post here, how much space my furniture needs, etc.

A new hope

2010-02-21T08:25:00.000-08:00

There will be a change, a new start.

On Friday I had a second job interview, they offered me the job. I took the contract home with me to read it, sign it and send it back.
It all went very fast and very good. "Too good to be true", a little suspicious voice inside me thinks.

Actually when I decided to start applying I planned to go abroad. I thought it was a good time, I have some work experience, no partner, no pets and I feel lonely and out of place where I live now anyway. I wanted to go to Ireland or UK.
A search didn't turn up a lot of suitable jobs though, it seemed that mostly companies seemed to look for more work experience.
Instead I found this company (belonging to the same corporation at the one I work for now) looking for a usability expert. I am none, but I 'd like to be, so I applied. Now they hired me for another job, process manager. A smaller step maybe, but non the less a step. A step away from programming and coding, towards more project management and conceptual work.
People seem to be really nice there. Apparently they liked my somewhat "freakish" personality.

This is my first time changing jobs. It's the first time quitting a job. It's the first time completely moving from one place to another.
The doubts and the worries are now kicking in.
What do I do next? When and how do I quit my job? How do I tell my team leader that he'll lose another employee when another one who'll quit isn't even replaced yet? Until when do I have to terminate the rental contract? How do I find a new place to live? How do I move? Do I have to renovate my old flat? How much will it all cost? Where to do I have to send notices of me moving? How will work feel after everyone knows I resigned from my job? How will the new job be? Will I be able to make friends? Will the work be good and interesting and will I be able to handle it all?
All these questions and more go through my head. I'm trying to calm down and think in little steps. What has to be done next?

Blocked

2009-10-01T13:32:00.000-07:00

I hate when that happens.
And it has happened to me several times. Not only on the internet I guess. But recently there. It's so much easier, I guess.

My first reaction normally is to worry. Has something happened to them (losing my first ex-bf didn't leave me unscarred)? Or are they just busy? After some time, in case they don't show up somewhere else, I'll do some research. Probably I'll find they're healthy.
So then it dawns on me: they ignored me.
Followed by all the questions. Why? Did I say someting wrong? Am I too "depressed", to pessimistic? Did they just get bored of me? Do they think I fell in love (it difficult sometimes, liking guys as friends)? Did they fall for me (discarded very soon, not logical)?
And I'm hurt. I get more obsessed with them than I'd usually be. It's both annoying and unlogical, but true: rejection makes me obsessed.
I'll miss talking to them; for very different reasons for each. Then I wonder what to do. To me online friends are friends. In a way I know they don't share this feeling, they never do; but I do think of myself as their friend. So just give up? I always plan to, I think to myself "let them go". But I can't. I have to try to get contact. Most likely I'll try more than once. And hate myself for it. I'm probably annoying them. Probably I'm making everything worse. But I just can't let go that easily.
I'll wonder for a very long time. I'll still think of them for a long time. I'll watch them from afar. I'll worry if they're not well, rejoice when they're happy. And wish I could take part a little more in their life. Sometimes things happen in my life, and I just wish I could tell them, share those experiences.

And you never get a reason. Not really, never. There's only silence.
I wonder if I could have changed, if I knew. Could I have explained? Would I have been forgiven?
I wish I would know why.
But then: wouldn't it have hurt more? I imagine it would at least have put an end to the questions.

The truth is, most probably I did the same to others. Maybe I should be more aware; to not act like this.

Those experiences made me insecure with those who are left. I am afraid to make a mistake. Sometimes when I feel like I have said something wrong, I feel really bad about it. For days. Anxious that they'll leave me, too. My name on one more block list.

One of those took me back, unblocked me. I'm thankful to have found forgiveness at least once. I appreciate this friendship.

The grass on the other side

2009-07-08T12:47:00.000-07:00

Work is tough recently. I'm accumulating overtime for weeks, for months now. There is always too much to do, and a project that's already weeks too late.
I have trouble getting up in the morning. I lack motivation. I am just tired. I can see no end. After work I'm tired, can hardly think straight (writing this blog entry isn't easy - I hope you excuse some faults that may have crept in), often I'm even too exhausted to talk with my mum on the phone. My holiday at the end of August seems so long away. And even thinking of of my holiday gives me stress, because I have nothing organized or planned yet. Weekends aren't relaxing because I have to do the housework that piled up during the week. I feel like heading towards a breakdown.
In short: it's no fun anymore.

I wonder why it's me having such trouble. Is it only me? Am I working more than others? Do I need more time because I'm less effective/good? Is my work-life balance off because I have no life? Do I simply have less energy, and if so then why?
I thought maybe I could do more, be more determined and committed if I was doing something I want to do. Coding never was something I wanted to do. I am not a programmer.

We had this workshop this week, with the e-commerce departement. Two other people who have studied the same as me, computer science in media, are working in that departement. Every one of us explained what we are doing. And sometimes I thought "well, that sounds really interesting, I'd like to do that".
The e-commerce departement is still looking for an information architect/usability specialist. I already was interested in the job during the internal advertisement. Now I'm again thinking about applying. There are several pros and cons of course.
Do I have the time, energy and motivation to really manage a good application? What if they decline, wouldn't that be embarrassing, wouldn't it affect my working environment badly? I am interested in the subject matter and it's what I'd like to do, but I have neither expert knowledge nor experience in that field. I do know our webshops very well though, after all I helped launching one of them. I like the team I'm working in right now, and I'm afraid the working environment in the other departement isn't quite as nice (for example I heard taking days off on overtime is hardly possible). I'd have a bad conscious leaving my team because I know how hard it is to find the right people and how much work lies on too few people. And actually I didn't want to stay too long in this dislikable city where I have no friends. I wanted to go abroad as long as I am (somewhat) young and have no ties here. But I have a quite safe job, in a mid-sized company that's part of a huge international corporate group.

So I'm afraid, regardless of how tired and exhausted as I am, I'll have to make a career decision soon.
Stay in a job with nice colleagues in a nice team, but do something I never really wanted to do long-term, and risking too become too specialized by staying too long. Or move on. And if I'm moving on, where to? Stay in the same city, the same company while trying to move into a field of work that I hopefully feel more comfortable in. Or look for a job within the corporate group? Or maybe try to get something abroad.

And while these thoughts are surely important now and will affect my future life greatly: they just add to the all the stress.
I just hope I somehow find the energy and the will to make it through.

"Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile still stays on."

Finished

2009-05-29T01:58:00.000-07:00

I love her.

2009-05-10T15:45:00.000-07:00

She comes in once a week. The time in which she rolls in on her wheelchair is never the same, but it’s always a Thursday. Her warm presence separates her from every other customer. She is always smiling. She is always full of life. And I admire her for that.

I know her shopping list like the back of my hand by now. I know she always buys two packs of milk, pastrami, bread of the week, dried fruit, a tv-guide and a couple oranges or apples. Sometimes she even likes to treat herself to a moist cake for 19,90 kronors. But only when she can get her hands on a newly baked one. “I settle only for the best” she says with a heart-warming smile. We exchange a couple frases and pleasantries every time. Sometimes we even chat for a minute or two if there’s no one else in line. I’ve come to look forward to those simple meetings. How she always lifts my spirit; how she does it with such ease.

And I love her.

An unhealthy relationship

2009-04-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

At home. I’m staring at the glowing computer screen in the darkness of my newly decorated room. Rocking back and forth on my chair, covered in cold sweat. Muttering “oh god” to myself.

A month ago I joined this Swedish auction site called Tradera. I joined purely out of boredom. I thought it would be a fun thing, checking out some interesting auctions, following bidding wars on exclusive items, see how much some fools would be willing to pay for an autographed baseball.

Now it has taken over my life. I’m abusing it. I’m bidding on things to the left and right. Mostly on useless things – things that would neither serve to entertain me nor be of any use to me. But that doesn’t matter; all that matters is the rush I get from placing the highest bid. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel rich! But then I get this icy chill down my spine and I think to myself: “What have I done?”. Overwhelming feelings of regret, emptiness and shame wash over me, much like post-masturbation.

I often find myself looking at my page and realising that I’ve the highest bid on several different items that I don’t really want. And I pray that some kind soul would overbid me before the auction ends. I try to distract myself by visiting other sites, but it’s all futile resistance. Soon I’m back again, bidding on yet another useless piece of crap, feeling disgusted by my lack of self-discipline.

This has turned into quite an unhealthy relationship, huh?

Good morning!

2009-04-10T07:07:00.000-07:00

I lie in bed looking at the cracks in the ceiling. I follow them from corner to corner. Choke an impulse to shout at a dog barking outside. I glance to my left and let my eyes rest on your placid figure. I watch as the morning sun gently brushes your back. I turn my eyes to the cracks again. Get up and sit on the edge. I look at the naked wood floor and take my first step without any sound being made. I pick up my mountain of clothes from the floor and start sneaking out. Not a sound echoes in the bedroom. I know this floor; I know where it creaks and I know where it squeaks. I can beat it. I carefully take a few steps and look back at the still figure lying on the bed. I'm terrified. I am Robin Hood and she is prince John in her comfortable slumber. Take a few more steps and then it happens. My phone drops from the pocket of my jeans. I know I've lost. Prince John wakes up. "Cut it out", she clears her throat and shifts position. I quickly take a few more steps and just before I close the door I say: "Good morning!".

March

2009-03-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

So! March has been a great month in many ways to me. I find myself smiling a smile that reaches my ears when I think back on this month. Lots of good things have happened. New and exciting things. Things that I was too afraid to hope for before have become a reality. And I feel good! Better than I have felt in a long while. Things are finally going my way, for the most part; I'm riding the wave of success, if you will. But I try not to think about it too much, in fear of jinxing it.

First of, I got my drivers license after passing both the written and practical test in one go. Very impressive, I think. Most of the people I know who've got a drivers license didn't pass either of the tests on their first time. And I've had to smear this piece of information in their faces, subtly hinting that I am superior. Luckily my friends are blessed with such kind hearts that they let me do it without feeling the need to point out how long it actually took me to get my license.

I've also met a few new and interesting people. One whom I've really taken a liking to. Together we've done some funny and exciting things. We've been to a reggae festival here among a few other events. The atmosphere was great! About 300 people crowding a small park, all having fun in their own way. No fights broke out. No one seemed miserable. We also paid a visit to Fair Erotica, a fair trade for erotic products. It was very interesting. And arousing. We also saw a woman dressed like a horse, complete with all accessories and a man brushing her 'tail' with a brush for horses. It was a very odd but funny sight.

And I've got a job again. I am now a salesperson in the building department of a mall not more than two minutes from where I live. I like it as I don't work full time, but around 30-35 hours/week. Gives me a bit more time to spend as I wish whilst making a decent amount of money. The people that I work with are nice and patient. They don't get angry or scream when I make a mistake. The customers, on the other hand, sometimes do. But you learn to shrug it off. And if all else fails, the guard who works there is a kick-ass girl who told me she'd protect me if a threatening situation should arise. I feel safe. A little emasculated but safe nonetheless.

And I'm happy. Now I can't help but wonder what April will bring with it.

The hunt

2009-02-27T14:41:00.000-08:00

I’m not much for shopping. It’s not something that tickles me in the way that it seems to tickle most women. I don’t experience any sort of sexual pleasure from it. I know nothing of fashion and I quite prefer it that way. Only when it’s absolutely necessary – as in, when I haven’t bought any new clothes for, say, four years – will I even consider going on a shopping trip to town. But today was different. A female associate of mine somehow managed to pressure me into going to town with her to buy new clothes for me. Her reasoning was that I ‘look like a homeless person’. I don’t know about that. I’d like to think my look is avant-garde. Anyway.

Me and Malin are walking in town. She spots an interesting store, utters a short ‘o’-sound and scurries off inside with me walking five feet behind. Malin is walking around, carefully examinating each fabric by letting her soft hands glide over them, like general Maximus gently lets his hands stroke the high grass. I immediately scan my surroundings for the armchair. Where is the armchair? I find the armchair and park myself on it. Fiddle with my phone. Read old messages. Send a new one. Look at the floor. Look at the ceiling. Recite the 30 first numbers of pi over and over and over. Then suddenly Malin is standing before me, proudly showing off a dress she found in the deepest corner of the store and asks ‘What do you think?’. I really don’t know what I think of it. She has a, let’s say ‘interesting’ taste in clothing. I can’t quite decide if it’s high fashion or crap. It is beyond my understanding of fashion; something that just isn’t for me to grasp. ‘Yeah, it’s nice’ I answer. She runs off to the counter to pay for it and then we’re back on the streets.

Malin discovers yet another interesting store, utters a short ‘o’-sound and right there and then it begins anew. The hunt for the armchair. This process goes on to repeat itself five or six times before I decide to call it a day and start heading back home, with considerably less items purchased than Malin.

Look For The Woman

2009-02-18T06:50:00.000-08:00

Meeting with Joakim

2009-02-14T06:56:00.000-08:00

It's always interesting going to a meeting together with my friend Joakim, who is involved in a politically active group for teenagers in our community. There we are, 11 people in a room, trying to come up with good ideas. Someone's showing a PowerPoint presentation and the rest of us are sitting and nodding and scratching our chins. And Jocke is sitting and nodding and scratching too, but suddenly he gets an SMS. His phone goes 'beep-beep' and instantly he is lost. He dives on his phone, quick like a teenager he is, and then he sits there and smiles and shakes his head at something that I can only guess must be amusing, and he starts to answer it. He types on his phone with an incredible speed. Fingers flying over the buttons. Eyes glowing with such intensity. It's an impressive sight.

All the while the meeting is flowing forward, but Jocke isn't quite aware of it. He is lost for a moment. Then he presses 'send', smiles and shakes his head one last time and catches up with the meeting again. Nods and scratches his chin. Humms and comes with a sensible point. Until the next SMS arrives and he is yet again lost.

Great Expectations

2009-02-04T04:21:00.000-08:00

Unexpected Recognition

2009-01-26T14:16:00.000-08:00

Each evening after work I check my mails. I have quite a few different email addresses, for different purposes, but basically they all go to two accounts.
So today I’m about to check my “spam account”, but when I see their front page I stop dead. “Someone stole our idea!” is my first thought. But it doesn’t linger long because I realize that the photograph shown there is not an imitation, but indeed the one I took with some fellow students years ago.

The headline beside the picture says “Old masters in new splendour” and a small text says something about a project at a university. One click and I get to another page where the picture is shown bigger. No doubt – it’s ours. With me sitting there in the background.

The picture was made a few years ago. During studying I took a course in photography. We worked in teams of four, and the professor gave us several tasks. It was really mostly about learning the handicraft, not so much about artistic expression. We had to imitate pictures or scribbles he gave us, mostly. Some of it was more freestyle work. One of those was re-enacting a painting.
I can’t recall who had the idea, it wasn’t me because I’m not an art expert and I didn’t know that particular painting. Apparently the green party had already used a re-enactment of it on a poster once. Gabrielle d'Estrées et une de ses soeurs. It shows two naked women in a bath, with a servant in the background. Of course me and the other girl in the team did not mean at all to get undressed for it. The idea was to make the two guys do it. They weren’t particularly thrilled. One of them was a (nearly) nude model for the drawing lessons of the same professor, so at least for him it wasn’t about showing a naked breast, I guess. Of course the problem was that it might “look gay”, especially since he had to pinch the other guys nipple. But somehow we managed to convince them. The actual photo was taken by the other girl. We took the picture of me separately and photoshopped it in later.

Upon reading the actual article, it turns out that our professor has published a book with more re-enactments of old paintings. Probably he assigned this task to every course after ours (we were the first). Our picture is on the cover.

So… I’m on the cover of a book. Not bad, I guess.
Also, something I made (together with others) is published. Not bad either.
I admit I am only small in the background of the picture and also I only had a medium share in making it. But still.
And not only the book. The article was teasered on the front page of two of the major German freemail providers. I’m really glad it wasn’t me who showed their bare breast!

Of course I’ll have to buy the book, it’s not expensive, 10€.
I’ll also have to deal with the negative comments on it. There are already a few in the website. But it doesn’t bother me much. You can hardly see me, the picture is years old and it was never meant to be published. I never considered it as an attempt at art either. IT was just a fun thing to do for a good grade. Actually, I can’t remember the grade we got…

Lostprophets, Fight Music and Getting Fit

2009-01-21T06:17:00.000-08:00

Just Pray. Can You Do That For Me?

2009-01-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

I've been a long time defender of the right to practice whatever religion one wants, supposing no one tries to impose his religion on me. I don't preach not to preach to the loyal followers of Jeziz and whatnot (mostly) but in return, I do expect the same courtesy. Of course, in this instance I can't really blame them. I walked straight into it.

A few months ago I was talking to a Mormon acquaintance about his religion and it ended with an invitation to go with him to speak with a few missionaries from Utah (big surprise there.) I walked into a small, bare classroom, sat down with Ben (said acquaintance), and waited for the missionaries to arrive. Twenty minutes passed and they hadn't answered their cell phones after numerous calls, so Ben bent his head and prayed that they would arrive safe and not get into a car accident or be murdered or fall into a ditch or trip or fall or die. About five minutes passed and the missionaries arrived.

"Elders! I prayed you would arrive safely!"

"Ben! I thank God everyday for you! You've saved our lives, I'm sure!"

Uh, what? This exchange was enough to imprint a clearly confused look upon my face. Regardless, I sat down and we began our talk.

"Katharine, would you like to open the discussion? You must start and end with a prayer, and if you feel particularly close to God during it you must pray then, too. Begin with 'oh heavenly father' and close with 'in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.'" Of course, being raised by atheist parents has left me with little knowledge as far as prayers go, so I asked if I could pass.

"No. Thank the Lord for all He has given you. He's given you life, he's given you a wonderful friend who cares enough about you to give you this opportunity to be with us and learn about everything you don't know, being raised by atheist parents, God bless them. Just pray; can you do that for me?"

I said my prayer. Thank you for this or that or whatever nonsense they told me to say.

We then continued with our discussion about various subjects. The only real memorable phrase that comes to mind is at one point one of the Elders mentioned that on some days he just sits at home and reads the Book of Mormon all day and it gives him this warm, indescribable feeling. I asked if it was like an orgasm. He never answered.

Eventually though, we came to the following conclusions:

1) God does not hate homosexuals. These are good people, they are just tempted by the devil to do evil deeds and therefore need to be saved in order to get a place beyond the pearly gates.

2) The point of life is to learn so one can become perfect in the afterlife and be prepared to serve God unconditionally.

3) One will only be admitted to Heaven if he follows the Mormon religion. It is not acceptable to simply try to be a good person; if a person ignores the prophets, even though they cannot give substantial proof of being sent from God aside from a mark on his record of being in an asylum, he will go to Hell.

Then they made the mistake of bringing up sex.

At that point, I'd had enough of this. I simply said, "Well see, I'm not against premarital sex. I've even had an abortion this year, but hey, at least I took the proper precautions, right? I mean, I hate kids and killing off one or two isn't so bad, is it?" At this point, I received such a look of immense disgust that I had to leave before my skin started to sizzle or something of that nature. "Well I've got to go, thanks a bundle!" I swear I felt a flame beneath my feet as I walked out of those doors.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

My morning.

2009-01-09T07:45:00.001-08:00

I wake up at 4:50am. I get up and sit on the edge of my bed. Contemplate about nothing at all. Getting ready to face the day. I rise, cold parquet floor, creeking with each step I take and soon I’ve found my way to the bathroom. I shower in a stream of water much too hot for me. When I am done with myself I am completely drained. I stumble out of the shower with less energy than when I entered. I have to sit down, have to drink water. I park myself on the toilet cover and help myself to a glass of cold water. Regain myself for a few minutes. I say “Dear God” to myself, my body is dripping. I think about getting up for a while before I actually do so. Gather some energy and put my clothes on. I shouldn’t have showered in water that hot.

Deodorant under my arms, a quick spray of perfume and I head to the kitchen. The fridge sounds like a distant fishing boat. I loot the fridge of all the yoghurt I can find and down it all in 4 minutes and 20 seconds, give or take. I impress myself. A quick glance at the clock. I panic. I rush to put on the remaining pieces of clothing on me, open the front door and off I run, not bothering to lock it. I am very close to missing my bus but as luck would have it, the driver manages to see me running and doesn’t take off without me. I inform him that I am very grateful. He offers me a smile.

I arrive at work 06:05am. Good morning!

New Camera

2008-12-30T14:59:00.000-08:00

I'm a massive, massive tool.

2008-12-28T02:43:00.000-08:00

It's a small world

2008-12-26T12:26:00.000-08:00

This week I had a little online chat with a friend.
She asked me whether I could remember a guy who I apparently have talked with at a concert in my home town once. I couldn't. I can't even remember the last concert I've been at there.
She said she had a One Night Stand with this great guy last night. It turned out that he is not only the ex of her cousins long-term girlfriend, but also knows this guy she had the hots for for years since they were two.
What a small world! They randomnly met in another city.

Anyway, he apparently told her he had talked with me shortly on some concert and I had something alien-like on my head. Then it dawned on me: I was in a theatre group called Ten Sing. Once a year we wrote a play, and had a choir and a band performance included. The one with the alien was the last concert I took part, and I played an alien that was studying humans. That's about 10 years ago!
Still can't remember the guy though.

As much as I feel flattered that I am remembered after such a long time, it worries me slightly that I'm remembered with little silver antennae on my head...

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T14:43:00.000-08:00

My family had decided that we would celebrate Christmas at my bonus dad's brother's place, this year. And what a time we had. We arrive there at 3:15pm and immediately the alcohol is brought out. I don't mind, as I like the alcohol. We chat with friends and family and come dinner, we are overwhelmed by an enormous amount of delicious food. To all of our surprise, they've made enough food to feed an entire nation. We stuff ourselves full and begin watching 'Donal Duck wishes a merry Christmas' on TV - a mighty fine Christmas tradition here in Sweden.

Suddenly we are interrupted. We notice there is someone knocking on the door. 'Who is it?!' the entire crowd goes. No one answers. With frightened steps someone - I can't remember who - approaches the door and opens it. And there he is. Santa Clause is standing in the hallway. Joy lights up in everyones face as they see him and his sack full of presents. But I can't help but think that there is something odd about this Santa. I am very suspicious about him. Something just isn't right. He is very happy. He is nothing like the Santa Clause I met when I was but a child.

At my dad's. The year is 1995. In pure excitement I am looking out the kitchen window, scanning the surrounding for any signs of a fat, red man with a beard and lots of presents. Time is moving slowly and even back then I was a very impatient boy. I start to get a little frustrated waiting for him. But then - there he is, walking down the street towards our house. I let out a yelp in excitement and rush to get my father to witness this Christmas miracle. As we look out the window we see him entering the gate. But there is a problem: it is not our gate that he has entered. It takes a while for him to get back out from where he has been. I notice that he is looking very lost. I brush it off and make my way to the living room where I continue my anticipation for Santa to arrive.

After 10 minutes someone is knocking on the door. Santa has found his way, at last. My father goes to open the door while I'm sitting on the couch, about to burst from pure joy. Then he walks in and our eyes meet. I suddenly freeze all movements. He is staring at me with such intensity that I become scared. He slowly walks up to me until he is a mere 20cm's from me and looks down at me with stern eyes. He coughs, and I notice that he smells of a very strong scent. I can't quite identify what it is, so I let it pass. With a broken voice he asks me if I've been a good boy. I nod my head in a scared and nervous manner. He doesn't say anything. He simply continues to stand there, letting a minute pass. Then he drops his sack on the ground with a thump, and I flinch out of fear. Another minute passes without either of us moving an inch or saying anything before he finally turns around and staggers his way out.

I conclude that Santa is weird. My father agrees. Then I return to year 2008 and I say to myself: "This one is definitely a fake".

Merry Christmas!

:D

2008-12-22T16:17:00.000-08:00

My friend's test came back clean. She is still in remission. They are going to do a procedure to clean out the rest of the polyps because they are potentially cancerous, but are not actually malignant. Yay!

Tips.

2008-12-21T12:18:00.001-08:00

On a nice Saturday evening like this, I like to drink my Cola out of a wineglass. I've found it to be an easy way to add a little flare to your life. Bring you that extra bit of sophistication that you so desperately crave.

A perch. On the bridge.

2008-12-15T14:26:00.000-08:00

At work. I am assigned the task to, using a forklift I've never operated before, bring a huge load of bottles to our working station. With nervous feet I approach the forklift and get on it. I stare at all the various buttons and levers with a look of sheer confusion. After three minutes I finally figure out how to turn it on and I do so. I slowly but gently get it rolling in the direction I'm supposed to head towards. As I roll down the enormous labyrinth that is Coca Cola AB I start to get the hang of it; I start to become more confident and thus giving me the courage to step on the gas a bit more. I start to feel really good. 'This is easy', I think to myself. Then I arrive at my destination. I pull one of the levers towards me and pick up my cargo. And then it happens. The thing I've been fearing for several days finally happens. Coca Cola's own Schumacher comes blazing past me and yells at me not to get in his way and that I'm slowing him down. He is very upset. In panic I try to move my forklift out of his way, granting him passage to move through. After a while I succeed and off he goes, with an annoyed look on his face, muttering 'damn trainees'.

Silence falls. I am completely still, not moving an inch from where I am sitting down. I look down on the ground in shame. And then I suddenly get angry. I never meant for this to happen. I just wanted to get my load. 'Ass-face', I scream. A completely meaningless fit of rage. Like the perch's last jerk on the bridge.

It's scary

2008-12-11T11:30:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine confessed to me yesterday that she might be out of remission--that is, her cancer may be coming back. She was put in remission about two years ago. She fears it's moved to her colon due to the symptoms she's having. She's scared. Her boyfriend doesn't want to face the possibility of her cancer returning, so she tells me. Like any good friend, I give a cheer and say we can beat it!

But she doesn't want to, rather she doesn't want to put herself through the trio she (un)affectionately calls "cut, burn, and poison", which is surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. The last time she went through it, she described it as torture. She said she just wants to go to a tropical location, with a caretaker, where she can just pass away. She then told me how she wanted her mortal coil to be dealt with, and what she would leave me. I was horrified.

This is the girl who held my hand after I slashed my arm to ribbons, who shared to best conversations with, who was so strong in the face of everything -- except this. She wasn't even sure if there was a war yet, but she was already throwing up the white flag. She wouldn't hear my protests, saying fighting cancer destoryed her life the first vtime and it was just recently she managed to get everything into working order. But I told her it was fight and possibly lose everything, or not fight and lose it anyway. She didn't care.

I've never felt so helpless. Her test results come back tomorrow.

Paths

2008-12-09T00:59:00.000-08:00

Yammer

2008-12-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

So Janne, wonderful soul that he is, invited me to be a contributor this blog. I love blogging rather much. I have three of my own and I now have this one. So hopefully I can come up with something interesting to write about.

Later.

I'll just introduce myself right now. I'm Erica. I'm 22, American, of German/Italian decent, college chick, and I'm a professional ecdysiast. I grew up pretty rough but I think I turned out okay. I love music, mostly music I grew up with, namely Korn, Nine Inch Nails, Ausioslave, Soundgarden, and Alice in Chains (I love AIC intensely, almost sexually, lol). I have some love for current music, like Paramore, Rise Against, and Porcelain and the Tramps. I like pink, all shades.

Otherthan that I'm boring.

Gems among rocks.

2008-12-02T02:42:00.000-08:00

You know how it is. You just happen to stumble upon a song that you like and you instantly fall for it. And then you look up the name of the song and what band it is, and you download it. You put the song on play, and you put it on repeat. You play it again and again, neglecting every other song you have in your music library. It comes to a point where you become obsessed over it. You find yourself trying to make out all the subtle tunes hidden somewhere along the grand saga; tunes that you won’t find unless you carefully concentrate on certain parts of the song. You find yourself unable to describe what exactly it is about this song that manages to strike that special chord in your heart.

How I love this feeling.

This happened to me today. The song is none other than ‘Karma police’ by Radiohead. I’ve had this song on my phone for two months now, and today was the first time I heard it. I have always just skipped this song, thinking that I won’t like it. But today was different. The song started playing when my hands were busy, not able to reach into my pockets, pick up my phone and change the song. And for that I am very glad. Now I can’t help but wonder how many hidden gems I have left on my phone to discover.

Broken Toy

2008-11-30T06:49:00.000-08:00

It was never planned. Never intended. Never even thought of.

I listened to him. Like I listen to many. I like to think I help them. They talk to me, they tell. I try to help, over the distance.
I don’t know what it was that made him a bit different. Maybe he has a way with words. Maybe…no, I don’t know. I still don’t understand.

I'm not sure how it happened. Just one day, suddenly, it went from the harmless, common virtual kisses and hugs to...more intimate things.
It is hard to describe. There's no way to make someone understand, I guess. It will always just sound incredibly stupid. So I'll just say that it was more intense than I thought it could be.

He’s young, very young. Maybe even not quite legal yet. The age when they're eager, always horny, a bit bad-tempered, wild, full of energy, easy to excite, in the middle of the process of growing up and of discovering sexuality.
I tried to teach him a bit.

We knew it was madness. Amour Fou if there ever was one. We never dreamed of a relationship. Our dream was a weekend in a hotel room.
Fou – mad indeed. He disappeared for months and I was worried senseless. Tried every means of contact. Later when I was so close to him on a holiday, hoping to meet, my madness got too obsessive and very nearly turned me into a stalker.

He keeps doing that: Leaving and then coming back. He never expects anything when coming back but always gets it.
It leaves me puzzled. I’m defenseless with him. He can hurt me in an instant without intent, and turn me into a crying heartbroken girl.
I lose all reason. I lose all strength.

I used to call him my toy boy. But it’s not true. In this relationship, despite the age difference, he’s the one being reasonable. I guess it’s more me, the one being a toy. But not quite.
I don’t have a word for this. I can’t explain.

I wish I could understand and I am often wondering about it: how could this happen? There is no physical presence messing with my mind. How is this possible? What is it about him?
Whenever I tell others about him they see it: he’s an ass. He would most probably be the very first one to say so. So why do I like him? Still do, after he hurt me so many times. I guess I couldn’t just make it stop even if I knew.
But it bugs me that I completely do not understand it.

Any way.
I lost him.

Match.com

2008-11-24T09:13:00.000-08:00

I did it. Finally decided to register at some online dating site.
My reasons are mainly boredom and curiosity. To some extend professional interest. I saw the internet develop and it still fascinates me. Most social aspects of the net interest me. I keep an eye out on Anonymous, discuss the pros and cons of cyber sex... you name it.
I admit I have thought about joining a dating site before, many months ago. I found a website rating them, very convenient. I took a closer look at three: FriendScout24, iLove and match.com. For a first test I decided on match.com. This is only a first test, mainly for me to do a profile. Even though according to this analysis there are 66% men and many from my area, I don't expect any contact yet. Why? Because you can only send (and answer!) messages when you pay. And of course I don't intend to do that.

First problem: user name. As always all the good ones are already taken. And I hate to add numbers. Of course I won't use anything having to do with my real name, neither my internet alias - both of which would probably still be available. So I try around a bit, very close to giving up the whole idea again. Until I settle for one with the use of underscores. Well, better than numbers, I guess.
I do a quick search for guys in my area, age 18 to 30. As expected not much interesting. Three worth a click. But this is just a test anyway.

So now for the most interesting, difficult and feared part: my profile. First of all my place of living. How much distance to search around? I have no idea, so I take the default. Then I have to get up again and get the measure tape. I take my size on the wall, with wool socks. Haven't done that in a while. It's about 157 cm - damn I'm small. Then my general body size... How would I judge that? Had they asked for cloth sizes - but no. What is "corpulent"? It sounds like an extreme, so I don't choose that. It's certainly neither athletic nor slim. So what's left is "a bit more" and "average". I remember hearing about the average size of German women and think that probably that kinda fits me. Probably "a bit more" would have been more sincere. First page done.

Eyes and hair colour - easy. No tattoos, no piercings. I ignore the ones in my ears cause they need re-opening. Then: my best part? Oh god. I've been told I have a nice smile, but I don't see anything particularly special about it. I guess I like my eyes best. It's terribly cliché, but it's gonna be "eyes" then.
Interests. They're optional, so I ignore most of the free text fields. They have yoga as sports so I click on that; for the sake of having at least one in that section activated. What activities I'd like to share with a partner? Hell, how should I know? I've been a single for years. I just click on some spontaneously, like rock music and movies and such.

Sports: Couch Potato? But no, I started doing Aikido, so I choose "does sports rarely". They don't have my drinking habits, so I choose "drinks in company". That's not true. I sometimes drink alone. I work in IT. I earn less than 25.000 Euro a year (had to calculate that roughly). No kids, don't want. Live alone. Like cats, don't own any. Am of boringly European heritage, nothing more to say about that. I choose "atheist" as religion. I guess I am. My education... Now that makes me think again. The options are badly chosen. Why is there a difference between diploma and academic? I do have a diploma and very nearly had a Master of Science. Does that make me an academic? Or doesn't it because my diploma is from a "Fachhochschule" and officially worth less than a normal university diploma? I decide on "academic". As languages I choose German and English. Me being able to speak French would be simply lying. Even more so with Japanese.

Preferences about my date. "My Date". Sounds a bit exaggerated... Heritage - I don't care. Age? I was afraid of that question. Let's try to be sincere. 18 up to...30? I'm being generous and choose 35. Height? I have no idea, defaults will be alright, I guess. Eye colour - don't care. Everything can be beautiful. Hair colour. I feel inclined to say don't care, too. But grey? White? Bald? No. So I choose everything but those three. And yes, it's kinda important. I love long hair and bald is just too far from it. I go on with being shallow and choose everything except corpulent for the next option. I'm not too sure about athletic though. I hate guys with huge muscles, they make me nauseous. Ok, so to be on the safe side no athletic either.

Religion: I choose atheist, agnostic, no religion and buddhist. There are some I never heard of, but I'm too lazy to look them up. I give it the medium importance, too - I guess I wouldn't get along very well with religious people. So the next one is education. Again the options confuse me, so I simply choose everything except the lowest kind of school. Languages German and English, don't care about profession and income. Smoking? Again I'm feeling generous and choose everything except regular/heavy smoker. Same goes for alcohol. Even more generosity about the relationships and I click on "don't care" whether they're divorced. The thought frightens me a bit that people my age might already be divorced, but... oh well. Too frightening is the thought of him having kids, though. No. Then there's a small list of preferences the partner should have. Weird options: dancing, power, sarcasm, long hair, candle light, money... Again I don't care about most, I just give a yes to intellect and sarcasm and a no to power and money.

So far, so easy. But now: A headline to my profile? Not optional this time. I have no idea what to write. None whatsoever. So I decide to do some other things, surf the web, write this. It's late, I wasn't out the whole day. I don't feel like shopping, but I guess I need some food and stuff. But it won't let me safe and do it some other time. And the next thing is a description of me and what I'm looking for, with a minimum of 200 letters. That will probably take me hours, so I decide to go out and buy stuff now.

But back from doing the shopping I procrastinate some more. A lot more. The whole rest of the day actually. Watched a movie on TV, then a comedy show afterwards. And read an e-book until very late at night. I then decided to make it another test: what happened if I simply log off, or in this case close the browser, before completing it?

The whole next week I didn't log in again. I did get some emails however. Daily ones with "partner suggestions" and at least two asking me to finish my profile.
The next weekend I logged in again, determined to finish it this time. I'm old enough and it can't be too hard to write a few words to describe myself, right? And since I'm not really serious about it, it shouldn't matter at all what I write. But this is a test. I want to do it right.

So... 200 words about me and what I'm looking for. I just start writing. Or want to... Though being determined, it's harder to start than I thought. Second try works then. I can write 250 words in one go. It's less than it sounds. Then I try to turn off my inner censor and just go on writing. I manage to add a few more sentences. Which may describe me well, but not very favourably. I've never been very good at all this "advertising for yourself" stuff. After about 625 words I decide it's enough. I wrote something about feeling younger than I am and still estranged where I live and blah blah.

Now I need a caption, a headline for my profile. To help me think of something witty I take out "The Wit & Wisdom of Discworld" and look for a quote that might fit. Of course it doesn't help at all, since Pratchett rarely writes about romance and never about the internet. But it reminds me that I wanted to order something at amazon. I learned about advertisement - a catchy headline is important. I can't think about anything catchy about me though. Doing MySpace profiles is a lot easier. I take a look at mine and it gets me an idea: I quoted part of the song "Reaching Out" on there. As a whole, too depressive. I decide to take the title of the song and finally be done with it. Yes! Send it. But then: shock. Session timed out. I'm quick-witted enough to use the back-button of the browser and copy the text I had written. And I was right: after logging in again all I had written had disappeared. So I paste the text in again, add the caption and save it.

I get asked whether I want to be "Spotlight-member". Apparently for two weeks they might use your profile for their advertising or something. Hell no - don't want. So their customer service will now take up to 48 hours to check my profile.
Next thing I need: a picture. Of course I expected this and already decided on one. It's a bit older, April 2007, and shows me without glasses. But it's one of the best I have. Especially without revealing too much of me. Since it's not allowed to post a link, I have to save it to my PC and upload it again. Again they say they'll check my picture in the next 48 hours. Then they try to sell me a premium membership. At least now they point out that with a free membership you can neither send nor answer to messages.

Now I've completed my profile. But since I'm already logged in, I decide to try out their personality test. I like taking such tests.
First thing is to compare my right hand with pictures that are shown. Ok - the lenghth of the fingers on my right hand says something about my personiality? I'm left-handed, by the way. Following are questions about whether I'm the oldest/middle/youngest child, about relationships, about my friends (what friends?), about what I do Saturdays (haha), about what I think of myself. Mostly the usual stuff. And two games about visual illusions - the first one I finished perfectly within 11 seconds, the second one wasn't quite perfect.
The result: I'm a diplomat (30%). The other parts are: Pioneer - 27%, Entrepreneur (maybe they didn't translate that right into German) - 26% and Adventurer - 18% (no surprise there).
I wonder what the fingers of my right hand had to do with this.

Finally: Done.
Now there's only to wait what happens...

The Worst Halloween Ever

2008-11-22T08:36:00.000-08:00

At the bank.

2008-11-22T06:26:00.000-08:00

At the bank. In the morning. I enter the warm and comfortable surroundings of the bank office after having walked all the way there in the freezing cold. I get a ticket from a que-machine that reads “227”. There are nine people before me in line. I come to the conclusion that it’ll take thirty to fifty minutes, approximately, before my turn is here. I try heading for the seats where I can sit and relax until it is my turn. To get there I have to pass a line of people. I register in my field of vision a beautiful woman standing in line, most likely in her early to mid-twenties. I instantly re-direct my route so that I have to pass her to get to the seats. I know I somehow have to catch her attention and alarm her that I have to go through, so that she’ll move aside for a second. I am looking forward to it, because I love her hair. It is long and blond, slight curls at the end and I can see from here that it smells like the ocean, the heaven or something in that general direction. It’s hair that is so smooth that you can never quite get it. Take a grip on it and it’ll just slide from your hand, free as it ever was, leaving you dumbfounded where you stand.

She doesn’t show much skin, it being winter and all, but her skin is still present. I close in on her and I look forward to gently placing my hand on her shoulder, a message that “Hey, I have to go through”, but also an alibi for a sensual touch. I am very close to her now. And then it happens. She notices me and the direction my feet are heading. She smiles at me a smile that gives me a sense of inner peace, before she takes a step to the side allowing me to pass by. It is so incredibly tragic, as I had really looked forward to that touch. I walk past her without the chance of touching her even in the slightest and find my way to a seat that looks comfortable enough.

There is something very disgusting about this that I can’t put my finger on.

The Fountain.

2008-11-18T15:23:00.000-08:00

I am re-publishing this review of mine for the third time. I do it because I'm not quite satisfied with the interest it has generated thus far: I genuinely feel that this movie deserves more noise than it has gotten. So here we go again. Third time's a charm.

Trying to illustrate mankind's universal quest to find the ultimate cure for death is almost something that borders on hubris. Do I think Darren Aronofsky was successful in avoiding all the mundane clichés when attempting such a theme with this movie? I can, without a doubt, say I do. Aronofsky has created a movie that successfully portrays perhaps the most painful thing we can ever experience as humans: love and death. It's a movie whose universe is solely dependent on every single part being placed correct; that every atmosphere has it's own corresponding mindset. If even the slightest bit falls out of synchronization, it all falls apart. Aronofsky's visionary force and monumental metaphorical language keeps that from happening.

This movie weaves a tail that goes on for a thousand years before finally coming to a halt. From the medieval Spain to a highly advanced technological future. In the center of this epic tale we follow scientist Thomas Creo (Hugh Jackman) and his beloved wife Isabel (Rachel Weisz), who suffers from cancer, in all their incarnations. The movie is about the modern mans relationship with death. Aronofsky wants to depict our role in the circle of life, and show how creation and destruction are forever bound together.

Does that sound like some quasi-Buddhist new-age crap? It sure does, if you ask me. However, the movie is saved by Aronofsky never becoming sleazy in his work, and his ability to consistently tell this story.

As brilliant as Aronofsky is, I cannot let all the credit go to him on this one. At first, I was a bit skeptical at Aronofsky's choice regarding actors, but that changed very quickly: both Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz make a brilliant effort in this movie and manage to give their respective characters both heart and weight behind them. They both had extremely tough roles to play, especially Weisz who could have easily ended up as a cliché image of "the enlightened woman", and I was surprised beyond belief at how well they got into their roles. Both of these main characters share a nice chemistry between them which makes the story both touching and believable.

With "The Fountain", Aronofsky has created a serious movie about life, death and most of all, love. As with most of his previous movies, this one is much the same in the way that it's either brilliant or horrible. I'm suspecting many will accuse it of being the latter, but personally I found it a very strong movie experience - one that I will carry with me for a long time.

Mental Emetics

2008-11-18T04:17:00.000-08:00